A Few Quick Jokes From The Inbox

*My wife asked me if she was the only one I’d been with. I said yes, all the others were nines and tens.

*I just got a copy of Steven Tyler’s new Chinese cookbook. Wok this way.

*I went to my hairdresser and said, “Can you cut my hair like David Bowie?”

He made a right mess of it. I said, “This is terrible!”

He said, “Yeah, but David Bowie can’t cut hair…”

*News : ’74 Year Old Man Clubbed To Death’.

Wow, what a party animal!

*Q: Why can’t Stevie Wonder see his friends?

A: Because he’s married.

*Q: What is a wolf’s favourite metal?

A: Awoominum.

*Me: I’m terrified of random letters.

Psychiatrist: Oh, are you?

(Screaming begins)

Psychiatrist: Oh I see.

(Screaming intensifies)

*How did people first figure out that it was cicadas that make that noise? I could see that taking a long time. I bet there was like a thousand years where people were like, ‘Yeah, the trees are screaming. They do that in the summer.’

*Q: What’d The Seven Dwarfs say when Snow White woke up from her deep sleep?

A: “I guess it’s back to jerking off.”

*Q: What’d the Chinese kid name his pet lion?

A: Ryan.

*They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Turns out the parents of that cerebral palsy kid on my street strongly disagree.

But If Only Part Of Me Hits You, How Can You Sue All Of Me?

Not that you should need one, but here’s another reason to avoid getting yourself hit by a train. If part of your silly ass ends up injuring someone nearby, your estate might end up having to pay for it.

Ruling in what it called a “tragically bizarre” case, an appeals court found that the estate of a man killed by a train while crossing the Edgebrook Metra station tracks can be held liable after a part of his body sent airborne by the collision struck and injured a bystander.
In 2008, Hiroyuki Joho, 18, was hurrying in pouring rain with an umbrella over his head, trying to catch an inbound Metra train due to arrive in about five minutes when he was struck by a southbound Amtrak train traveling more than 70 mph.
A large portion of his body was thrown about 100 feet on to the southbound platform, where it struck Gayane Zokhrabov, then 58, who was waiting to catch the 8:17 a.m. train to work. She was knocked to the ground, her leg and wrist broken and her shoulder injured.
A Cook County judge dismissed Zokhrabov’s lawsuit against Joho’s estate, finding that Joho could not have anticipated Zokhrabov’s injuries.
A state appeals court, after noting that the case law involving “flying bodies” is sparse, has disagreed, ruling that “it was reasonably foreseeable” that the high-speed train would kill Joho and fling his body down the tracks toward a platform where people were waiting.

Yes, this story is from 2011. But helpful information is helpful information no matter how old it might be.

I Lost ON Jeopardy


Stephanie Stein, one of the many unfortunate victims fed to James Holzhauer during his run on Jeopardy, wrote about the experience. I’m happy she did, because I’ve often wondered, as I watch the great champions play like destroyers of worlds, what it must be like to be one of those other guys and what sorts of champions those other guys could have become had they gotten to play on any other day.

In a way it sounds like I imagine it would be, feelings that come full circle from I’m so happy I’m here to this guy is not going to do this to me to well, I’m happy to have had this experience, but the sense of hope mixed with resignation even before you’ve heard the first clue seems like something hard to comprehend until you’ve lived it.

The show tapes five episodes every day that it’s on set, and you don’t know which game you’ll be playing until they call your name, minutes before your turn. The rest of the time, all you and your comrades/opponents have to do is watch. It’s supposed to be fun: You’re playing a game. But that morning, it felt like we’d stumbled into a war zone.
Three games went by. In the second one, his final total was $110,914, beating the previous one-game record by more than $30,000. (He has since broken his own record, with $131,127, and has won $1.7 million so far.)

I remember someone joking, “Who’s next into the meat grinder?” I couldn’t decide if I wanted it to be me. At least then the wait would be over. My mother was in the audience, and you’re not allowed to talk to your guests during the taping, but her face said it all.
Lewis Black, a lawyer from Salt Lake City, and I am the first ones out of the trenches after production breaks for lunch. It’ll be a Thursday episode, April 11. We step onto marked-off squares that have built-in elevators that rise up to make it look like we’re all the same height. Lewis and I give each other a look. I try to remember that we’re playing against each other, too, but it doesn’t feel that way. It feels like we’re in this together. And someone, somehow, has got to take this guy down.

It’s not like I didn’t realize that was unlikely. In a strange way, though, the long odds felt liberating. The numbers on the game board stopped being real money and became nothing more than points in a game. A game I was still going to try to win, because Goliath or not, this was my one shot.

I Got Him!


Bad: Being killed in a drive-by shooting.
Worse: Being killed in a drive-by shooting that you’re helping to carry out.
Worse than that: Being killed in a drive-by shooting that you’re helping to carry out by a guy in your own car.

Gibson was driving about 5:40 a.m. in the first block of West 71st Street when he pulled alongside a white SUV waiting to make a left turn, prosecutors said.

Lee, seated in the front passenger seat, began firing at the SUV with a .40-caliber handgun and accidentally shot Gibson in the head, prosecutors said. Even with the gunshot wound, Gibson was able to drive more than two miles to the 6700 block of South Marshfield. A 22-year-old man was also wounded in the shooting.

Next Stop, No

LILLEY: Metrolinx to sell naming rights for railway stations, waiting areas, parking lots

I’ve always found the selling of naming rights to be a little barfie because it leads to dumb sounding shit like Guaranteed Rate Field, the 1-800-ASK-GARY Amphitheatre and the KFC Yum! Center that are embarrassing to type or say out loud and often rob buildings and towns of character, but I think I’m going to have an even bigger problem with this plan than just that should it go ahead.

If I have to hear this sponsorship garbage plastered all over every one of the spoken stop calling announcements I rely on to know where I am, I think I’d rather take my chances on the fares going up. As it is they sometimes don’t fire off with very much time to react, and that’s only going to get worse if I have to sit there and listen to it yammer about the Burger King Station brought to you in part by Molson Canadian and Coca Cola. Shit, I’ll be half way across town and hopelessly lost by the time that thing’s done talking, because you know that once that revenue starts flowing it’s only going to get worse. If you don’t believe me, read the description of Guaranteed Rate field up there.

From the CIBC Fan Deck to the Xfinity Kids Zone, to the Guaranteed Rate Club and The Goose Island, Guaranteed Rate Field has a lot to offer Chicago fans.

That’s a completely useless, garbage sentence. Imagine trying to use ones like it for navigational purposes. Just…no. In order for it to make any damn sense you’d almost have to start selling naming rights to the streets themselves…I’ve said too much. I’m sorry.

The Ford government loves to say that they’re open for business, and a new proposal for Toronto area transit shows it’s more than just a slogan.
The province, via Metrolinx, is getting set to seek business partners interested in purchasing naming rights for GO Train stations, in-train quiet zones, bathrooms, waiting areas and more.
“When the Premier talks about growing the government’s revenues without new taxes, this is the sort of thing he’s talking about,” said a government source with knowledge of the program.
Documents obtained by the Sun show the agency in charge of the regional commuter system is looking at selling off naming rights over five to 10 year periods.
These naming rights could include individual stations, parking lots and more according to the documents — “quiet zone, bathrooms, bike zones, waiting zones, etc.”
Naming rights would be available on five to 10 year terms and would vary according to whether the station was new or existing.
Brand new stations could have its entire name purchased outright — the Toronto SunGO Station, for example.
Existing stations would retain part of their existing names, such as the Toronto Sun Oakville Station.

The documents suggest Metrolinx estimates it could charge $50,000 to $500,000 per station per year, depending on ridership and other factors.
Beginning Aug. 1, Metrolinx will engage in a 60-day consultation period that will seek initial interest in five stations: Whitby, Pickering, Exhibition, Clarkson and Oakville.

Take The Eighth WebAIM Screen Reader User Survey

If screen reading technology is something that you use and is important to you, you know what to do.

The following survey is a follow-up to previous WebAIM Screen Reader User Surveys conducted December 2008, September 2009, December 2010, May 2012, January 2014, July 2015, and October 2017. This survey is primarily intended to collect new information and track updates/trends from previous surveys. By completing this survey you will help inform development choices for those creating accessible web content and web standards. All screen reader users, even those who use screen readers only for evaluation and testing, are invited to participate.
The survey will remain open through September 13, 2019.

There are 33 brief questions that will take approximately 10-15 minutes. The benefit in taking this survey is that your experiences and opinions could help the field better design for accessibility. The risk includes the time you will take away from your day.

Yep, That’s A Ford Supporter

At some point nearly every day, I am moved to ask myself how it is that any person who claims to care about another human being could vote for or support a guy like Doug Ford. It’s been over a year now and I’m still waiting for a good answer to that question. I’m starting to think that my answer isn’t coming though, because every time I hear from one of his supporters, it sounds a lot like this guy. Special treatment for taxpayers ended by Ford’s government

I do not think that I am the only one to have noticed that in every Cambridge Times that has come to our door recently there is a story from someone or comment from the editor complaining about the Ford government’s budget cuts or changes in the Province of Ontario.
But you never hear in the Times why there are these cuts and changes. How about $350 billion reasons.
That is the current debt that the Province of Ontario is carrying. That is three times the debt of the State of California, which has the population of all of Canada combined.

We are paying $1 billion a month to service the interest on that debt. That is $12 billion a year; that money could be going elsewhere for the people of Ontario. Yet we all hear the complainers about the cuts and changes that the children and the most vulnerable will be harmed, or that the education changes are a concern, like in Peter Emary’s recent letter to the editor.
For some reason it is all right to run a province or country with that kind of debt load? You would not run your household like that. If you did, you would find yourself and your loved ones on the street homeless. You don’t need a PhD to know that, just common sense.

Yes, the province has a debt. NO, that debt cannot go unmanaged forever. No, you cannot run your household as if it were a government. But your household also isn’t fully responsible for providing things like water and power and doctors and mobility and education to millions of households around it using infrastructure that it must ensure isn’t falling apart. Governments are, and those things cost money to do properly. Sometimes it’s money they don’t immediately have, so they have to borrow it. No, it’s not great that interest costs what it does, but it sure beats the alternative.

The only ones who are complaining are the ones who are responsible for that debt because they were catered to by the previous government and feel that they have a sense of entitlement and arrogance. That we all should pay more so that they can keep and have all that they want at the taxpayers’ expense. Not anymore. But I have a few suggestions on that one.
We do not have any children in the education system, so why am I paying an education tax? Mr. Emary, in his article, said he and his wife have three daughters, so shouldn’t they be paying three times more tax to put their children in school?
I will never take public transit or the LRT, so why should my regional tax dollars go to that? For those that think that they are entitled to more and special treatment, let them pay more.

Me, a person with a disability that does not allow him to own a car being able to use a bus or train as a means to move about and contribute to the economy, counts as special treatment? Ok. Good to know.

This seems like a fine time to ask my fellow human beings question again.

But if selfish is the name of the game, I’ll play.

Unless you’re going to die right now having never taken a bus, you don’t know that you’re never going to need one. Generally speaking, life goes on for a while, and a lot of unexpected things can happen as it does. Wouldn’t it be nice to know that if ever you couldn’t drive yourself, you could still count on someone else to do it for you?

And maybe you don’t have any kids in the schools right now, but your life is impacted by those schools every day. The guy who made your change at the store today is more than likely a product of our system. Wouldn’t it be nice if he knew how to count?

The I don’t use it now so I shouldn’t have to pay for it argument is completely ridiculous. If you doubt this, ask yourself how you would react to someone who said to you I’m not throwing up today, so I shouldn’t have to pay for healthcare. Unless you’re not in favour of having health coverage, that person just lost all credibility in your eyes.

The late prime minister of Britain, Margaret Thatcher, said, “Socialism is great until you run out of other people’s money.”
Not only are the taxpayers of Ontario out of money, they are out of patience with people who think that they are entitled to more and that others are expected to keep paying for them and stay silent.
That all stopped with a majority PC Ford government. For those that do not like it, move to China.
Sorry, I forgot, China does not like us because of Justin Trudeau and his government, even though Trudeau admires them. My bad.
John Neufeld
Cambridge

Aaaaaaand…we’re off the rails.

When your argument comes down to love it or leave it, you have no argument.

I sincerely hope you never need anyone’s help in this life, John. But if you do, I hope that those from whom you turn for that help are good enough not to treat you the way that you seem to think it’s ok to treat them. You would do well to look at all of the so-called waste you see around you as investments in our shared present and future, or if not that, as hands up for those who need them rather than hands out.

This Strange English Language

Got this in a joke email and it seemed like the perfect excuse to post an old Brian Regan bit I’ve always enjoyed. the timing is especially amusing to me because Carin just said something over the weekend about moosen in the woodsen.

We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Not that I want to ruin the silly little poem for anyone, but “shis” is awfully close to “shiss,” which is the word I’ve always used to describe the kind of diarrhea that hits the water sounding like a guy taking a leak.

You’re welcome.

Down Boy! All The Way! Down! Yes, The Whole Six Feet! Down!

Healthy dog euthanized for burial with owner, sparks debate

Debate? There’s debate to be sparked? Do me a favour. Read that again, but this time substitute the word “dog” for the word “child”. Then come back and explain to me why this is still ok.

Veterinarians and funeral homes in Virginia are rejecting the idea that pets should be buried with their owners after a recent case in which a healthy dog was euthanized so it could lie with her owner.
WWBT-TV in Richmond reports workers at one animal shelter tried to talk the executor of the estate out of the plan. They failed and the Shih Tzu mix named Emma was euthanized and cremated. The dog’s ashes were placed in an urn and given to the estate’s representative.
“We did suggest they could sign the dog over on numerous occasions, because it’s a dog we could easily find a home for and re-home,” said Carrie Jones, manager of Chesterfield Animal Services.

I Am My Choices, But Thankfully Not A Pancake


This fella here, who apparently nearly had his lunch eaten by an oncoming train about 30 seconds after this video was shot, turns out to be an elementary school principal here in town. That’s comforting.

The principal of an elementary school has apologized after a man stood on railway tracks to take cellphone photos of a crowded GO train platform in Kitchener — just as a train approached.
The man made it safely back to the platform, after alarming another passenger who recorded and tweeted the Thursday morning incident.
The provincial agency that operates the trains has ticketed the principal, charging him with crossing railway tracks illegally.

Paul Gladding, principal of St. John’s Catholic Elementary School in Kitchener, faces a fine of up to $5,000 if convicted.

Gladding has already apologized to Metrolinx and written a message on the school’s website

“The motto I have brought to St. John’s is ‘I am My Choices,'” he wrote. He didn’t elaborate on what that makes him, but I’m sure we all have a few ideas.

Authorities say that charges are pending against a second man, who I’m putting odds on being the superintendent.