Sep 23 2014

If Marketers Were Honest

I have no idea who the hell does videos in fucking Quicktime anymore and I know even less about the origins of this one, but it’s funny.

If advertising types were capable of being honest, this is what it would sound like.

Yup, seems about right.

Sep 23 2014

Five Days And Counting

Dammit, Gill. Carin’s been whistling and humming this song for days now, and I’ll confess I’ve caught myself doing the same a time or 2.

And even though she called this Five Days And Counting, it was sent in a few days back so assuming it’s still in her head we’re at more like 7 or 8 now.

Have you ever had a song in your head that just wouldn’t go away no matter what you try? Friends I am in the throws of that currently.

How It Happened

As an avid reader I was in my room enjoying yet another book when the city of Buffalo was mentioned, and for some weird reason this song popped in to my head.

So for the first twenty-four hours of the song holding me as its prisoner I would sing shuffle off to Buffalo at random times.

Help Or Hindrance

The next evening I brought this up with some friends, and we heard the song. Mind you most people will tell you that to get a song out of your head you have to hear it. Unfortunately like a toddler kicking your seat repeatedly on a long flight, this only aggravated the issue.

Reminders

By Friday night I was desperate to get this out of my head. My folks, who had been in Europe for three weeks had just returned, and I mentioned to my mom my issue. God bless her she tried to help. Unfortunately one of the salads she had over there contained Buffalo cheddar. When that was mentioned I giggled and the song popped in to my head like a rash that just won’t go away.

Desperation

I have tried pretty much everything to get this out of my head from prayer, to singing it. I must also add that I am greatly surprised that my death hasn’t come at the end of my roommate’s crutches. What would you do in my situation?

Sep 22 2014

I Suck At Predictions, Plus A Couple Of Quick Night Of Champions Thoughts

I don’t have much to say about Night Of Champions. Over all, it was pretty good. Even the Divas Title match, which I worried would get bogged down with Bella stupidity, was totally fine. There isn’t a whole lot to complain about, especially with the shows being so much cheaper now. That’s not to say that a couple of things couldn’t have been better, though. For instance…

I have no problem with Florida Georgia Line being on the show. I don’t really know who the hell they are, but they’re famous and it’s good publicity for everyone to have them there. But interviewing them at the expense of a match going on in the ring is garbage at the best of times, but even moreso when that match is Ziggler and Miz for the IC Title, which is supposed to be important. I swear it must have been a good 5 minutes before any of the 3 announcers bothered to call a single move or even pay attention to the action whatsoever. I could be wrong, but that’s what it felt like and it sucked. Introduce them to the crowd and interview them between matches if you must interview them.

The main event finish. Christ I hated that. Sure Cena winning by DQ after the Rollins run-in means that Lesnar is still the champion and that’s what’s best for everyone, but would it have killed them to let him destroy Cena clean again? The win would have done more to help Brock than it would to hurt Cena, but instead we got a dumb protect a guy who doesn’t need protecting result that even went as far as to make Rollins look incompetent. Seriously, 2 guys just beat the hell out of each other for over 15 minutes and you, fresh as a fuckin’ daisy, can’t even fly out there and cash in the Money In The Bank case without one of them getting up, attacking you and running you off? Failbox. If you’re going to do that finish (you shouldn’t), the only one to thwart Rollins should have been Dean Ambrose escaping from the security guards that tied him up and dragged him away earlier. At least that would have played into the story of his promise to be there whenever Seth tries to cash in. But instead I’ll bet we’re getting a Cena Rollins feud I’d be lying if I said I was looking forward to. But at least Lesnar is still champ, so all is not lost. I need to keep reminding myself of this.

And finally, how’d I do on those predictions I made? Pretty shitty, it seems. I got 2 matches right out of 7. That’s terrible, but as I said then, some of these were pretty hard to call and most of them I honestly have little to no problem with. It’s not going to help me out much in this year’s PWInsider prediction contest where I need all the friggin help I can get, but at least WWE didn’t up and ruin everything.

Sep 21 2014

Wonder Of Wonders. Children Can Be Named After Things Without It sounding Dumber Than Dumb

On the Blue Jays radio broadcast today, Jerry told the story of what I think may be the first instance of people naming their kid after a place or thing without it sounding completely absurd.

As he tells it, a couple of Baltimore Orioles fans were having a baby. As it happens, their last name was Yards. So when they had a boy, they decided to pay tribute to their team by naming him Camden. That made the little guy’s name Camden Yards, which is not only the name of the Orioles ballpark but also something that sounds like a real person’s name, an act that runs counter to the asshats who named their sons ESPN and, well, just about everything else that’s ever graced this here names tag.

Well done, Yards family. And to the rest of you, let this be a lesson. You don’t have to be a premium level idiot to cleverly name a child.

Sep 21 2014

Too Much Information

Thanks, Gill. This is…lovely.

We’ve all heard a conversation about a discomforting topic, that person talking about a rash in a very intimate spot, or someone mentioning too loud of the relati,ons they had with their partner in gory detail for everyone and their cousin to hear.

Disgust After Lunch

I had had some of the best onion rings at this restaurant that put me in mind of this place back home. I was now situated standing enjoying yesterday’s warmth and prettiness when this kid around sixteen or so prompted by a friend told me he had just been finger banged.

No Real Reaction

Unsure of how to react logic sprang to life, and I decided to blog on the issue. So friends out there, has this kind of situation happened to you, and what was your reaction?

Sep 20 2014

Night Of Champions Predictions

There’s a WWE pay-per-view/Network Special/whatever they call those now tomorrow. Since we haven’t done so in a while, lets predict it.

Night Of Champions is one of the more interesting shows to come along in several months. And when I say interesting, I mean hard to call, not my god I must see this show now and would you please take my money immediately, WWE? Don’t get me wrong, I am looking forward to watching it. But that feeling is helped tremendously by it only costing me a fraction of my $11.99 monthly Network subscription fee.

WWE World Championship Match:  Brock Lesnar versus John Cena

Thoughts: This match has me scared. Scared that WWE will pull a 2012 and job Brock out to Cena again. But at the same time, things seem somewhat better now than they were then, with what’s right prevailing more often than it used to. Lesnar losing now would make even less sense at this point than it did a few years ago, what with the absolute demolition of Cena by Lesnar last month at Summerslam and WWE having given him one of the only things in wrestling that still means jack shit, the Undertaker’s 21 year Wrestlemania unbeaten streak. Brock losing after all of that would amount to a gigantic fuck you to not only the fans but also to the Undertaker, who has given everything he has and then some to the wrestling business. Cena doesn’t need the title, and there are many more interesting match-ups for Lesnar as champion than there are for him. Barring a major catastrophe, there’s absolutely no good reason for Cena to win…wait, what’s this? Ahh fuck, a major catastrophe! That’s just great!

At 2:31 PM Eastern, WWE ran a “Breaking News” update with Scott Stanford at WWE Headquarters on the WWE Network, cutting into “Slam City.”
Stanford announced that Roman Reigns’ surgery was a success and that Reigns is in recovery. Reigns will remain overnight in the hospital in Nashville, TN but has been pulled from the WWE Night of Champions PPV.

Stanford asked what brought on the hernia. Dr. Amann said that it wasn’t something that happened in the ring but something that Reigns had been dealing with. This morning in his hotel, Reigns woke with bad abdominal pain that was getting worse, so reached out to the WWE medical staff.
Reigns was told to go to the hospital and learned it was an incarcerated hernia, which means a loop of intestine had wrapped around it. Obviously, that required immediate emergency surgery.
Reigns will be out of the ring at least 4-6 weeks but possibly as long as three months.

It’s a good thing WWE has built up as many babyfaces to slide into that up and coming star spot as they have…goddammit! Please WWE, don’t panic and put the belt back on Cena. I know that Reigns was an important part of future plans, but that does not under any circumstances mean that Cena is a suitable replacement. Faith Steve, you must have faith.

Winner: Lesnar.

Intercontinental Title Match:  Dolph Ziggler versus Miz

Thoughts: I respect what Miz has accomplished and the hard work he’s clearly put in to do so. He’s gotten further than I ever imagined he would when I first saw him. He should be proud. But seriously. Ziggler has so much more upside. No matter how hard WWE tries to bury him, the fans still care. He has something. Run with it, for Christ’s sake.

Winner: Ziggler.

United States Title Match: Sheamus versus Cesaro

Thoughts: This is one of those ones I’m having trouble with. WWE has done less than nothing with Sheamus since he won the U.S. Title. But on the other hand, WWE has done less than nothing with Cesaro since he won the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal at Wrestlemania, aside from pair him up with Paul Heyman before dropping that story for literally no reason. But Cesaro is a guy that the fans want to cheer, especially if they start letting him do the swing again. I say give him the belt and see what happens.

Winner: Cesaro.

Tag Title Match: The Usos versus Stardust and Goldust

Thoughts: I don’t get the whole Stardust thing, but it seems to be working and unlike a lot of internet fans, I understand that this isn’t all about me. If there’s a plan for this weird ass cosmic key stuff, I’m game for seeing what it is. the Usos have been established as good champions, but if they’re going to pay this new weirdness off, it’s time for them to lose.

Winner: The Dusts.

Divas Title Match:  Paige versus AJ Lee versus Nikki Bella

Thoughts: This Bellas family drama storyline. I mean, Jesus fuck. It’s awful. I get what they’re going for and I appreciate the effort, but just…holy ghost on a piece of toast it’s not working. Similar high drama family strife angles have worked in the past, but it helps if the principles can…what’s the word I’m looking for? Act. Yeah, that’s it. The Bellas just aren’t capable of conjuring up the emotion it takes to pull this off. Their promos are like somebody reading off a piece of paper complete with instructions on where to put the emphasis and then not being able to follow them. So, so terrible.

As for the match itself, the Paige and AJ stuff, while not my favourite, is orders of magnitude more interesting to me than this Bella junk. Hopefully the family drama will keep Nikki away from the title and let the other 2 continue a storyline with honest to god potential.

Winner: Paige.

Mark Henry versus Rusev

Thoughts: I like what they’re doing with the American heroes trying to stop the evil Russian. It’s easy heat and there’s nothing wrong with that. But now is not the time to beat the evil Russian.

Winner: Rusev.

Chris Jericho versus Randy Orton

Thoughts: Word is that Jericho will be leaving either after this PPV or the next night’s Raw, which makes this one fun. Conventional wisdom would suggest that Jericho loses, possibly getting injured by Orton to write him out while making the guy who’s staying look stronger. But WWE has been known to swerve us when we think we know what’s up, so my guess is Jericho wins, only to be taken out after the fact, either right after the match or the next night.

Winner: Jericho.

There you have it, all of the matches.

I’ll be interested to see what they decide to do with Seth Rollins now that Roman Reigns is sidelined. I hate to see anyone legit in distress, but it adds a dimension of mystery to the night that it didn’t have before, which is fun.

Enjoy the show tomorrow. I may or may not be back to run down how I did and offer some thoughts on the action sometime next week.

Sep 20 2014

Some Common Blindness-Related Issues Made It To Cracked!

This was circulating wildly around Twitter between blind folks. Although I’ve never been accused of faking my blindness, I know that can be a thing. I don’t think Braille is totally awful, but I’m glad they brought up the point that it’s uber bulky and just because you’ve gone blind doesn’t mean you magically know Braille. I still think it’s cool to see a lot of the stuff we’ve written about to do with blindness-related annoyances all bundled up in a Cracked.com list.

Just thought it deserved a reference in the good ol’ user’s manual.

Sep 20 2014

Coming Up Next, A Big Story About 50.50.Bean!

This made me laugh really hard.

I guess, on some of India’s news channels, they have casual staff serving as news anchors. The other day, Xi Jimping, China’s president, finished up a big visit to India. But, as one unfortunate casual news anchor found out, the president’s name is not the Roman numeral 11. What is she, a screen-reader?

She was subsequently fired. Holy crap! I wonder how many people will be very nervous reading the news now in India.

Sep 19 2014

Bible Salesmen

This one’s a classic. I remember telling it to people all the time when I was a little kid.

The minister realized his Church was getting into serious financial trouble. However, while checking the Church storeroom, he discovered dozens of cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the Church.
Peter, Paul and Louis all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louis, who was a local farmer who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment — poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway. He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked, “Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?”

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, “Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here’s the $200 I collected for the Church.”

“Fine job, Peter!” the minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. “You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.”

Turning to Paul he said, “And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the Church last week?”

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, “I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles for the Church, and here is the $280 I collected.”

The minister responded, “That’s absolutely splendid, Paul! You are truly a professional salesman and the Church is also indebted to you.”

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louis and said, “And Louis, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?”

Louis silently offered the minister a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents.

“What is this!?” the minister exclaimed. “Louis, there’s $3,200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the Church, door to door, in just one week?”

Louis just nodded.

“That’s impossible!” Peter and Paul said in unison. “We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could!”

“Yes, this does seem unlikely,” the minister agreed. “I think you better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louis.”

Louis shrugged.

“I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don t kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure,” he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. “For crying out loud, Louis, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!”

“A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,” Louis replied,” W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this B-B-B-B-Bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks or wo-wo-would yo-you J-j-just l-like m-m-me T-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read It t-to y-y-you?”

Sep 19 2014

Careful With That Flask, Eugene!

We haven’t talked about people leaving their kids unbuckled, but strapping in their beer for a while. I guess we’re due.

Robert Eugene Mobley put a bottle of whiskey in the car-seat, put his two-year-old kid in the front seat beside him, and didn’t even bother to buckle him in. Mobley was already quite wabbly, passing out at an intersection.

After his car didn’t move, someone reported it to the cops, who soon figured out that drinking wasn’t his only problem, nor was this his first time drinking and driving.

If that small baggy of white powder they found on him was cocaine, he sure didn’t use any of it to keep awake. That kid’s lucky nothing even scarier happened.

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