Department Of Masturbating Vigorously

And now, your semi-regular reminder to stay off the drugs.

Responding to 911 calls about a pair of “white males running around the lot taking off their clothes,” Warren City Police Department cops Friday morning encountered Timothy Cook, 32, who reportedly had been “growling and punching the cement.”
Cook, a witness told officers, had entered a state motor vehicles office and began waving his arms around. He then exited the building and “began masturbating on the sidewalk,” according to a police report.
When a cop subsequently approached Cook, the suspect was sweating profusely and “acting like a gorilla.” Cook, an officer noted, was “squatting on all fours, punching the blacktop and jumping up and down screaming noncoherently.”

Shockingly, they were able to both detain and get him into an ambulance without incident. He was treated for an overdose, but what he may have been on wasn’t noted so all we know is that we don’t want any, thanks. He’s since been charged with one count of disorderly conduct while intoxicated. Yes, that’s all.

The man with him was identified as Osmond LeMasters, which is a funny last name if you’ve been paying attention. He too was charged with a single count of disorderly conduct while intoxicated, but didn’t appear to need any sort of medical treatment.

Sure Did

The incident happened at about 11:36 p.m. Saturday on County Road 466 near County Road 105, the report said.
The deputy was driving east on the highway when he saw a man, later identified as Justin Carl Walker, of Oxford, standing on the shoulder.
“As I and another vehicle came closer to the subject, the subject quickly darted across four lanes of traffic with his shorts partially down,” the deputy said. “(Walker” stopped in the roadway and looked at both myself and the other vehicle where I observed his (genitals) to be fully exposed and his shorts to be partially dropped.”
The deputy activated his emergency lights and started chasing the man on foot as he quickly walked away, the report said.
When the deputy caught up to Walker, his genitals were still in full view, the report said.
“I asked the defendant why his pants were down,” the deputy said. “The defendant looked down at his crotch and shrugged his shoulders, saying, ‘I guess I did something stupid.’”

The report goes on to note that all the while, Walker didn’t bother to put the boys away, at one point even lifting his shirt to show off more of himself when asked to pull up his pants.

He was charged with one count of indecent exposure and one count of resisting arrest without violence.

Who’s Goin’ Dumbass Huntin’? Cops Is Goin’ Dumbass Huntin’!

In case the title makes no sense to you…

The festival in question is the Gathering of the Juggalos, so the ICP reference seemed appropriate.

In some ways, I’m sure selling drugs at a music festival is harder than it sounds. It’s loud, for a start. A lot of attendees are paying you no mind because they’re just there for the music, for some reason. And there’s almost certainly going to be market competition. If you want to make any sort of decent money, you’re going to have to find a way to stand out. And even then you don’t want to stand out too much, because there’s going to be cops and security guards everywhere.

“But Steve, how do I know if I’m standing out too much?”

Easy. If you’re doing anything that these guys did, you’ve gone too far.

Four people were charged Monday with offenses, including Malik H. Ahmad, 38, and his girlfriend, Jessica Reyes, 20, both of Wisconsin. Both were arrested Friday after an undercover Licking County Sheriff’s Office deputy observed Ahmad “speaking on a loud speaker advertising cocaine for sale,” according to court records.
The deputy reported observing multiple sales of cocaine and asked uniformed deputies to arrest Ahmad and seize a white bag that appeared to be being used to store the drugs before they were sold.
When deputies arrived, Ahmad reportedly handed the bag off to Reyes, who fled the area. Deputies had to use a stun gun to subdue Ahmad as he continued to resist arrest, according to court documents.
Reyes was tracked down by deputies and also arrested. The white bag was found to contain about 100 grams of cocaine, as well as a large amount of heroin, a large amount of money and drug paraphernalia.

Also on Saturday, deputies arrested 31-year-old Columbus resident Kimmy V. Gable after he was reportedly spotted with a cardboard sign advertising cocaine, marijuana, ketamine and beer.

An undercover officer observed Gable sell substances from a green backpack to concertgoers, according to court records.
The backpack was found to contain about 25 grams of cocaine, some of which was packaged for sale; a crystalline substance; marijuana; and drug paraphernalia, court records said.

Someone May Be Going To Jail, But I Doubt It’s The Kid. Not Yet, At Least

It’s been a while, but another person has landed in some trouble for gettin’ their Roger Stephens on. This time it’s 71-year-old Beverly Ann Hardy, who now faces a felony charge of assault on a minor thanks to some unruly punk.

According to court records, Darla Edwards called police shortly before 11 a.m. to report that an elderly woman she did not know approached her 4-year-old foster son, slapped him across the face and then yelled at him that he would be going to jail.
The woman then yelled at Edwards to “get control of the child” and continued to yell at her as she got into her car.
Edwards said her foster son was acting “like a 4-year-old boy” and was jumping and running around in the parking lot.

It’s probably just the way the story is written, but if it’s not it’s kind of interesting that when questioned, Hardy seems to be admitting to belting the little fucker at least one more time than his mom said she did.

When officers arrived at Hardy’s residence and approached to speak with her she reportedly said, “I bet you’re looking for me.”
When asked what had happened at the restaurant, Hardy said she was leaving the restaurant and saw the child running in the parking lot.
“She said (the boy) was unattended and she felt the need to discipline the child,” court records state. “She pulled him out of traffic, swatted him on the behind and on the cheek.”
When confronted by a woman in the parking lot, Hardy said she told her the boy may be going to prison by age 10 if he was not better controlled.
Hardy told the officer she did not feel like what she did was wrong.

A completely understandable view to take when faced with an irritating 4-year-old, but even so, you probably shouldn’t do that. Probably.

Refrain, Immediate Poster!

This piece about grieving and social media was going around Facebook, so I read it, since I’m still learning a lot of Facebook do’s and don’ts. But what I found here felt like shockingly common sense. All it said was unless you’re the immediate family of a recently-deceased person, don’t post on social media about their passing, especially right after the person has died. At least let the family have a chance to breathe, for crap’s sake! Once they have posted, then offer your sympathy. But don’t post a quick “RIP” message on the dead person’s wall, then causing a deluge of questions to befall the poor, grieving family.

I stared at this, in disbelief. How do people not know this? Never, when I was growing up, did I feel the need to call the immediate family of someone who had died before the body was even cold to tell them I heard the news and I was sorry. I gave them some friggin time! But then I had to remind myself that we didn’t have Facebook, Twitter and all the things. Nothing was as instant as it is now.

It’s moments like this when I really feel like I’m old, and that change sneaked up on me and I didn’t even see it coming.

Red Cross: I’m Seeing Red, and Getting Cross

I had something happen to me last week that I thought I should blog in case it happens to someone else. I guess I’d call it a reverse scam warning.

Back when the whole Fort McMurray fires disaster happened, I texted “fires” to the red cross number advertised so I could donate. I didn’t really think much more about the donation, was just glad I could help.

Then, last week, I got a call from an unknown number. I was in the middle of a back and forth exchange with Uber Support, so I thought maybe they were using a different number, so I picked up. That was my first mistake.

The person on the other end of the phone was not from Uber. He was a very British fellow. He said that he was from something called Listen in London, and he was calling me because I had given to the Red Cross Alberta fires appeal. I said yes, in fact I had. At this point, he asked me for my name. Then he told me the call was being recorded, thanked me for my donation, telling me all the things the Red Cross had been able to buy with the donations received. I thought that was nice.

Then, because of course there is a then, he asked if I wanted to give more, either in a one-time donation or on a monthly basis. This was when all the red flags went up. I know better than to give to people who call me. I said I wasn’t keen on giving over the phone for myriad reasons, and is there a dedicated page where I can go online and give? He did not want to give me any of that, claiming that it was less overhead if I gave right now over the phone. Really? A dude calling overseas soliciting donations is less overhead than me just going to a website? He also said that *after* I agreed to give, he would give me a phone number where I could call and confirm all of this. After? Really?

This is where sensible me should have exercised my powers of the hangup button. But I was not sensible me. I objected a few more times, but he managed to convince me to give in. I thought since this call was being recorded, I would be transferred to a verification department, at which point I might be able to get out of this. But oh no, he asked for my credit card number.

I was in shock. This dude who was recording my phone call was going to take down my credit card number? I don’t think so. It was then that he said that he wasn’t recording at this point. And against all of my better judgment, I went ahead and gave. This was immediately followed up by me yelling at myself for being so goddamn stupid.

True to his word, he gave me a phone number that did go to the Red Cross. But this was where things got cute. I called that number, and asked the guy who picked up if the Red Cross was using a firm from the UK to call people who already donated to the Alberta fires appeal. His response was “How do I know? I’m not aware of all of the Red Cross’s outbound call centres. And why on earth would a guy from the UK be calling on behalf of the Red Cross?” This was not what I wanted to hear from the number given to me to confirm the authenticity of this British dude. I tried to explain, but he got more and more upset with me, so I let him go.

Now I was convinced I had been scammed, so I called my credit card company and put a block on the card. I also messaged someone I know who works for Red Cross. She had also never heard of this, and agreed with me that this sounded like the scammiest scam that ever scammed. She started asking around, but said it would take a while.

Because I couldn’t leave well enough alone, I called back, and tried another extension, and thankfully got a more knowledgeable fellow that did confirm that the British guy was calling on their behalf. He also confirmed that my name went into the database. That made me feel miles better.

Also, my friend rattled the right cages, and a nice woman was able to listen to both my British fellow’s call, and the first agent I contacted when I called Red Cross. She totally understood why I thought I had been scammed. She explained that the first agent I got was one of their overflow pool, who just sort of steps in to take calls when all their in-house people were busy, so he really wasn’t super knowledgeable about all this stuff. The second guy I got was one of their dedicated team, and that’s why he understood.

I think this experience was a warning shot for me. I was lucky and I did end up not being taken for a ride. But it could have easily ended badly. Hopefully, next time, I won’t be such a pushover. Sadly, I know all these things, but I still let him persuade me to go against my gut.

But at least the Red Cross was very good and got back to me pretty quickly, apologizing for the missteps and explaining how they happened. That made me feel infinitely better.

So, if this happens to you, it’s probably not a scam. Always check after getting a suspicious call, but the Red Cross is in fact calling people back who have texted “fires” to help out the folks in Alberta. But I wish I didn’t have to go through all kinds of rigmarole to confirm that I haven’t been scammed. That shouldn’t be the way things work. Here are my suggestions:
The telemarketer should know my name. If he doesn’t, I already start doubting the legitimacy. Also, inform as many people in your organization as humanly possible that such a blitzis going on. It’s never good when I call the number that’s supposed to confirm that everything is on the up and up, only to be met with a response filled with utter confusion.

I like giving to the Red Cross…I could have done without all the surrounding drama. Hopefully others haven’t gone through the same.

Pass The Rum Balls, It’s Time To Get Hammered


I know that the point of this video is supposed to be that it’s technically possible to get yourself legally drunk by doing nothing but eating food with alcohol on the ingredients list, but what I take from it is either that this fella is a serious lightweight (he did say he was feeling it a bit at the end which is something I don’t think I’ve heard a person over the age of 12 say), that breathalyzers are rubbish (not entirely out of the question), or, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, that some of these legal limits might be a little too low. But in any case, it does cast some doubt on the belief that most of the booze you put in disappears during the cooking process, which is what I always thought happened.

Oh Baby, You’re The Grill Of My Dreams

Whether Michael Henson was having a really really good Tuesday or a really really bad Tuesday is a matter we could probably debate all day long, and which side of the argument you fall on is going to depend on how you feel about several things. The copious ingestion of substances, the amount of fun one can derive from swinging on stop signs, how liberating you find walking around in nothing but gym shorts, how much you enjoy camping or whether passing out in some guy’s yard even counts as such and how cute you would find the man van babies that might be coming to Ohio in the next nine months or so. It would be nine months, wouldn’t it? Somebody check on the gestation period of automobiles and get back to me.

Police responded to a report that a man with his pants down was swinging from a stop sign on Tuesday evening, WDTN-TV reported. 
When officers arrived, they found Michael Henson, who appeared to be intoxicated, walking around wearing only gym shorts and shoes.
A woman who called police told officers she saw Henson standing near a parked van. She said Henson pulled his shorts down and placed his genitals in the front grill of the van, WDTN reports.

The witness said Henson continued his actions with the van for a while before he passed out in a nearby yard.

Oh, and if you’re calling this one for the good time brigade, you’re going to have to see public indecency charges as a positive outcome, because Henson earned himself one of those by the end of the night.

Thanks for the link, Michelle. I don’t always remember to credit people for these things, so I’ll bet you’re proud as punch to have your name attached to this one.

Gee Guys, What Do You Want To Do Tonight? The Same Thing We Do Every Night, Walk Naked In The Parking Lot

But for one detail, this would be little more than your standard ambling exhibitionist news item.

The strange call came in to police just before 10 p.m. last night. The caller reported seeing a naked man strolling in a parking lot near Milner Avenue and Morningside Avenue,  police say.

However, before police could arrive, the man got into a van with more naked men and left according to a Toronto Police Operations tweet.

Yes, there was a troop of them. What could they have been doing, I wonder. Were they just trying to get noticed? Were they playing truth or dare? Did one of them lose his wallet? It’s not as though he had anyplace to put it, so that’s as likely as anything else.

Unfortunately, we may never know. The person who called them in didn’t manage to get their license plate number and it seems police were unable to track them down.

Welcome to the newest great mystery of our time, ladies and gentleman…clothed or otherwise.

The Size Of An Infant

It’s been a while since I’ve put up a joke, so since this one just hit the inbox, I don’t seem to have posted it before and I used to like telling it when I was a kid, let’s go with it.

Being a very traditional couple, Jim and Sandy have saved themselves for marriage. After dating for some time and deciding they are truly in love, Jim finally proposes to her.

But before she accepts, Sandy tells Jim that she has a confession to make. She has been stuffing her bra for years, she says, because her breasts are about the size of a 12-year-olds.

“That’s ok,” Jim says. “It doesn’t matter because I love you so much. Besides,” he continues, “I have a problem of my own. My penis is the same size as an infant, but I hope you could deal with that once we are married.”

“Of course,” she says. “I love you, I will marry you and I will learn to live with your infant penis.”

So Sandy and Jim get married.

After the ceremony, they could hardly wait. So as soon as he could, Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite where they started touching and teasing one another.

As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she suddenly stopped, began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim, hot on her heels, asked what was wrong.

“You told me your penis is the size of an infant,” she yelled!

“It is,” explains Jim reassuringly. “7 pounds, 8 ounces!”