Private Memorial $5.99, Public Memorial $7.99!

I don’t remember the last time I saw a K-Tel commercial on TV, but back in the day they used to be every damn where selling every damn thing. Kitchen gadgets,


compilation albums with names like Explosive Hits, Hit Machine and Goofy Greats (I think I still possess a cassette copy of that one to this day),



mood rings

and lord knows what else. It was even the company that helped bring the world the Mini Pops.

Company founder Phil Kives died this week at age 87, and I felt it needed a mention since without him and his ads, TV advertising could easily be a lot different today. If he wasn’t the originator of the as seen on TV style commercial, he was certainly pretty close to it. So depending on your perspective, you either have him to thank or blame for all the Ronco, Time Life and Billy Mays type infomercials we have now.

The world of comedy owes him a huge debt of gratitude as well. If you’ve ever seen a sketch troop do a fake commercial, odds are good it borrowed heavily from the format of every video up above.

Yet again I’m having that problem where I’m not sure how to end something, so I guess I’ll just say thanks for all the cheap music you gave us, and for the decades of laughs, whether or not they were intentional. Seriously, mood rings?

Goodbye Philippines, And Everywhere Else, Too

There’s drunk, there’s really drunk, and then, apparently, there’s let’s hug this enormous New Year’s Eve firecracker as it’s about to go off drunk.

A drunk man died after he embraced a giant firecracker called Goodbye Philippines as it was about to explode, health secretary Janet Garin told reporters.
“His jaw was shattered. He was so intoxicated he hugged the Goodbye Philippines,” Ms Garin said, adding the man was pronounced dead at the hospital.

This was just one of many incidents during the annual New Year’s celebrations in the Philippines, which I’m learning are quite the event. According to superstition, it’s necessary to make very loud noises in order to ward off bad luck. So to accomplish this there is much fireworks and random gunfire, so it’s not hard to figure out how things like this happen.

The health department listed 380 injuries due to fireworks and four others due to stray bullets.
In many hospitals across the country, firecracker victims rushed into emergency rooms grimacing in pain as they held their bloodied limbs.
An eight-year-old boy in the northern farming province of Nueva Vizcaya had three of his fingers amputated after a firecracker exploded in his hands, Ms Garin said.
At least nine children had their fingers amputated due to firecracker injuries, she said.

And most of them still probably got off easier than the 3000 plus people who were left homeless after a fireworks accident burned their shanty town to the ground.

All of which leads to the obvious question. Is it time to find a new, less fatality prone superstition or should they try to make more noise next year?

Did He Think The Cop Would Think He Was The Pharmacist?

When you absolutely have to get to Walmart at 3:30 in the morning and the clothes you’re wearing and bags you’re carrying contain any or all of the following:

  • two suboxone strips
  • 0.5 grams of methamphetamine
  • 6.4 grams of marijuana
  • 0.7 grams of unidentified crystals
  • 5 baggies containing 5.2 grams of black tar heroin
  • a ball of black tar heroin weighing 13.2 grams
  • 18 needles
  • a cooking spoon
  • two marijuana smoking pipes
  • one meth smoking pipe
  • a grinder
  • a large quantity of plastic baggies commonly used for packaging small amounts of narcotics

walk. Bike. Take a bus if they’re still running. Do anything but ask a police officer for a ride.

A deputy was refueling his patrol car at the Shell station at the intersection of U.S. 72 and Interstate 65 at about 3:30 a.m. that morning. He reported that when he went inside, the clerk asked if he could give someone a ride to Wal-Mart.
This man was identified as Alex Wiley Smith, 38, of Pounding Mill, Virginia.
The deputy agreed to a courtesy transport but said he needed to check his identification first. The driver’s license came back as cancelled.

At that point the officer said he would have to conduct a search of Smith and his property before he could allow him into the police car. Smith agreed, and now here we are.

Smith, who was being held until somebody posted a $57,500 bond at the time this was written, was charged with first-degree possession of marijuana, possession of a controlled substance and drug trafficking.

Blink-182 Have A New Song. It’s Called Bored To Death And It Isn’t Bad

I used to really like Blink-182 when I was younger. I wouldn’t say I hate them now, but it’s been a long ass time since I’ve paid them any mind. If memory serves, that started around the time they put out that I Miss You song. It irrationally annoyed me whenever he’d say the word head like “yed” and I just couldn’t get over it, so that was the end of us for a while.

But now they’re back…ish, and I think I might like their new song. I say ish because they’re a man down (make that a Man Overboard) since Tom DeLonge is off making his own music and seemingly auditioning for a guest spot on Coast to Coast AM.

The new voice you hear is Matt Skiba from the band Alkaline Trio, who are also good.

The new Blink album, California, is set to come out on July 1st. I plan on checking it out, especially now that services like Spotify make taking chances on new music you may not be sure about into much less of a risk.

Spotify Premium is worth every penny, by the way. Carin and I get our subscriptions as part of our Rogers cell phone plans, but I’d almost certainly pay for it myself if that ever stops. I highly recommend you try it out if you’re one who tends to listen to a good bit of music. It’s so handy that now and then I think about trading in my CD collection to save space, even though that’s likely not the best idea what with the future of digital services always being uncertain and whatnot.

I’m Sorry Dave, I Didn’t Quite Get That

This is so dumb, but I’ve watched it three times and still laughed, so…

Somehow I’m simultaneously surprised that someone did this and that it took this long, because obviously it was only going to be a matter of time before someone did this. Don’t ask me to explain that. Just watch the video again.

More Wrestling On Fight Network. CMLL Is Coming In May

I’m not sure what’s behind the Fight Network adding all this wrestling lately, but I certainly approve. It’ll be nice to have some AAA and CMLL available around here. It’ll hopefully make it easier to follow what’s going on in Mexico.

Fight Network to Debut Weekly CMLL Wrestling Series on Cinco de Mayo
Toronto – Fight Network, the world’s premier 24/7 multi-platform channel dedicated to complete coverage of combat sports, announced today a multi-year deal with Mexico-based CMLL Wrestling for a weekly series to air on Thursday nights across Canada.
CMLL Wrestling premieres on Cinco de Mayo, Thursday, May 5, 2016 at 9 p.m. ET. The weekly episodic program will debut in the same timeslot every week.
Founded in 1933, the Mexico City-based promotion is characterized by ‘Enmascarados’ who fling themselves from the top ropes and dart about the ring in colourful masks. Lucha libre emphasizes action over dialogue, providing rapid sequences of holds and manouevres, feats of ‘derring-do’ and the level of athleticism required to be a ‘luchador.’ CMLL helped launch the global cruiserweight division, spawning the careers of some of Mexico’s greatest stars. The weekly show features Atlantis, Ultimo Guerrero, Rush, Mascara Dorada and many more. 
“The demand for a weekly CMLL Wrestling series in Canada speaks volumes about the dedicated professional wrestling fan base across the country,” said Chad Midgley, VP of Fight Network. “The product is consistent with the high quality viewers have come to expect from Fight Network, and what better day to launch the series than Cinco de Mayo, a celebration rooted in Mexican tradition.”
For more, visit www.fightnetwork.com or follow us on Twitter @fightnet, become a fan on Facebook and visit us on Instagram @fightnet.

Help Fund Dictation Bridge And Bring Affordable Voice Recognition Technology To Screenreaders

Back in February, Carin mentioned the great potential of Dictation Bridge, a software package that, if developed, would provide voice recognition functionality to a range of screenreaders at no cost.

At the time she wrote that post it was still a shell of an idea at least in the promotional sense, and it turned out the reason she couldn’t figure out how to “send them some dough” was that in spite of what was stated in the audio promo, there was no place to send it. Well, now there is, in the form of an Indiegogo campaign.

At the time I’m writing this they’re up to $750 of their $20000 goal, so they’ve got a ways to go. Fortunately they still have two months to get there, so I like their odds. As I said under Carin’s post, I’d have killed for something like this back in the 90s when my arm was broken and I needed surgery, because it sure would have beaten the hell out of having to type and Braille one-handed on devices that weren’t designed for that. And that’s just me, who would have benefited for a few months. ?Think of the doors this could open for people who need to rely on dictation all the time. If you have a few extra bucks kicking around, consider throwing some of them this way. You’ll quite literally be helping to make the world a lot easier for many more people.

Cop Light Bling

I suppose that in order for the universe to maintain its balance, that for every Lock it or Lose it there must be a Cop Light Bling.

Yes, this really is the Nova Scotia RCMP parodying Hotline Bling (also a terrible song) in the name of road safety.

Nova Scotia RCMP’s music video, ‘Cop Light Bling’, promotes awareness of Nova Scotia’s ‘Move Over’ law.

The goal of the video is to highlight Nova Scotia’s An Act to Increase Safety for First Responders and Others, commonly known as the ‘Move Over’ law.

After coming into effect on May 1, 2010, the law makes it an offence to drive faster than 60 km/h or the posted speed limit (whichever is the lesser of the two) when passing a stopped emergency vehicle with its lights flashing. Motorists also must change to the lane farthest from the stopped emergency vehicle, if that lane is free and it is safe to do so.

Thank you for slowing down and moving over!

While I mostly agree with Alan Cross when he says that “the RCMP just killed “Hotline Bling”” and it’s “time to call the SIU,” they do get points for including one of those blow by blow descriptions of the action with the video for the benefit of deaf and blind people. I’ll paste it below in case anyone’s interested.

“Royal Canadian Mounted Police in Nova Scotia presents” is shown on-screen.

“COP LIGHT BLING” appears on-screen.

You sped right past my…

Music plays and a police officer dances.

You, you, you, you…Yeah!

You just sped right past my cruiser.

A car speeds past the police officer, nearly hitting him.

You nearly hit my leg.

The police officer points to his leg.

You sped past my cruiser.

Shoulda changed your lane.

Police officers point in the same direction.

Cause you know when these cop lights BLING,

Police officers point to the cruiser’s flashing lights.

That can only mean one thing.

Police officers dance around a parked cruiser.

You know when these cop lights BLING,

Police officers point to the cruiser’s flashing lights.

That can only mean one thing.

Police officers dance around a parked cruiser.

Ever since May 2010, you…

The police officer points to a 2010 calendar.

Can get fined if you don’t slow down,

Police officers dance in the background.

When police stop on the road, now…

This legislation ain’t nouveau, now…

Police officer sits in the driver’s side of the cruiser, singing. Three other police officers sit in the backseat, dancing.

And ever since May 2010, you…

The police officer points to a Summary Offence Ticket booklet.

Can be fined if you don’t move,

To the lane farthest from red and blue,

If it’s safe for you to do.

Police officers dance in the background.

Please don’t speed right past my cruiser.

Move to the other lane.

Don’t speed past my cruiser.

Please let me explain…

Don’t speed right past my cruiser.

A police officer dances up to the motorist’s vehicle.

Don’t be hasty.

The police officer hands the motorist a ticket.

Don’t speed past my cruiser.

Please respect road safety.

Hey everyone!

The police officer speaks into a studio microphone.

Slow down to 60 or the posted speed limit, whichever is lower.

And move over to the other lane.

Keep everyone safe.

Yeah!

Five police officers dance with the two motorists who were pulled over earlier.

Credits are shown on-screen along with video clips for each individual.

RCMP Cst. Tony Roache, background dancer 1

RCMP Cpl. Jennifer Clarke, background dancer 2

RCMP Sgt. Leanne MacDonald, background dancer 3

RCMP Cpl. Scott MacRae, background dancer 4

RCMP Financial Analyst, Tom Tanner, driver 1

RCMP Administrative Assistant, Andrew Henneberry, driver 2

RCMP Cst. Mark Skinner, lead actor and vocalist

“Thank you for slowing down and moving over” appears on-screen.

Corporate signature of the RCMP appears on-screen.

Canada wordmark appears on-screen.

It’s So Nice To Be Out, Just The Two Of Us. What’s That Honey? I Was Pretending I Was Somewhere Better

As I sit here, thinking yet again that maybe I’m just getting old, it strikes me that while I know many types of people from many different age groups, I have yet to meet a single one who either finds or would admit to finding that a nice dinner out with friends or a loved one isn’t fulfilling enough and would be greatly improved by everyone wearing virtual reality gear on their heads like a bunch of goddamned idiots. Seriously, if I ever meet a person who willingly pays to do something like this for any reason other than it’s his job to test this crap, it’s going to be very hard not to hit him until his stupid goggles fly off and take his head with them. Eat your food and talk to your friends like a properly adjusted human being, you fucking dick.

You dine on the first course of the meal in a garden in Tuscany, surrounded by flowers with a winery in the distance. You adjust your Samsung Gear VR glasses as a cool wind blows and you catch the rich fragrance of the gardens. But when your main course arrives, you now find yourself underwater with dolphins playing and fish swimming. Your Italian table setting has been transformed into an underwater experience and the light in the room has changed to reflect the underwater scene. You can even see bubbles arising from your drinks and water splashes on the table in 3D.
Now imagine that all of this occurred without leaving the Ibiza hotel, or the seat you were in. The magic you see, hear, taste, smell and feel comes from virtual reality technology. By using Samsung Gear VR, restaurants can take the already sensory experience of dining to a new level. While there is a wow factor to using this cutting-edge technology, the impact of virtual reality is a natural fit for restaurants that want to create a complete experience around a meal, not just serve a plate of food.

At best this is a gimmicky way for bad restaurants to cover up worse food, but let’s call it what it is. It’s a terrible idea. One we should, now that we’ve had our moment with it, kill with indifference. And fire. Yes, kill it with fire.

TapTapPee

Maybe life has passed me bye. That could be. I am, after all, closer to 40 than I am to 30. But rather than slowly come to terms with my advancing age as I mutter about these damn kids today with their widgets and bobbles, I’d rather think that no matter your age, you, like me, will wonder who in the hell this Pee & See app is supposed to be for. Seriously, it’s right up there with all those things that periodically remind you to move.

Pee & See is a simple hydration reminder app based on pee logging. It doesn’t need to know when you drink water or how much you drink.

Instead, just tap one button every time you go to the bathroom!

When you haven’t peed for 3 hours you’ll get a reminder to drink water (except at night).

There are many ways to easily log pees with Pee & See:
• Open the app and tap the big Log Pee button
• Open your Notification Center and use the Today Widget
• Tap one of the actions on a Notification (great for Apple Watch)
• Log from the app icon on devices that support 3D Touch

Adjust the Quiet Hours in the app to avoid notifications when you’re asleep.

And, see where you stack up on the Leaderboard. Don’t break that streak!

Pee & See does not provide medical advice, and the app is not intended to diagnose or treat any medical conditions. It’s just a fun way to remember to drink more water!

Because somewhere out there, there is a person who has never felt the sensation of thirst, repeatedly fallen into medical distress because of it and said to himself “dammit, if only I’d put “hydrate self” into my calendar today none of this would be happening.”

And it has a leaderboard! I don’t even…and look, it’s even new and improved in the latest update.

• Improved the Leaderboard to show all the active urinators instead of just the top 100 (and I added pull-to-refresh, in case you want something more to do in the app when you’re bored in between pees)

I’m not going to ask who begged for that feature, because I think it’s a question that pretty much answers itself. I’m not even going to make a pull to refresh joke. I will, however, make a friendly suggestion. Your app is designed specifically to promote the intake of and monitor the expulsion of liquid. How did you not call it a litreboard? Come on, that’s gold.

I don’t know how to end this. Maybe I’ll contemplate it as I pour a big glass of water. Yeah, now that I’m so worked up that I’m practically sweating that seems like a good idea.