Get On My Lawn!


Generally speaking, you probably shouldn’t take the law into your own hands. But sometimes it’s pretty funny when someone does.

Police in La Puente, California, got a call from someone claiming he was being followed. When they arrived, what they found was a man jumping from rooftop to rooftop for some reason and refusing to come down. For hours it went like this, even after a crisis negotiator was called in.

And then he got to Wilford Burgess’ house.

“I’d made up my mind. I said, ‘He’s on my roof? Whatever it takes, he’s coming off,’ ” Wilford Burgess told ABC7 after he pushed the man off his house’s roof.
Burgess said he told his neighbor he needed to borrow his ladder to get the man down.
“I’m going on that roof. That sucker’s coming down,” Burgess said.
In a video of the incident, Burgess is seen pushing and shoving the man and giving him a few “choice words” before the man is launched off the front of the roof and slams onto the hood of Burgess’ car. The windshield was wrecked with a circular web of cracks and breaks from the man’s impact.

The jumper, who was not named and appears to be physically ok, was taken for a mental evaluation.

As for Burgess, who for the record is 83-years-old, he won’t be charged with anything. He just gets to be everybody’s hero for a while.

Modern Pop Music Is Awful Say Scientists, Your Parents

Every generation thinks that the stuff it grew up on is better than the shit we have now. It happens with everything. Movies, TV, sports, society in general…you name it, somebody will inevitably complain about it. Maybe it has to do with the things I tend to personally pay attention to, but there’s nowhere I notice this more than when it comes to music. Rock, punk, jazz, blues, big band…all of it has been described as noise or devil music or racket or lame or square or any number of not so friendly terms meant to represent the ruination of a once great art form. So when I started bitching about new music which believe it or not first happened when I was in high school, even though in my heart I knew I was right and everybody else was an idiot, I also figured it was just me getting old before my time.

Or maybe it isn’t. I’m definitely getting old before my time in some ways, I’ve known that forever. but maybe everyone else is, in fact, an idiot where this issue is concerned.

You may not agree with everything buddy says here (there are plenty of songs that have absolutely stood the test of time that took a while to grow on me), but it’s hard to argue most of this. Almost everything (even the stuff I think is good) has a certain sameness to it now. A lot of it is way too loud. And don’t even try telling me that there’s no such thing as a millennial whoop, the fancy term for the oooing and aaaaing and woooing and woeing that slides into every song where the hooks sung with words used to go.

The words which, as has rightly been pointed out in the video and elsewhere, are getting dumber. That’s not me arguing that us older folks didn’t have our share of stupid songs, it’s just pointing out that they used to be called novelty records whereas now they’re just called records.

I know we’re never going to agree on this even though science is telling us to. We can’t even agree on climate change, for Christ’s sake! But when the day comes that you can’t tell an Uptown Funk from a Blurred Lines from a Hotline Bling and you’re wondering what the hell happened, you can’t say you weren’t warned.

So Long, Bobby “The Brain” Heenan. You Were The Best


As a tiny, wrestling watching kid, Bobby Heenan was a hard guy for me to wrap my head around. On one hand he was this terrible man who kept getting other terrible men to attack all my heroes, but as somebody who was also drawn to comedy and broadcasting from a very early age, I couldn’t take my eyes off of him because he was an absolutely hilarious guy who could talk like nobody’s business. It didn’t help that one of the terrible men he managed was Big John Studd, who I got to meet when I was seven years old and who to this day is still way up there at the top of the list of the nicest famous people I’ve ever met, even though he wasn’t supposed to be because wrestling was real.

But all of that said, any bit of internal conflict that may have existed in my brain didn’t matter, because Bobby Heenan was special. He was so fantastic at his job that it was easy to laugh at all of his jokes but still hate him at the same time. His lines about the Big Boss Man’s mother often had me rolling, for instance, but I still kind of hoped Boss Man would slap the piss out of him one day.

Everybody has their favourite Bobby moment. Yours might even be in that tribute video up there. As for me, there are two that come to mind immediately.

First, there’s the Barbershop window.

Yes, this was mainly about the Rockers splitting up and was a pretty heavy angle by WWF standards, but I’ll never forget Bobby’s commentary. “Jannetty tried to dive through the window to escape!” is one of my favourite lines ever. But even as ridiculous as it was, it somehow fit perfectly. It takes talent to pull something like that off, and nobody could do that sort of thing quite like The Brain.

And then there’s the 1992 Royal Rumble match. If you have the Network, go back and listen to Bobby. The way he lives and dies with everything Ric Flair does is incredible, and it wouldn’t surprise me to hear that it required almost as much energy as actually being in the ring.

Whatever your best memory is I hope you treasure it, because I doubt we’ll ever see anyone else like Bobby Heenan. People say it all the time, but he really was one of a kind. I don’t know if heaven is a real place, but if it is, any minute now I expect to hear Gorilla Monsoon yelling “Will you stop!” from all the way there.

Rest well, Brain.

Follow Me. A Short Film About Every Internet Video Making Goober You Ever Did See


Whenever I hear a person described as an “online influencer”, “internet celebrity ” or “thought leader”, I can’t help but think of somebody just like this geek right here. Seriously, this movie is all of them.

A stay-at-home dad and self-proclaimed “internet celebrity” ignores an obvious addiction to social media, and attention from strangers, while embarrassing his family with his cringeworthy behavior and the hack “content” he creates.
Cast: Will Sasso, Justina Machado, Demi Adejuyigbe, Jacy King, Laird Macintosh, Samantha Velez, Marcel Nahapetian

Netflix And Audio Description Ease And Satisfaction Survey

I’m not a Netflix subscriber so I can’t really help out here, but if you are and can, you have until September 20th to take part in a survey on its described video offerings.

Sara Brennan, a Masters student at the University of Montreal in the Vision Sciences program, is exploring the ease and satisfaction of use of the described audio description available on Netflix. She is looking for blind individuals who are users of screen reading software to learn more about their experience with online television watching.
The survey should take no more than 10-15 minutes and is completely voluntary.
For more information, please see:
• In English, https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/KL3CPXX
• In French, https://fr.surveymonkey.com/r/9JFWKFX

I Was Just Trying A Different Door Like You Said

I likely would have posted this regardless because it’s the sort of thing we tend to enjoy, but it’s nearer and dearer to my heart than usual because I used to live in Woodstock and still have some family there. Guess what, guys. You’re officially smarter than at least one neighbour. Congratulations.

The 41-year-old man, who is currently on probation and known to police, tried to enter the Woodstock police station on July 5 at around 1:30 a.m. by buzzing at the back door used by staff members.
When police told him he had to enter through the front door he decided instead to wander through the staff parking lot where he entered and searched staff vehicles.
Once he finished stealing everything in one car he moved on to another staff vehicle.

In a development that should come as a surprise to maybe this one guy here, police stations are loaded with security cameras. They are also, and you might want to sit down for this one, loaded with police officers. Police officers who will catch you pretty handily 99 times out of 100 in spite of your best efforts to walk away from them whilst you profess your innocence.

This was not the 100th time, and police were able to recover several stolen items during the ensuing search and arrest.

No word on which door they take you through when your destination is jail.

They Plan To Throw The Book At Him

Out of pocket nearly $60,000 and facing some trouble with the law after his spring cleaning operation touched off a 700 acre wildfire is Brian Leon Sparks.

A 55-year-old Bryceville man cited by the state for illegally burning books and starting a wildfire that ended up scorching 705 acres in late March now has a $59,403.38 bill to settle for the personnel and machinery used to extinguish that blaze.

Brian Leon Sparks received the bill Monday from the Florida Department of Agriculture for “the amount we incurred in suppressing the fire,” according to its cover letter.
The invoiced bill is on top of a misdemeanor criminal citation for failure to obtain a department permit and reckless land burning after he started burning old paperbacks and clutter outside his Wills Lane home March 22, according to Forest Service officials. The flames got out of control, forcing evacuations, damaging eight homes and prompting a massive fire-suppression effort.

When He Said “Stop! Police!”, Was He Talking To The Suspect Or His Backup?

I’m not positive, but I feel like this might be appropriate.

No matter what you might think of the police, one thing I’m pretty sure we can all agree on is that they have a very dangerous job. Every day, they face the prospect of verbal abuse, physical violence, being shot, tased, bitten by a canine unit…hold on, back up a little. Something doesn’t sound quite right.

It started when Brad Browning, an officer in the small town of Dilworth, spotted a car with one headlight out about 1:45 a.m. When he pulled the car over, he discovered that the driver, Stephen Hietala of Perham, had a warrant out for his arrest.
Soon, a Moorhead police officer arrived on the scene as backup, and the two officers attempted to arrest and handcuff Hietala, 27, who resisted. In the struggle, the Moorhead officer pulled his Taser and fired.
Trouble was, he missed Hietala, hitting Browning instead.
Hietala immediately fled, running through the neighborhood with Browning in pursuit. By the time Hietala hid between two garages in an alley, a Clay County sheriff’s deputy had arrived with a police dog. The dog was cut loose, but instead of biting Hietala, it bit Browning, the police report said.

Believe it or not, Hietala was eventually arrested without further injury to officer Browning, who has been given time off to recover from the six staples it took to close the dog bite in his leg.

Happy Birthday, Canadian TV!

This week kind of sort of marks the 65th birthday of Canadian television. There were experimental broadcasts years before then and if you lived in the right place and had a big enough antenna you could pull in some American stations, but until September 6th, 1952, Canada had no actual broadcast television of its own.

It was on that day that CBFT, more commonly known as CBC Montreal, signed on. It was followed two days later by CBC Toronto A.K.A. CBLT. The rest, as the saying goes, is history.

On September 6, 1952, CBC TV debuted in Montreal on CBFT. At 4 p.m., viewers tuned in and watched the movie Aladdin and his Lamp, followed by a cartoon, and then a French film, a news review and a bilingual variety show.
Two days later, CBC TV debuted in Toronto. Seconds before the cameras went live, a technician removed and cleaned the CBC logo slide. Producer Murray Chercover shouted at the technician, “Don’t do that!” and the rattled crew member placed the slide back in upside down as the network took to the airwaves. “I can’t remember what we did, or if we shot the poor guy responsible,” Norman Jewison, then a 25-year-old floor director, later recalled.

Say what you want about the CBC, but you’ll never convince me that Canada would be better off without it than it has been with it. You simply won’t find a more reliable, consistent source for news, sports, music and comedy in this country.

The Story Of One Of Journalism’s Worst Days Ever

I don’t mean to alarm any of you, but believe it or not, the media makes mistakes. In spite of the high standards they’re justifiably held to, reporters are, at the end of the day, just as human as the rest of us. Sometimes their mistakes are pretty funny and when the eventual correction is issued we all have a nice, hearty laugh. But what happens when things go terribly, profanely wrong? The kind of wrong that sees things fail on every conceivable level? Sometimes, it’s this.

The headline, INEXPERIENCE FACES GREEN WAVE SOCCER, suggests nothing beyond some sort of small-town newspaper sports preview story, and the byline (Nick DeLeonibus) is that of a name that rings unfamiliar to most. Upon closer inspection, you can ascertain that the piece appeared in the Gallatin (Tenn.) News Examiner in the winter of 1997.
“With March 11th quickly approaching,” it begins, “Gallatin soccer head coach Rufus Lassiter wants to take things day-by-day.”
The ensuing 10 paragraphs add little to explain why anyone would want to read. Even now, two decades after publication, much of the article reads as flatly as it surely did on the Friday it hit newsstands. Like many of its ilk, this is an article written primarily for the 20 or so members of the Gallatin High boys soccer team and their families. It exists so that, when they ultimately have children and grandchildren of their own, Daniel Sanders and Randall Carter and Michael McRae and the other Green Wave players can blow dust off the ol’ scrapbook and say, “See, I was once something…”
The information provided is standard local fare. Coming off a mediocre 7-7-2 season, the Green Wave of 1997 will likely struggle even more with the loss of seven seniors. Sanders and Carter will split time in goal, but at least Lassiter will have five veterans to turn to. There’s McRee, there’s Farrell, there’s Sparkman and Watson and, of course, there’s Bubba Dixon.

Writes DeLeonibus in the tenth paragraph: “Sparkman started last year and will be back on defense. He plays a very physical, tough-nosed brand of soccer.”
Yawn.
Writes DeLeonibus in the eleventh paragraph: “Watson started last year as a defensive player. He works very hard and has good speed.”
Yawn.
Writes DeLeonibus in the twelfth paragraph: “Dixon sucks donkey dicks and doesn’t wipe the shit off before practice. We like to keep him at the sweeper position so his sperm breath will stop people from penetrating to the goal. Speaking of penetrating, he prefers tall, red-headed guys. Told me to tell Kris he said ‘hello.’”
Wait.
What?
What?

What follows is the story of how something like that came to be plastered all over thousands of copies of a local newspaper and the fallout that resulted. Lawsuits, redemption, stupidity, death and so much more. It’s a fascinating article, well worth it if you don’t mind a bit of profanity (let’s face it, you’re here so you don’t) and have some time to kill on a fine piece of writing.