He’s Out Of His Tree, Yet Very Much In It

If you’re going to study traffic patterns or perform some art or whatever else it is you might do while you block the road in the middle of downtown dressed up like a tree, Asher Woodworth is a pretty convenient real name to be sporting while you do it.

Asher Woodworth was apparently studying downtown traffic patterns in Portland while in his leafy costume, the Associated Press reported.
Police said he wanted to see how his act would impact “people’s natural choreography,” according to WCSH6.

The 30-year-old has been charged with obstructing a public way.
A journalist at the scene said Woodworth was initially warned by police, but he was arrested after he blocked traffic again.

If you want to take a stab at sorting out what it means to impact “people’s natural choreography, this interview exists. But be warned, even Woodworth himself doesn’t quite know what the hell he was doing.

What was the connection between disrupting the speed and economy of everyday life and dressing as a tree?
It’s a good question. I don’t know that I can say I completely understand the connection between the two things. I’m not sure where this image came from. I think there is something about everyday life as a ceremony that I’m interested in and the ritual nature of art.
I guess I just figured it would be really interesting for someone to look over and see a tree where they weren’t expecting to see a tree. I thought maybe it would be amusing or delightful, or maybe it would upset them. And all of those responses are interesting and valid.

Snitches Get Stitches, But Attention Gets Detention

“Due to snitches, everyone entering my home is subject to being searched. All cell phones and drinks will be left outside. If you’re not a snitch, it won’t offend you if I search you.”

You will be shocked, shocked I say to learn that upon seeing a sign bearing those words on the door of a home police went to whilst investigating something unrelated to drugs, they promptly obtained permission to search that home for drugs. And if that shocked you, you will doubtless fall out of your chair when I tell you that wonder of wonders, they found some drugs. Heroin, meth, and some other substances that weren’t immediately identifiable but that police believe are probably going to be drugs.

April Lavender has been charged with possession of a controlled substance with intent to deliver, while another woman, Kristie Weis, was dinged for the joyriding complaint that brought the attention of the police to them in the first place.

Keep Your Promises, And These Pumpkin Seeds

A woman in Hamilton is being questioned by the RCMP and could potentially be facing charges after engaging in a 1-sided food feud with Justin Trudeau.

A woman who threw pumpkin seeds at Prime Minister Justin Trudeau in Hamilton today is being questioned by the RCMP.
Trudeau was leaving city hall after meeting with the mayor, when the woman hurled the seeds at him, shouting, “Keep your promises!”
She was immediately tackled to the ground by security.

Before the incident, the woman and a man identified as David Johnson had been seen holding a banner reading “No New Pipelines,” so it’s likely the seed tossing had something to do with that though it’s not clear to me, whoever wrote the story I’m working from or even David Johnson himself what the significance of them might be.

The Frantics Would Like To Give Us Frantic Times Podcasts, And They Would Like Us To Help Pay For It

When the Frantics were doing their Frantic Times radio show in the early 80s, I was a tiny little baby and didn’t get to hear it. So now that there’s a chance to maybe get my hands on a bunch of those shows as a series of free podcasts, it only makes sense that I’d plug the fundraising effort. I may also have to toss in the $10 it would take to get my very own Mr. Canoehead voicemail greeting.

They’re looking to raise $5000 for the editing work and such, and so far they’re already up to around $1400 with a month to go.

A short intro for people who have come here by accident, are intrigued but have no idea what this is all about.
Okay, The Frantics are a comedy troupe from Canada. We had our most productive years between 1979 and 1988. We toured with our live stage shows, had a short-lived TV show- 4 on the Floor, and recorded several albums, all of which were made famous by Dr. Demento (see above).
Here’s what we’re doing
We also had a weekly, 30 minute, radio show on CBC called Frantic Times. One hundred and ten half-hour episodes, performed in front of a live audience (lots of real laughs) were produced. That’s what this is all about, making Frantic Times, recorded between 1981 and 1984, available once again. We are taking more than 900 sketches and creating a best-of set of podcasts for new and old fans.
Our goal is to raise $5,000. We estimate that the 100, or so, original, hilarious shows will edit down to 50 killer shows. That equals $100 for each half-hour show. Pretty reasonable, we think.
For podcasting, early 2017.
What are we raising the cash for?
Sifting through the insane amount of material, picking the best, bringing them up to the highest broadcast standards and packaging them for podcasts is time consuming and requires technical skills we don’t have. So we’ve hired an expert in the field and will use the money collected here to produce the podcasts as well as create the extremely fun perks available over there to the right.
A successful podcast series also needs a website, proper Facebook page and other technical things we know nothing about. So the money will be going to that, also.
What are the risks to you?
Fair question. Honestly, pretty low. All the radio shows have been produced. They sound great, as you can tell from the sample. All we’re doing is editing them down to the best-of material and taking out music that can’t be licensed. That’s it.

Smile, You’re On What Should Be A Pretty Obvious Candid Camera

Here’s one for the it’s only a matter of time files.

Police are looking for a man who got away with $75 in cash from and did about the same amount of damage to an amusement park photo booth. He shouldn’t be too hard to find, since photo booths have cameras in them. Who knew?

Batavia Police said the man went behind the curtain of a cash-operated photo booth at Funway Amusements, an indoor amusement park, and pried open the cash drawer.
Detective Kevin Bretz said this particular photo booth had built-in security.
”What the person didn’t know was, if you start to tamper with this machine in any way, it takes your picture while you’re sitting there, and we just happened to get pictures of our offender,” Bretz said.

You can see those pictures at the link above, and assuming he hasn’t already been scooped up, contact the appropriate authorities if they look familiar.

The Guzzle Buddy: Because Why Would You Pour Wine When You Can Just Make The Bottle Into A Glass

I don’t know that the Guzzle Buddy is as great an invension as the Beerbelly, but you won’t be convincing me that it shouldn’t come up during a conversation about the shortlist of the best something or other.

The original guzzle buddy turns your wine bottle into your oversized XL wine glass. It is the true, ultimate wine bottle glass, because everyone loves an extra-large wine glass. Pouring wine is such a chore, so no more wasting time pouring or empty glasses. Grab your guzzle buddy and follow these three easy steps. Open your favorite bottle of wine. Insert the guzzle buddy by screwing directly into the top of your bottle. Tilt the bottle and enjoy drinking straight from your wine bottle glass. As you tilt the bottle, the guzzle buddy gently aerates the wine giving you a whole new drinking experience.

And good news. Classing up your next dinner party won’t break the bank unless you’re extremely poor. Your very own Guzzle Buddy will only set you back $14.49 once Amazon gets them back in stock.

On The Bright Side, Maybe He’ll Be Able To Get Medical Marijuana For The Pain

At this point, I’m sure that everyone but the people doing it has figured out that using Facebook to set up crimes makes you a bad criminal. I’m so sure, in fact, that stories where that’s the only thing that goes wrong hardly even register with me anymore. But criminals being what they are, plenty of them still find ways to make sure that I click on those headlines whenever I see one, juuuuuuust in case.

According to court documents:
The teenager set up a drug deal on Facebook with a friend. His friend met the dealer, who showed him the marijuana he wanted. The friend grabbed the bag and ran.
The dealer and the passenger from his car chased the friend about 50 yards before the teenager — wearing a mask and showing a handgun — showed up and asked, “What’s up?”
The dealer and passenger then ran toward their car.
The teenager went to put the gun back into his pants and the weapon fired a bullet through his leg.

Though I suppose it’s technically correct, “through his leg” seems like a bit of an understated way to describe a shot that resulted in 7 hours of surgery to repair a fractured pelvis, fractured femur, severely damaged femoral artery, left groin and left buttocks.

And since no, he has not suffered enough, he now faces charges of suspicion of committing first-degree armed robbery and unlawful possession of a firearm. Two others who are believed to be his accomplices were also charged with first-degree robbery.

Um, Are Ya Really Gonna Vote For This Guy?

I found this on my Facebook feed, and just had to share.

Lyrics were transcribed in the Youtube comments, and I put them here because the captions I heard whizzing by left a lot to be desired. “no truck wants total access?”

He’s super callous, fragile, egocentric, braggadocious
Likes to throw big words around and hopes that we all notice
If he keeps repeating them they might just make him POTUS
Super careless, fragile ego, extra braggadocious

Um, are you really gonna vote for this guy?
Mm, are you really gonna vote for this guy?
Um, are you really gonna vote for this guy?
Uh, are you really gonna vote for this guy?

He says that he’s the man and thinks he’s got the Midas touch
But does he have a plan to fix the country?
Trump: Not so much
And if you’re not convinced by all that hyperbole
He says, “Shut up! Just by a stupid hat and vote for me.”

He’s super careless, fragile – that’s why Hillary’s relaxed
This time Bill Clinton may as well sit back and play the sax
His wife erased her emails and now Trump wants total access
Then once hell has frozen over he’ll release his taxes

Um, are you really gonna vote for this guy?
Mm, are you really gonna vote for this guy?
Um, are you really gonna vote for this guy?
(laughs), are you really gonna vote for this guy?

He found a word that sounded smart and used it all day long
But even Webster’s Dictionary said he got it wrong
So if you’re undecided or ya hate the other sex
Remember in November how he likes to sign his checks

It’s super sleazy fabricating sexist and obnoxious
Even just the thought of voting for him makes me nauseous
If you like America you’ll keep him out of office
Superficial, chauvinistic, arrogant and thoughtless

Um, are you really gonna vote for this guy?
Who the hell’s gonna vote for this guy?

Of course, you can say it backwards which is
Trump: Did you ask me a question?
Randy: Nope, I didn’t say anything

So, when his words escape him and he hasn’t got a prayer
He’s feeling kinda dizzy ’cause he sucked up all that air
He better keep his guard up because she might take a swing
Hillary: And you know what else I prepared for? I prepared to be president and I think that’s a good thing.
Randy: Wait a minute. Did you just hand him his ass and quote Martha Stewart?
Yas, bitch.
Excuse me, I mean Secretary Bitch

Super calculated,adolescent, braggadocious
If you hate both nominees, remember he’s the grossest
Meanwhile, look at Jill and Gary sippin’ on Mimosas
Super callous, fragile, egocentric, braggadocious!

Trump: I think I did a good job
Super callous, fragile, egocentric, braggadocious!

“Um, are you really gonna vote for this guy?” is a question I seriously want to ask the people who support Trump. Every so often, I read someone’s post where they say they’re supporting Trump, hoping maybe I can understand the appeal, or see some rational reason…and…so far, I haven’t seen much that is redeeming. It gets especially bad when someone disagrees with them respectfully, and they respond with emoji of middle fingers extended. Yeah, real mature. I know that neither candidate is squeaky clean, but the amount of filth he is wallowing in goes beyond words.

Every time I see a video like this, it gives me a little more hope, but I admit that November 8 makes me nervous, and I’m not even American.

Rogers Centre Fan Assist: This Fan Thanks You For Your Assistance.

A few weeks ago, Steve and I went to another Blue Jays game, one of the last games of the season. That was a fun game to watch. But the reason I’m writing about it is because we learned about a service offered by the Rogers Centre that’s pretty cool, and I wish it was more broadly advertised.

It’s called Fan Assist. How it works is you text a phone number and you can ask them a question, anything ranging from “where’s an ATM?” to “where’s the nearest bathroom?” to “I have a security issue in my section.” You give them your section, row and seat number and they either can just answer you, or they send someone to help you. How friggin awesome is that?

As fate would have it, I needed to make use of the service that night. Tanseroo was being silly, and when I offered her a chance to relieve when we got off the bus from work, all she would do was pee. I was sure that she’d need to do the other at some point…I didn’t know how long she could hold it.

I noticed a little while later that Tansy was looking very uncomfortable. We had arrived pretty early for the game, and had heard the PA guy make an announcement about fan assist, so I figured it was time to try it out, so I did. They texted me right back and said they would send someone. It took a few minutes, but hey, this is the Rogers Centre…people can’t just appear instantly. A nice fellow came and got some kind of pass to take us out of the building, took the dog and I outside, Tans took care of business, seemingly quite gratefully, and then he brought us back to my seat. Friggin yes!

Here is the page with the info, and here is the specific bit about Fan Assist.

Guests are invited to make use of the Rogers Centre Fan Assist Program if they have an issue in their seating section or a question related to their experience.
Simply send us a text to 647-503-4131 using your mobile phone – please include your issue or question and seating section, row and seat. The process is quick and simple and by using the Fan Assist Program, guests are able to report issues and concerns, ask for information and call for assistance in a discreet and convenient manner.
Operators are standing by and participation in our service is free of charge; however, standard carrier text messaging & data charges will apply. Please note, cell phone numbers that repeatedly send messages which are deemed fraudulent or irrelevant may be prevented from communicating in the future.

Awesome. Believe me, I was grateful for the program that night, and evidently, so was Tansy. I’m going to put that number in my contact list so if I need it again, it will make the process even faster. I hope they never eliminate it.