And Now, Here To Perform The American National Anthem In The Key Of C-rap…

What exactly is this man doing? Yes, I know he’s attempting to sing the Star Spangled Banner at a baseball game, but what is he doing? And more importantly, why is he doing it? Did he just discover right now, here in this moment, that he suffers from crippling anxiety? Did he overshoot his vocal cord and social lubrication targets by a couple of miles? Is he dying of something and this is his make a wish?

I figured it had to be at least one of those things or that perhaps he’s spent his entire life away from civilization and was rescued and cleaned up right before show time (How else do you forget the words to the American anthem?), but no. Turns out it was just cramps. Brain ones would be my guess.

It happened Sunday, before a game between the High Point Rockers and Sugar Land Skeeters and involved a “last minute fill in,” Fox Carolina reported. High Point is about 80 miles northeast of Charlotte.

Video posted on Facebook by TV station WXII reports Rockers employee Chuck Hayworth was the singer, and it shows him struggling with both the melody and the lyrics. The results include uncomfortable pauses, skipped lines and occasional shouting.
Hayworth apologized later on social media, explaining he developed cramps from getting overheated just before starting “and you saw what happened,” the station reported.
“By no means was this any disrespect to our country or our organization, nor all those who serve it,” WFMY quoted Hayworth as saying.

The team apologized, too, saying “the rendition was not up to organizational standards,” and noting the singer was standing in for someone who got sick at the last minute, reports.

How much worse could the sick guy have sounded, I wonder.

How Else Are They Supposed To Teach Him The Value Of Hard Work?

Phoenix mom accused of punching 7-year-old for failing job as lookout while grandma shoplifted at Walmart

Phoenix police officers arrested a mother on suspicion of punching her 7-year-old son in the mouth because he didn’t do a good enough job as a lookout while his grandmother shoplifted at a Walmart store, according to Maricopa County court documents.

Officers observed the child walk out of the store to the parking lot with his mother, identified as Rebecca Gonzales, 27, where she began “spanking (him), then slapping him and finally punching him in the face,” documents said.

Police spoke to the boy, who they said was bleeding from the mouth. He told them that “he was hit because he didn’t watch out for his grandma good enough,” according to court filings.

The name and whereabouts of grandma haven’t been reported anywhere, so we don’t know if she’s been charged with anything or if she needs to sock her daughter in the yap for making an unnecessary scene.

If she does, she’ll need to wait until somebody puts up the $2500 bond to get Rebecca out of jail, where she was sent after being charged with a count of aggravated assault.

Why Didn’t Someone Tell Me Two-Bagger Wasn’t An Insult?

I’m not sure if this fella has been arrested yet, but it likely won’t be long before his poor planning comes back to bite him if not.

Just before 8.30pm the man walked into the store on Lower King Street, Caboolture, with the bag on his head and threatened the female attendant with a knife.
The staff member complied, handing him cash and cigarettes, which he placed in the bag after removing it from his head.

Yes, he was caught on camera. You can see those images at the link above. Be sure to call police if you recognize him, or to laugh in his exposed face if you’re reading this from prison and he happens to be sitting nearby.

More Like All Wet

This one’s appropriate on a couple of levels.

Recently arrested and charged with felony video voyeurism of someone at least 19 years old after a hidden camera was discovered recording people showering in his bathroom is Jonathan Moist.

According to the Brevard County Sheriff’s Office, Moist’s niece and her friend who were housesitting for Moist discovered the hidden camera in November.
“He had a hidden camera in his bathroom that videoed an adult female in the shower,” said Brevard County sheriff’s spokesman Tod Goodyear, who added that the victim is the friend of Moist’s niece.
The niece and victim removed the device and took it to the girl’s mother, who lives in Cocoa, according to the Sheriff’s Office. A sheriff’s report says they removed an SD card from the device, plugged it into a computer and observed several videos of people in Moist’s bathroom, including some in the shower.

Please Don’t Fake Vacations To Impress Your Fake Friends

It almost makes me want to cry that I have to tell adults this, but I suppose this is where we are now.

It’s nice that you want people to have a high opinion of you. To a degree, you should. Life is somewhat easier when people actually like you. But if you’ve gotten to a point where you’re worried that those around you are going to think less of you because you can’t go on glamorous trips or don’t have all of the newest, fanciest crap, you maybe need some therapy, and you definitely need better friends and a whole lot less social media. Image-obsessed people are faking vacations with professional photo editing

Looking to live the glamorous, well-traveled life, and stir envy among your Instagram followers, but can’t afford it? Well now you can have a photo of yourself digitally altered to make it seem like you can.
A Nebraska-based photo-editing service named Fake A Vacation lets users send in snapshots to have them superimposed onto fake backgrounds. Options include a sandy beach in Maui, the rushing waters of Niagara Falls, even the Grand Canyon at sunset.
It may seem like a joke service, but lying about travel is a far more common practice than you may think.

According to a study released Wednesday that surveyed over 4,000 American adults over 18, flight cost-comparison Jetcost concluded that 14 percent of respondents fibbed to others about their flashy vacations. Ten percent of that pool even went the extra mile to post a fake on social media.

The reason? Participants claimed they felt embarrassed and wanted to impress others — such as the parents of their friends or partners, and colleagues.
But there are other reasons.
“They fake it … sometimes because the actual vacation is too expensive, so they plan this way or sometimes they do it to get others envious,” says Tom Eda, who leads marketing and support for Fake A Vacation, adding that others have purchased faux vacation pics because they had to cancel their trip last-minute.

How The Ontario Government Can Better Tackle The Flooding Issue: An In Depth Report

Ontario creating task force to improve flooding resilience

As a good and helpful citizen of the province of Ontario, I have taken it upon myself to compile a list of recommendations in hopes of helping to solve this growing problem. It is as follows:

  1. Don’t gut the funding for all of the flood management programs and the experts who run them, ya fuckin’ tool belts.
  2. Quit wasting thousands of man hours and hundreds of thousands of dollars fighting against a federal government that’s actually trying to take legitimate steps to fix the problem. People need more than the disingenuous bloviating you goofs have been offering.

You’re welcome. Now go put the money where it’s needed instead of wasting it on high priced consultants that we’re probably going to eventually find out you’re friends with.

Ontario is creating a task force on improving the province’s resilience to flooding, following high water levels this spring in several communities.
Premier Doug Ford and Natural Resources Minister John Yakabuski said in a statement that the government will work to better plan for and reduce the impacts of flooding.
“Over the past couple of weeks, we have seen first-hand the devastating effect of flooding on our communities,” they said in the statement Friday. “The people of Ontario can’t go through this every year. Something needs to change.”

Ford Government Says Sensible Thing

A promise from the Doug Ford government is about as useful as a marzipan dildo so we’ll see where this goes, but for now, because I am nothing if not a fair man, I’ll give them credit for the way they’re handling this one publicly. Ford pledges not to re-open abortion debate after 3 MPPs speak at anti-abortion rally

Yes the statement is riddled with the usual slogans and claptrap, but if you can get passed that it’s actually quite reasonable given how we know Ford feels personally about abortion and how he tends to deal with things he doesn’t like.

After 1 p.m., his office issued a statement saying his government “will not re-open the abortion debate.”
“The Ontario PC Party is a big-tent. We welcome members from a wide variety of backgrounds and beliefs. Our government is focused on protecting what matters most, cleaning up a fiscal mess left behind by the Liberals, making Ontario open for business and open for jobs, and lowering taxes for families.”

Hardly revolutionary and definitely politically smart especially given all of the pushback they’re getting on many of their service and funding cuts lately, but still a nice and unexpected deviation from the if something is good make it bad and if it’s bad make it worse strategy they generally employ.

It doesn’t even bother me that Ford didn’t “denounce his MPPs’ dangerous, anti-choice and anti-women position” as the NDP wants him to. Women and like-minded men are smart enough to see that for themselves and vote accordingly if that’s how they feel. But even more importantly than that, not denouncing those beliefs is the right thing for him to do. Were he to come out and slap his MPPs on the wrists for what they said, it would be absolutely hollow and dishonest.

At various times since entering Ontario politics, Ford has made comments about abortion and how it is governed.
During the 2018 leadership campaign, he questioned why a teenage girl seeking an abortion could obtain one without the consent of her parents, comparing it to other activities teens need parental consent for, such as a school field trip.
He told the anti-abortion news website Right Now that he was “personally pro-life” but that “all Canadians have to make this decision based on their own conscience and beliefs.”
He told the Campaign for Life Coalition he opposed the previous Liberal government’s so-called “bubble zone” restrictions on protesting outside locations that provide abortion services.

Is that really the guy you want coming out and saying “abortion bad”?

A strong opposition is a good thing. Opposing for the sake of opposing often isn’t.

Diamonds And Buns

Obviously the main story here is that this fella had 44 diamonds stuffed into his jewelry can, but it maybe shouldn’t be overlooked that he was riding a motorcycle at the time. That cannot have been comfortable.

Twenty-three-year-old Eusebio Padilla was arrested on charges including receiving stolen property and tampering with evidence after what began as a routine traffic stop on April 7. Police pulled him over for allegedly riding a motorcycle without a license plate.

Police said they spotted a knife on Padilla and patted him down. He was caught attempting to remove “a baggy” from his rear at some point during the traffic stop, according to a criminal complaint filed in Albuquerque’s Metropolitan Court.
Police said they found 44 diamonds inside the bag recovered from Padilla’s rectum. The man allegedly told officers that he obtained the jewels from his uncle who “usually has stolen items,” KOB 4 reported.

Yup, he received that stolen property, all right.

Police say that Padilla’s plan was to eventually trade the diamonds for drugs. Assuming they’re not fakes, how did he plan to get a stash that size home on a motorcycle?

Oh. Right.

So Long Wroute, We Hardly Knew Ye

I worried about this when it launched and eventually they started worrying about it too, but in the end, there was no saving it.

Transportation company Wroute Inc. has suspended all operations in the face of lower than anticipated ridership.
“Essentially it became apparent that the marketplace was just not present,” president Jason Hammond said Friday. Thursday was the eight-month-old company’s last day of service.

“In the end, while we had some dedicated regulars, we did not have the volume of passengers necessary to allow the company to be financially viable in the long term,” Hammond said.

Hammond said he believed that the number of people travelling between Waterloo Region, Guelph and beyond on a daily basis — coupled with the fact that schedules for intercity public transportation can be infrequent or not ideal — meant Wroute’s scheduled service would meet a need.
And that’s why the struggle to grow ridership came as a bit of a surprise, he said. “That was a known problem we were looking to solve.”

I don’t know what the sweet spot for frequency actually is, and the changing nature of work schedules is going to make that even harder to sort out over time. Obviously right now you can still hit the regular morning and afternoon rush periods and that’s not going to change any time soon, but with more and more people working flexible schedules that don’t start and end at regular intervals, how do you draw the line between accounting for that and wasting money?

Another thing to consider is the existence of Uber. Depending on the nature of your trip and the number of people with you, the Wroute model doesn’t always make sense. If you’re always traveling alone it generally does, but things fall apart fairly quickly if not.

Getting from the Fairview Mall area of Kitchener into Guelph or vice versa in an Uber has cost about $45 every time I’ve done it. A Wroute trip of the same distance was $20 per person, unless that changed after Carin and I used it. But using my numbers, the moment your group has more than two people in it you’re financially better off in an Uber, and that’s before we take into account the convenience factor.

An Uber will pick you up where you are and deposit you where you want to be. You don’t have to walk around a city possibly late at night on one end looking for your ride and then be forced to get yourself the rest of the way home even later when the Wroute drops you off at the designated spot. So even when there are only two of you and the cost is essentially a wash, any extra might still be worth eating for the sake of door to door service. I know it was for us. We had a very nice Wroute experience heading to Guelph in the daytime, but when a decent October day became a chilly October night and it was time to head back to Kitchener after hours and hours of fun, wandering through downtown again was just not something we wanted to do. And we didn’t, because we didn’t have to. And it only cost each of us $2.50 more than Wroute would have to go right home.

It’s too bad it didn’t work out and I hope somebody can eventually give it another go, but it’s going to be tough sledding for whomever decides to take it on.

Who Are These People

Just a few quick questions about human behaviour, if I may.

  1. We had a friend staying with us a while ago. While him and I were making breakfast together one morning, he asked me for a fork. I gave him one, of course. I then watched as he started using it to crack eggs rather than doing what I assume everyone else does, tapping them on the counter or on the edge of the bowl. Yes, dude was bonking each egg with the fork until he could break it open. I’ve been around for just about 40 years, and I can safely say I’ve never seen anyone do that before. I even asked brother Brad about it last time I saw him since he’s a very good cook and he bakes all the time, and he took my side. So what’s the matter with my friend and how can I get him the help he needs?
  2. We did our laundry on the weekend. Searching for enough free machines in a big apartment building can be a frustrating exercise, especially when some of them are broken. And indeed, that’s what happened this go round…or so we thought.

    Carin found an open one, and without giving it the absolute best look her wee little self could give it but one that’s generally good enough, tossed something in.


    Oops, that one’s pooched. Right?


    As it turns out, somebody had come and gotten their stuff out of it a full 12 minutes early.

    I hope something went very wrong in this person’s life very suddenly, because why else would you do that? You’re losing out on the benefit of the full rinse and spin, plus since they’re still going to be wringing wet, whatever time you think you’re saving by not letting the washer finish is going to be eaten up by extra drying time. And if you are going to do something that weird, should you not at least have the decency to close it and let it run out the rest of the clock so that the next guy can use it without having to wait? The machines don’t bill you by the minute, it’s ok.

    This is just one strange person and not something that people who think they don’t have enough time for anything anymore do now, right? Please tell me that’s what it is.

  3. And speaking of laundry, what happened to the universal public laundry room code? For years, every place I ever lived or visited had the same rule. If a washing machine was open, it was yours for the taking. If it was closed it was either spoken for or broken. Dryers were a little more murky, but I’ve seen enough situations where people signal that they’re free by not closing them all the way to take that as a thing.

    But this building we live in now, it’s like the freaking wild west down there. Nothing signals anything. People leave baskets and clothes on top of equipment they have no plans to use, which has always been the other acceptable method of reservation. Out of order machines are left open, plugged in and signless as if they’re ready to go. Open dryers with clothes left in them for so long that they’ve actually had a chance to cool down? Why not.

    None of this should be happening. The tenants here represent a very wide age range so should know how this is supposed to work. Do Carin and I live among barbarians or is there simply no longer any need for manners and order in the clothes cleaning space?