Babies Are My Specialty

This is pretty good.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, ‘Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.’

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

‘Good morning, Ma’am,’ he said, ‘I’ve come to…’

‘Oh, no need to explain,’ Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, ‘I’ve been expecting you.’

‘Have you really?’ said the photographer. ‘Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?’

‘Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!’

After a moment she asked, blushing, ‘Well, where do we start?’

‘Leave everything to me.. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.’

‘Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!’

‘Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.’

‘My, that’s a lot!’ gasped Mrs. Smith.

‘Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be In and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.’

‘Don’t I know it,’ said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

‘This was done on the top of a bus,’ he said.

‘Oh, my God!’ Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

‘And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..’

‘She was difficult?’ asked Mrs. Smith.

‘Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.’

‘Four and five deep?’ said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

‘Yes,’ the photographer replied. ‘And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.’

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. ‘Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh…equipment?’

‘It’s true, Ma’am, yes. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.’


‘Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.’

Mrs. Smith fainted.

You’re Cut Off, Officer

Noel Smith must have had himself an evening. So much so that when it was time to head home and turn in, he forgot where home was.

Carol Carr was home with her teenage daughters on August 1 when the girls began screaming, saying that Smith walked into their bedroom and then walked out.
Smith allegedly walked into the back door, mistaking it for his own home.
After hearing her girls screaming, Carr came running and found the intruder inside her son’s bedroom. She said he appeared to be getting ready for bed.
“I kept telling him, ‘Don’t take your clothes off, don’t take your clothes off,’ and he was starting to take his pants off,” Carr said. “I said, ‘Don’t do that,’ and he said, ‘This is my house,’ and he starts going through the laundry, trying to find something to change into.”
Carr says he put on one of her son’s shirts. That’s when she tried physically confronting him.
“I tried to get him out of the house and he said, ‘This is my house.’ I said, ‘Sir, my house,’” says Carr.
She says she tried pulling him out of the room and then he shoved her up against a wall. She called 911.

When police arrived, they found Smith still in the bedroom, which he was still convinced was part of his own house. With tasers drawn and ready, they told him to show his hands and turn around. He did, at which point they recognized him as Deputy Noel Smith, who had been with the department for the last 15 years. To their credit, they did the right thing and arrested him anyway without an attempted cover-up followed by mountains of bad publicity. Nice to see that’s not always how things work.

Smith, who had at some point recycled some of whatever he’d been drinking on himself, was charged with public intoxication, battery and trespassing. He was still talking about this being his house as he was taken away, asking officers to not let these people go into his bedroom while he was gone.

Speaking of gone, Smith has since resigned from the force. He says he plans to spend more time with people who live a block away from his family.

Why Are Niqabs An Election Issue?

I have to ask, because I’d like a Conservative who honestly feels that this issue is one upon which our election should hinge and upon which the future of our entire country and indeed our very way of life hinges now to explain it to me in a way that makes sense. It seems important to them, so I want to understand. I want to understand because as it is, I just don’t get it. I don’t get how somebody’s choice of dress impacts whether or not I have money in my pocket, or a comfortable place to live, or food on my table, or clean water in my taps, or breathable air in my front yard, or safe roads for our cars and public transit or literally anything else that I need to be concerned about day to day. I don’t get how I am harmed by a religious custom that, while I don’t personally agree with it, doesn’t harm another living soul.

Somebody on the National the other night summed it up perfectly. I’ll paraphrase as best I can since I don’t remember exactly what he said.

To me, the niqab is regressive and creepy, but this is Canada. We have the right to dress regressive and creepy.

And rights are really what this is all about, when you get down to the meat of it. Specifically the removal of them from a certain set of people, which is something that, if Canada really is what I’ve always been told it is and have generally known it to be, none of us should stand for. Canadians are, as a rule, a kind people. A helpful people. A welcoming people. A respectful people. A people that usually understand a concept as simple as I don’t have to like everything about you to like you. This niqab garbage undermines all of that. It seeks to turn us into a racist, fearful lot that will sacrifice freedoms at the drop of a hat because our government says it should be so, especially if those freedoms belong to someone else and we don’t quite understand them. That’s not what Canada is or should be all about. Never has been, never will be.

Listen. I understand that some of you are going to vote for Stephen Harper no matter what because in your heart of hearts, you truly believe he’s doing a good job. I think you’re wrong, but that’s ok. Despite what he’s been telling you, differences are not things to be feared. But if you’re an undecided voter like me who isn’t loyal to any single party, I’m begging you, don’t let this be the issue that swings you Conservative. At best it’s a non-issue, but at worst it really might be one that our way of life does hinge upon, just not in the way Stephen Harper and his party would like you to think.

United Breaks Stomachs

A couple celebrating their anniversary got a lovely present to mark the occasion thanks to a United Airlines airplane cleaner who didn’t quite live up to his job description.

A couple on their anniversary trip to Hawaii said they found a full barf bag in a blanket in the seat-back pocket in front of them, reports CBS Sacramento, and naturally, they weren’t pleased to have to deal with someone’s bodily fluids.
The woman said when she handed the bag over to a United Airlines flight attendant, the contents spilled on both her and her husband’s clothes. Though the attendant offered them new seats, it was too late, she says — the smell was already on their clothes and they had to endure it for the rest of the flight.
“Smelling that smell on us and around us was just totally, totally disgusting,” she recalls.

After getting pretty well nowhere reporting their experience directly to United, they took their story to their local news’s consumer justice getter guy who scored them a $300 flight credit that they probably won’t use because, as the female victim quite reasonably states, “I’ve lost a lot of faith and trust with the airline.”

And lunch. Don’t forget lunch.

There She Is, Miss I Don’t Really Have Cancer

It’s been a while since we’ve posted one, but yes, people are still shaving their heads, pretending they have cancer and making good money doing it.

Police arrested Brandi Lee Weaver-Gates, 23, of Bellefonte on Tuesday, and charged her with theft by deception and receiving stolen property.  Investigators said Weaver-Gates took money from events that raised it on her behalf to help pay for her medical bills associated with her battle with cancer.

Weaver-Gates, who is a former Miss Pennsylvania U.S. International pageant winner, would tell people she was diagnosed with chronic lymphocytic leukemia, investigators and court documents said.

Trooper Thomas Stock, the state police investigator, said she didn’t have the disease, and called her efforts to make people believe she had it “an elaborate scheme.”  He said she would have relatives drive her to John Hopkins Medicine in Baltimore, tell them to wait in the lobby, and then go into another part of the hospital to return hours later to make it appear she got treatment.

Stock said she would tell people she was also a patient at Geisinger Medical Center and UPMC Medical Centers.  He said none of the facilities had her listed as a patient.

The most recent event held for her, Bingo for Brandi, netted her $14,000, according to police.

In addition to the charges she faces, she’s also become what I guess you’d call a former former Miss Pennsylvania, as she’s been stripped of her win by pageant organizers.

“We were also led to believe that she was dealing with this horrible disease and stood by her as she struggled being a beauty queen and a cancer patient,” the group said. “We at Butler’s Beauties believe that with a crown and sash you can accomplish many great things as a role model, spokesmodel and community leader as a beauty pageant queen. When you deceive the public and take people’s money that is under the pretense of fraud, we will not tolerate those actions.”
The statement added that she is no longer a representative of the Miss Pennsylvania U.S. International organization “and will be required to return her crown and sash upon her release from being detained.”

Think Out…Buffering…Buffering…Side The…Buffering…

Who goes into Taco Bell expecting to find WiFi? For that matter, who goes into Taco Bell expecting to find food? I can’t answer that second one, but the answer to the first is apparently Amber Henson, who decided that the flaky internet access at one of the chain’s establishments in Oklahoma was grounds for a good old fashioned lid flippin’.

We’re told Amber Henson recently became upset inside a Taco Bell, because their Wi-Fi wasn’t working.

Police say she chose to take out her anger on a couple of teenagers.  She’s accused of dumping water on a teenage boy inside the restaurant.

Things quickly escalated when that same boy and another teenager walked outside.  Henson was waiting for them and she had a knife. 

She allegedly told the teenagers, “If you want some of me, come on.”

Henson left the scene, without anybody getting stabbed.

She was tracked down with help from the public who identified her thanks to some photos police posted on Facebook. She and the knife found in her sock at the time of her arrest have been charged with assault with a dangerous weapon.

Attention Kmart Shoppers. Check Out Our Current Brown Light Special

Why you would not only feel compelled to piss and shit in a box of security tags behind the counter at Kmart but then actually go ahead and do it is a mystery for somebody else to unravel, but what I would like to know is why, once you have determined that the above must take place, you would pick a Kmart where you shop regularly and then leave your name with the people at the customer service desk because you went in to return something?

Melissa Jacobson, 49, was busted Monday night after she allegedly slipped behind a cash register at the Racine business and urinated and
defecated in a box full of store security tags.
At the time of her arrest, Jacobson was wearing a shirt with a picture of a dump truck and the phrase “Dropping A Load,” a cop noted.
Alerted by a “funky” odor, an unfortunate Kmart employee discovered the soiled cardboard box, which was leaking urine, according to a misdemeanor criminal complaint filed yesterday against Jacobson.

If I wasn’t going to post this before (I think I was), that shirt put it over the top. Where would one even obtain such a garment and more importantly, why? Well, unless it’s her official I’m gonna go shit in a box outfit. that seems logical.

Jacobson, who was at least nice enough to clean herself up afterwards with some paper towels she found underneath the counter, was charged with disorderly conduct and two counts of resisting or obstructing an officer.

Her Plan Was A Little Buggy

Some people have jewel theft down to a science. Quashanda J. Wolfe is not one of them.

Records at the Kingsport Police Department state the incident occurred at approximately 11:20 Thursday morning. A loss prevention officer at the East Stone Drive store allegedly observed a female with wire cutters in the jewelry section.The suspect, later identified as Quashanda J. Wolfe, 34, reportedly cut a security cable that was attached to a counter top display case. A police report says it contained 37 separate pairs of earrings, valued at $249.99 a piece.Wolfe then loaded the approximately three feet tall glass container into her buggy, according to loss prevention, and proceeded to wheel it out the front doors.

She didn’t get far before being stopped by loss prevention, which is good news if your job is loss prevention. She was charged with vandalism and theft over $1,000.

Next Time I Won’t Wear Pants, Officer

I think this might be one of the more straightforward, honest explanations for rubbing one or two or three out in your local Walmart I’ve seen.

A Walmart worker told cops that a female customer reported that Bryant was acting “weird” in the men’s department. When the employee went to investigate, she noticed that Bryant “had his penis out of his pants and was rubbing it.” The worker added that Bryant would cover himself when someone moved toward him in the aisle, but would resume “the activity when he thought no one was watching him.”
Two other Walmart workers told police that they also witnessed Bryant pleasuring himself. One worker said that she “peaked through a jeans shelf and noticed him pull out his penis and begin to stroke it.”

Police, who were not fooled by the jacket he placed in front of himself as they approached, arrested and charged Jeremy Percival Bryant with indecent exposure. During questioning, he told officers that the reason he did what he did is that he “has a problem with sticking his hands in his pants.”


You Say Potato, I Say Fire Alarm Worthy Toilet Emergency

Nope, I’ve got nothin’. Man Clogs Toilet With Potatoes, Pulls Fire Alarm to Get Help Quicker

The man, who has not yet been identified, pulled the alarm at 7:48 a.m. Sunday at the Oakwood Apartments along the 8700 block of West Chester Pike in Upper Darby, police tell NBC10.
According to authorities, for an unknown reason, the man shoved potatoes down the toilet causing it to clog. He called the apartment building’s maintenance department several times for help, but they didn’t immediately respond. So he tried to get their attention by pulling the fire alarm, police said.

He got their attention, alright. And now he’s also being charged for falsely pulling the alarm. No mention was made of charges relating to that whole deal with the toiletatoes, whatever that’s all about.