The Devil Went Down To The Laundromat

Do you ever get fixated on the rhythm of something like a clock or a knocking engine or a washing machine and think to yourself man, I could put music to this? I do that all the time. Evidently so does this guy, but unlike me he’s ambitious and talented and as a result he made the video I never got around to.

If you can hold it together when the fiddle kicks in, you’re stronger than I.

The White Part Of The TV Is Acting Up Again

Since the whole world or at least what feels like it is talking about racism right now, I’m gonna leave this right here as a reminder that in spite of appearances and the best efforts of some, we have actually made progress. There once was a time when it was perfectly acceptable to run commercials like this on television.

That’s…not good.

It does sport a pretty catchy tune though I must say, and I’m not afraid to admit that the bit about reservations made me laugh a little.

Anyway, let’s all try to get along and love each other a little more, and maybe not elect bigoted dimwit celebrities who are qualified to do exactly 0 things to important public offices in the future, whatdaya think?

I Meant To Say That! It’s An Obscure Play By The Great Tennessee Wieners!


Maybe the blind kid isn’t the first one who should be making fun of folks for sucking at Wheel of Fortune, but come on, Kevin! I won’t blame you for not seeing the play (I haven’t either), but all you needed was one letter, man! One! Stinkin’! Letter! I’m going to sit here and imagine that you were in a years long coma and woke up just in time to go on the show, because if I don’t do that I’m gonna go nuts.

Oh and Pat, if you’re serious, I suggest the New York Subway system. I hear a lot of that goes on there, and it’s definitely cheaper than theatre tickets.

If We Add An Extra L He’ll Be Extra Good At It

I can only theorize that if you look at your newborn son and say to yourself “he looks like a Fellony,” either you already know you don’t like him or that you have insights about the future the rest of us don’t. And considering how things have been going for Fellony with two Ls Hudson, option two seems like a good place to put the smart money. Good call, mom and dad.

Gresham police said the incident began around 7:30 p.m. Tuesday when a caller reported seeing a man hit a woman in a vehicle that was driving recklessly northbound on C Street in Vancouver.
The witness told police the driver seemed high on drugs. The witness said the vehicle was a Dodge Caliber with Oregon license plates.
Police ran the licenses plate number and determined the vehicle was stolen out of Portland about a week ago.
A probable cause affidavit says a Vancouver police officer attempted to stop the vehicle by activating his overhead lights and sirens. Police said the vehicle slowed, but there appeared to be a physical struggle between the driver and the passenger before the vehicle continued driving.
Police reported in the document that the passenger opened the vehicle door and tried to jump from the moving vehicle four times.
The driver, later identified as Fellony Edward Hudson, would grab her, pull her toward him and close the door each time.
Police said this happened while Hudson drove at speeds of 50 to 80 miles per hour.
Authorities pursued the suspect Hudson onto Interstate 84.
When Gresham police joined the pursuit, there were already 10 vehicles pursuing the suspect in the car, police said.
Police said Hudson got out of the car on SE Stark Street and started running north. Officers caught up with him in the parking lot of the Weston Car Dealership and took him into custody.

All of that, according to the police department, is good for felony with one L charges of kidnapping, assault, possession of a stolen vehicle, attempt to elude by vehicle, reckless driving, DUII(driving under the influence of intoxicants), and attempt to elude on foot.

Hudson, who told police that the reason he didn’t stop was because the cops are “known to kill people,” was found by a drug recognition expert to be under the influence of both meth and heroin at the time. A surefire path toward continuing to live up to his birth certificate, that.

April Fool’s And Carving Tools

You know how somebody pulls an April Fool’s joke on you and then when you figure it out you’re like “oh piss off, dude” and then maybe you all have a chuckle? Some folks aren’t much for chuckling, it turns out.

Young Mr. Tom Rogers at Kaufman Texas was itching to get off a first-class April fool joke. He went to Dr. Mosley’s office and wrote an order on the slate for the doctor to go three miles in the country to see a young lady who was critically ill. Of course the doctor suspected nothing when he read his slate. It never occurred to him that anyone would trick him about such a serious matter. He rode out to see his patient and found that he had been made the victim of a cruel hoax. When he returned to Kaufman he was boiling with rage. He ascertained that Rogers was responsible for the joke, and meeting the young man he at once attacked him with a knife. The doctor was furious and showed no mercy. He stabbed Rogers repeatedly in the face, neck and body, and did not let up until he had inflicted several fatal wounds.
Such a butchery was not justified by the provocation, but Rogers brought his punishment upon himself. His idiotic little joke was well calculated to provoke wrath, and the man who without just cause makes his neighbor angry should stand the consequences. If Kaufman could get rid of all its foolish April fool jokers the community would be better off.
[April 5, 1886 – Atlanta Constitution in Georgia]

This, as you may have figured, comes from another roundup of insane April Fool’s pranks from the 1800s similar to ones we’ve previously covered.

By the way, am I the only one who finds it almost as crazy as the stabbing itself that the newspaper seems to be advocating this sort of thing? That last bit reads an awful lot like he shouldn’t have killed the guy but we’re glad he did to me.

Ass Bucket Challenge

Here comes another one out of the rusty and dusty pile of old blog ideas that I’ve been keeping around for way too long, but part of this is kind of timeless.

Back in 2014, when everyone was throwing buckets of icy water on their heads to raise money for ALS research for the Ice Bucket Challenge, a few of those challenges went horribly wrong. We wrote about the guy who got water thrown on his head from a firefighter plane, and I read about some firefighters who got zapped when the ladder they were using to hoist the ice bucket over the college students got a little too close to power. But there was one twisted story that happened at that time that really bothered me.

Some asshole teenagers in Ohio thought they had a good idea for a prank. They decided to trick some kid into participating in the ice bucket challenge, but that’s not what they had in mind. Instead, they dumped a bucket full of urine, cigarette buts and who knows what else on him. The best defense they could come up with was they didn’t know he had autism. Oh really? Let’s take this argument apart piece by piece. So, you would try and trick any old kid into that? You weren’t picking on him at all? And somehow, it would be ok to dump that stuff on someone if they didn’t have autism? What if they didn’t have autism, but had some other disability, would it be ok then? If he didn’t have any disability, what would the defense be? You thought he would find it fun too? Whether or not he had autism, throwing a bucket full of disgusting bodily fluids is assault, and pretty horrible. The kids were sentenced to community service, and one of the kids even said he wanted to work with kids with autism so he could learn more about it. Riiiiight. You really expect the judge to buy that? You don’t think he would take that opportunity to come in contact with more kids he could bully when he was off the clock and not under supervision? I hope he didn’t actually get to do that as part of his community service. Those kids who did that should be as far from vulnerable people as possible.

I will never know, but I am so curious what the lawyers would have come up with as these kids’ defense if the victim was just some kid they liked to bully, and whether it would have been accepted. It seems as soon as you have a disability, all common decency goes straight out the window and anything is acceptable under the umbrella of “I didn’t know!” Really! You would reach between anyone’s legs to pet their dog? You would herd people physically like sheep? You would talk to the people in line around the person you’re talking to and not them just for fun? You would not take the person’s word for anything they say at all? You would ask them how they can possibly be employed? People with disabilities shouldn’t be such an alien concept where all things are acceptable and the excuse they can give is “I didn’t know.”

I’m Afraid They Maytag Her As A Bad Parent

Whenever I think about this poor, poor kid, after I can let out my breath, all I can think of are two things. The washing machines in the apartment building are so deep that in order for me to reach the bottom, I have to almost climb in to get everything, so Steve helps me out so I don’t go head over heels into the machine. Second, an old Radio-Free Vestibule sketch that I saw late one night on TV goes through my head. I can’t find it anywhere on the internet, so I’m basically going to have to write it down.

A man walks into a laundromat and is looking around. He flags down a woman, explains that he’s never done laundry in his life and doesn’t know how, asking her for help. She hurriedly tells him the instructions for using the machines are on the inside of the lids and walks off. He opens the lid and reads something like “to do laundry, follow these five easy steps.
1. Put clothes in machine.”
*dumps clothes in machine*
“2. add deturgent.”
*adds deturgent*
“3. Close lid.”
*closes lid*
At this point, he is left staring at the closed lid of the washer, realizing the rest of the instructions are on the inside of the lid. He says “uh-oh…” and the sketch ends. It’s much funnier when they do it.

Sadly, what happened in this story would cause us to use much stronger words than “uh-oh.”

One afternoon, Brooke Haney fell asleep while watching her children. One of the toddlers went to play in the washing machine. Check out this little snippet of the story.

The young children in the home told police they were used to helping with the laundry.
The washing machine, which the family used as a dirty clothes hamper, was programmed to switch on when the lid closed. After the clothes were clean, one child would climb into the open machine and pass the wet clothes to another, who would then toss them into the dryer.
Alexis closed the lid — and hot water started to pour in.
Authorities said she died from “scaling and thermal injuries,” according to a probable cause affidavit filed earlier this week in Calhoun County Circuit Court.

*shiver*.

There are so many things wrong with that whole thing. Kids that age are doing laundry, they’re doing it like that, and mom is knocked out while this is going on.

I don’t have much else to say except “eek,” and I hope the washing machine doesn’t sing a cute little song when it’s done. That would just give it that extra creepy horror movie factor.

The Pain In My Brain Is Caused Mainly By The Cane

Meet another group of police officers who need to learn the difference between a white cane and a weapon. This happened last year in Winnipeg, but I finally got around to writing it down.

It seems that Steven Stairs was walking from a bar to a payphone, and he had the misfortune of being in the same area where they were looking for a man with a concealed weapon. He had an ID cane on his hip, and they thought it was a weapon. They asked him to stop, but being legally blind, he didn’t know they were talking to him, so kept moving, and that’s when they tackled him. They say he was drunk and disorderly. I wasn’t there, so I don’t know, but I would at least be disorderly if I was suddenly tackled by a bunch of unknown folks for doing absolutely nothing. Come on, wouldn’t you?

An ID cane
Yeah, that is a scary weapon…if you’re a toddler maybe.

The “dangerous weapon” in question, if his ID cane looks like any other ID cane I’ve ever seen, was one of these. You can’t even use these things as a proper cane to tap obstacles, because you’ll probably break it. I’m sure if you really tried you might be able to bruise someone with one of these, but that’s if you’re really trying, and if they stood there long enough to let you.

In my googling to figure out if Stairs has followed up on his legal action he wanted to take against the police, I found out that this happened to another guy way back in 1989. This time, some police officers in California mistook the guy’s folded cane for a set of nunchakus. Ok, cops, let’s sit down and do a little comparison.

set of nunchakus
Not a white cane, though it would make getting through crowds much easier.

folded white cane
Dishing out beatings…to the ground as intended.

The officers thought because his eyes were open and he seemed to be looking at them, he wasn’t blind, even though his eyes were milky in colour. Ok, while we’re at it, watch this here video.

I wish I could find the old CNIB “not everyone who looks blind is totally blind” commercial, but it has been lost to history. Anyway, are we good now?

I know that sometimes police have to make split-second decisions and they think they see something that turns out to be not what they thought it was, but some of this stuff feels completely unnecessary. In all of these cases, people were walking, using a payphone and standing at a bus stop. None of them were running, lunging aggressively, or doing anything that would make the officer feel threatened, judging from the descriptions. In the case of the bus stop guy, why assume he can see your uniform. Identify yourself as police, and ask a couple of questions to make him realize you’re talking to him, and you’d soon find out that’s a cane, feel foolish and walk away, without needing to clonk the guy with your baton. In the case of the pay phone guy, say something specific like “Sir, this is the police, put down the phone.” to make him realize “gees, that’s for me and I should listen up,” and you could have likely been able to have a conversation. If I hear someone yelling “Stop!”, I’m not going to assume that’s for me unless you’re super close to me, and heck, I might want to get out of there faster in case some shit’s going to go down that I don’t want to witness in an up close and personal way. But I’m not running away because I’m evading you, I didn’t realize you were yelling for me.

I’m pretty sure police get some kind of awareness training to do with disabilities, but I’m starting to think it should be refreshed like CPR training so maybe a few less of us get our heads caved in unnecessarily.

So Long To Adobe Flash, One Of The Best Worst Things About The Internet

I realize this news isn’t exactly breaking, but there are only so many times you get to celebrate the death of something as goddamned irritating as Adobe Flash, sooooo…

Adobe Systems Inc.’s Flash, a once-ubiquitous technology used to power most of the media content found online, will be retired at the end of 2020, the software company announced Tuesday.
Adobe, along with partners Apple Inc, Microsoft Corp, Alphabet Inc’s Google, Facebook Inc and Mozilla Corp, said support for Flash will ramp down across the internet in phases over the next three years.

After 2020, Adobe will stop releasing updates for Flash and web browsers will no longer support it. The companies are encouraging developers to migrate their software onto modern programming standards.

To be fair, Flash wasn’t all bad. I think it’s safe to say that without it, the internet would be a drastically different place. YouTube, for instance, absolutely would not be what it is today had Flash not been around in 2005. For that reason, it deserves to be celebrated as the groundbreaking innovation it so clearly was.

But at the same time as it has absolutely been critically important to the evolution of the web as we know it, it’s also been responsible for some of the most frustrating, screenreader inaccessible user experiences in the history of the fucking earth. Ucking ear, reenreader periencfucking earth.

Sorry, most of you. That’s a little humour for any of my fellow screenreader users who have ever been caught in bouncing Flash animation hell while just trying to read a frigging webpage, a group I like to call all of us. And it is for that reason, not to mention the button button button button flash movie start flash movie end phenomenon and the countless dangerous security flaws it’s responsible for that it deserves to be thrown into a pit far underneath hell, never to return.

Good riddance and thank you all at once, you brilliant piece of garbage you.