Don’t Park There, But Don’t Move, Either

Hopefully there was more to Jorge Jove’s motivations and subsequent actions than he didn’t appreciate those damn trucks parked near his house, because if that’s all it is he sure picked a poor way to make them leave.

Jorge Jove didn’t like the AT&T work trucks in front of his Hialeah home Wednesday morning. So, he retrieved his revolver and began shooting out the tires and the engine, police said.
Though Jove began firing to kill only a vehicle, a Hialeah sergeant says he saw Jove fire at an AT&T worker in a raised bucket lift. Hialeah police arrested on a charge of aggravated assault with a firearm and criminal mischief. He posted $30,000 bond. Police seized the handgun from Jove, who doesn’t have a concealed weapons permit, according to the arrest affidavit.

Thankfully nobody was injured by any of the estimated 18 shots that were fired.

And just to make things a little more confusing, Jove, who admitted to police that he went “bananas,” said that though he didn’t want the trucks there in the first place because he feared they would damage his pavers, he also didn’t want them to leave before the police arrived.

Whatever you say, dude. He seems like the sort of fella I’d think twice before asking for a piece of grilled cheese sandwich from, if you know what I’m sayin’.

Chop, Steele, Cook, Get Sued


Unless this is a case of me not doing my damn job, the geniuses who brought you Chop and Steele and Chef Keith really are being sued by Gray Television, essentially because they were made to look bad when one of their television stations didn’t do *its* damn job. Help them out if you can. Nothing they did here is against the law, and we really do deserve better from our media. Yes, even the shitty ass morning show part of it.

Hi, we’re Joe and Nick from the Found Footage Festival and we need your help.  Last November and again in January, we appeared on local morning news shows as a strongman duo called Chop & Steele . We lifted cinder blocks, chopped sticks in half with our bare hands, and crushed baskets with our feet. And in March, we posted short snippets from some of these segments online, hoping to entertain and make a point about how easy it is to get on certain news programs who aren’t doing basic fact checking. Then on April 13th, we found out in the New York Post that the parent company of one of the news stations, Gray Television, had filed a lawsuit against us in federal court, claiming copyright infringement, fraud, and conspiracy.

These claims are totally baseless and we’ve secured a great lawyer, Anderson Duff (that’s his real name!), who’s working well below his rate to take on these corporate bullies who are trying to suppress our criticism of the news. But even at discount rates, our legal bills are piling up and are expected to reach $100,000 by the end of the trial. We are confident we will win this important First Amendment case but we are suddenly faced with a very real possibility that we’ll bankrupt ourselves in the process. In order to continue doing what we do and secure the future of the Found Footage Festival, we need to raise $80,000.

If you’ve enjoyed our live show or our news pranks or even How to Have Cybersex on the Internet , please chip in what you can. If we meet our goal, we promise to continue serving up the most unintentionally funny videos ever committed to VHS and calling out lazy news stations whenever possible. Maybe in the form of incompetent cat trainers, we’ll see.

I Can’t Blow, But I Sure Do Suck

Initially I just tweeted this story out and was prepared to leave it at that, but the longer I allow it to turn itself about in my brain the stronger the urge becomes to memorialize the stupidity at work here because sometimes, the simplest mistakes are also the dumbest mistakes.

I do not have asthma. I know people who do, but generally it isn’t something we talk about. I say this in order to make it clear that I have no firsthand understanding of the sorts of limitations that asthma can potentially put on a person. But from the little I do know, I can imagine that it might make certain tasks difficult at best and impossible at worst. Tasks such as blowing into a tube, like the ones connected to those breath testing devices the police have, for instance. They make you blow fairly hard into those things as I understand it, so perhaps it’s reasonable that asthma might make it hard for a sufferer to comply if asked.

Adam Horn at least thought that far ahead when he found himself in just such a situation. I don’t want to see anyone skate on an impaired driving charge he deserves, but good job, buddy. Credit where it’s due.

But then. Oh then.

Adam Horn, pulled over in Waterloo just after midnight on March 18, 2015, smelled of alcohol, his trial heard. An OPP officer asked him to blow into a tube connected to an alcohol screening device.
Horn’s cheeks were “sucked in” and the officer heard no sounds of air and no tone from the device. Three more attempts were made with the same result.
When Horn, 28, was arrested, “he threw his head back in exasperation,” Justice Gary Hearn said on Thursday. The police officer quoted Horn as saying, “Come on, I have asthma.”
“The officer noted Mr. Horn had no struggles with breathing or talking,” Hearn said.

The asthma allegation is not supported by evidence and is “self-serving in the extreme,” the judge said. “There’s nothing to indicate that that issue, if it was an issue at all, compromised Mr. Horn’s ability to provide a proper sample.
“Indeed, shortly after that comment was made, Mr. Horn requested and was given permission to have a cigarette, which he did without apparent difficulty.”

Jesus, you idiot. I want my credit back. I mean come on, man.

He was convicted of failing/refusing to provide a breath sample, fined $1,000 and banned from driving for a year. Assuming he’s similar to others I’ve met in his position, he should be able to bitch about it all with minimal effort, asthma or no asthma.

Thank You for Flying Piggy Bank Airlines

Why is it that right before you’re about to do something, you almost always hear a ridiculous and/or dangerous story about that thing? The example that always comes to mind for me is years ago when I had to have surgery on my arm. I’m sitting in the living room watching TV with my family two nights before the big day when on comes a commercial for the nightly news. the lead story? The growing problem of patients waking up during surgeries. Seriously.

And now, in honour of Carin who is at this very moment in the air on her way to a conference, comes word of a crazy old Chinese lady chucking coins into a jet engine for good luck. Luck? Sure. Good? Not so much, methinks.

A flight in China was delayed for five hours after an elderly passenger threw coins into the aircraft’s engine for good luck.
The 80-year-old passenger, surnamed Qiu, was boarding the China Southern Airlines flight from Shanghai to Guangzhou with her family when she stopped to make the ‘blessings’. 
Then she threw nine coins at the aircraft’s engine turbine. Concerned fellow passengers alerted airline staff.

Eight of the coins missed, but during the five hour delay required to evacuate the 150 passengers and fully inspect the plane again, one was found inside the engine. Yes, it was found, so maybe there’s something to this good luck thing after all. But even so, don’t do that, everyone.

The woman was detained, but no charges were noted.

Safe travels, Carin.

Let Her Go, The Bluegrass Edition


It wasn’t this particular one, but a version of it popped up during a mix I was listening to on Spotify a while back. It’s the Travelin’ McCourys doing a bluegrass cover of that Let Her Go song that Passenger had all over the radio a couple years ago, and it’s pretty great.

You Can Cuff Me, But Only For Another $20

Yes, a 70-year-old massage lady did offer to take the nice officer to the full service pumps for an additional fee, but do not let that fact distract you from the best part of this, that being that it all went down (so to speak) at Jax Therapy.

Septuagenarian Sun Hee Gribat was collared Tuesday at Jax Therapy in Jacksonville. Police began probing the business after receiving reports that female employees performed sex acts on customers.
After an undercover detective paid Gribat $70 for a 30-minute rubdown, she led him to a massage room. During the massage, cops allege, Gribat allegedly “offered to masturbate the detective for additional $60.00.”

The Floppotron


We’ve posted a few different computer hardware musical creations here over the years, but nothing on this scale, I don’t think.

Polish engineer Paweł Zadrożniak built the Floppotron, a synchronized array of obsolete computer hardware programmed to play tunes. The current Floppotron 2.0 build sports 64 floppy drives, 8 hard drives, and a pair of flatbed scanners—most of these items have had their covers removed, apparently for improved acoustic performance.

Zadrożniak harnessed the power of the stepper motors in the floppy drives and scanners. By driving those motors at specific speeds, he can force them to generate pitches that sound a lot like string instruments. The hard drives can be gently overloaded to force the read/write heads to whack against metal guard rails—voila, percussion!

Saying it sounds “a lot like string instruments” is awfully generous, but that’s not me saying it isn’t pretty cool and even kinda good.

If you’d like to read more about how it all works and see more videos of it in action, here ya go.

If The Late Show Is Good Enough To Anger Trump’s FCC, It’s Good Enough For Me

I haven’t watched the Late Show since Letterman left because rare is the night when I’m not fast asleep by 11:30 and none of our good for nothing cable companies will get around to building me a DVR I can use, but if this is the sort of thing I’m missing I might have to work harder to keep my old ass awake more often.

Damn.

Not only is this monologue quite fantastic by broadcast network television standards, but it’s also, according to Ajit (maybe that should be Idjit) Pai, the bloviating buffoon appointed by the gasbag in chief to run the thing, getting Stephen Colbert and company investigated by the FCC. I shit you not.

Colbert faced immediate backlash online from Trump supporters, and others who contend that his comments were homophobic. The host has not apologized for his monologue, though he did say the next day that he probably would have used some less-crude words if he did it all over again.
“I have jokes; he has the launch codes,” said Colbert. “So, it’s a fair fight.”
Trump also has the executive branch of the federal government. FCC Chair Pai recently confirmed his agency is looking into the remarks after receiving complaints from the public.
“I have had a chance to see the clip now and so, as we get complaints, and we’ve gotten a number of them,” Pai told WPHT-AM radio in Philadelphia. “We are going to take the facts that we find and we are going to apply the law as it’s been set out by the Supreme Court and other courts and we’ll take the appropriate action.”

Aww, poor baby. Not so funny when somebody turns your mean-spirited dickitry the other way, is it?

I’m sure nothing will come of this. This administration and its apologists will say just about anything at any time for any reason and it’s not as though anything Colbert said was obscene to a sane person especially at that time of day, but even if something does, if I’m CBS I’ll happily pay the fine since I’ll surely make whatever it is back in ad dollars in no time flat.

Microsoft’s Seeing AI App Sounds Like TapTapSee On Steroids

I haven’t tried it for myself just yet since this is the first I’ve heard of it, but if Microsoft’s Seeing AI app works as advertised, holy shit!

Seeing AI, a free app that narrates the world around you, is available now to iOS customers in the United States, Canada, India, Hong Kong, New Zealand and Singapore.
Designed for the blind and low vision community, this ongoing research project harnesses the power of artificial intelligence to open up the visual world and describe nearby people, text and objects.

The app uses artificial intelligence and the camera on your iPhone to perform a number of useful functions:

  • Reading documents, including spoken hints to capture all corners of a document so that you capture the full page. It then recognizes the structure of the document, such as headings, paragraphs and lists, allowing you to rapidly skip through the document using voiceover.
  • Identifying a product based on its barcode. Move the phone’s camera over the product; beeps indicate how close the barcode is – the faster the beeps, the closer you are – until the full barcode is detected. It then snaps a photo and reads the name of the product.
  • Recognizing people based on their face, and providing a description of their visual appearance, such as their gender, facial expression and other identifying characteristics.
  • Recognizing images within other apps – just tap Share, and Recognize with Seeing AI.

In addition to full documents and barcodes, it will also be able to read things like signs and labels, which if done well could be a pretty big step up from what the still awesome and useful TapTapSee does now. Oh, and it will even try to describe any picture you take in detail, a handy feature for anyone who has ever let a sighted friend borrow their phone or had one take a photo for you only to discover that they actually took 12 of them.

And remember, all of this is free. Maybe it’s only free because it’s a research project, but if it’s going to lead to greater accessibility in all sorts of mainstream applications down the line, who cares?

I Just Wondered Wondered Where’s My Fucking Pizza Pizza ‘Cause I’m Hungry


It’s not every day that one of these messed up order food feud stories goes from fight between customer and cashier to all out drunken brawl, but that’s what happened in Toronto over the weekend. So much for Canadians being nice all the time, I guess.

Paul Michael, 23, was at the restaurant when the brawl began at around 2 a.m. He said it started when a woman entered the restaurant on Queen St. E., at Broadview Ave., and complained that her pizza order was late.
“They didn’t call her to tell her it was ready so in the middle of the Pizza Pizza, she started screaming how she wasn’t satisfied,” Michael said.
“She was making this big scene and then someone else said something and one person just started grabbing another. The big thing just started happening when she jumped over the counter and started throwing the chips on the floor. So everything just started going crazy.”
That’s when Michael started recording. The video has been watched almost 10,000 times on YouTube as of early Tuesday afternoon.
“Everyone started pushing each other,” he said. “I don’t know how those other people really got involved. I just sat there and filmed the whole event.”

Sorting out charges is a little confusing, as depending on which source you go by (including different lines in the same article) either nobody was charged with anything or one person was dinged for public intoxication. But for now, that’s really not important. What we really want to know is what became of the pizza at the centre of all this.

“She did get the pizza,” Michael told the Toronto Star. “She was yelling about it as she got it. She ended up throwing it on the floor.”

Good thing she went to all that trouble.