The Great Non-Robbery Robbery That Was A Robbery But Wasn’t Or At Least Shouldn’t Be, You Know What I Mean?

Dominyk Alfonseca definitely handed a bank teller a robbery note. She definitely put money on the counter for him. He was definitely arrested with a bag full of cash. We know these things are definites because he posted photos and videos on his Instagram of all but one of those things happening and admits to that last one in an interview. Yet in spite of all this, a robbery was definitely not committed, he says. This is because…um…you know what, I’m letting him explain it, because dude be crazy.

“For real, I didn’t even do it for money, you understand? I didn’t do that for money. I knew my page would get exposure,” explained Dominyk Alfonseca as he sat in the Virginia Beach Correctional Center Wednesday.

“No threats in it. If you see me in the video or whatever like that, I have a shirt on — no weapon, no mask — and she passes me the money,” said Alfonseca. “I don’t want to get her in trouble. Maybe she made a mistake. Maybe she made a mistake, and I didn’t make a mistake.”
Alfonseca, who drifted off topic several times during the interview, said he hoped by posting the items to Instagram, he would get the attention of certain people, some of whom had stolen ideas from him during the course of several years. Exactly what he hoped to accomplish once he had their attention, he wouldn’t specify.

No one who had stolen ideas from him could be reached for comment, as all of the mental institutions and cemeteries in the area have strict no interviews policies.

But anyway, that doesn’t matter. What’s truly important is that if there are any criminals here, they’re not him. They’re the ones who took him down, man.

“‘Get down! Get down in the dirt!'” Alfonseca recalled were one officer’s words to him. “I was like, ‘All right. Cool.’ So, I got down.”
Alfonseca added, “For real, I felt like I got robbed, ’cause they gave me the money. Then, the police robbed my brain,” he stated.

That’s what you’d call a negative cash flow robbery, I suspect.

Now that he’s in jail, how does he feel about his chances of going free?

As far as the crime for which he is charged, Alfonseca said, “Everything is relative, you know what I mean? It’s however you want to take it. I’m telling you why I did what I did, you know what I mean? But if justice is served in that thing, then I think justice shall be served all around.”

You know what? I’m not even going to pretend I know what he means. What I will do, however, is refer back to the issue of This Is True where I read about him initially for his entirely more lucid yet still completely nonsensical theory on why no court would convict him.

“I posted the video on my Instagram,” he said. “I videotaped it. If it was a robbery, I don’t think I would videotape it, post the picture of the letter and do that all to come to jail.”

Yes, the old “Who could possibly be that stupid?” defense.

True also does those of us who can’t see the image of his note the solid of describing it.

“I need 150,000 [dollars] right NOW!!” the note started. “Please.” A couple places on the notes even included smiley emoticons.

Well hey. If they’re not biting on the she gave me money because she wanted to theory, why not take a stab at at least I was nice about it, I suppose.

Next Time At Least Take A Stab At A Better Hideout

If I were Jared Hudson and I’d just had an argument with my dad that ended when I stabbed him multiple times in the head with a screwdriver, running and hiding would most likely be my idea too. But of all the places I might go, I’d not have thought of one of the washrooms down at police headquarters. Way ahead of me on that one, Jared.

Osborn said when officers arrived Hudson had run off. The older man “was covered with blood and told us his son stabbed him” during an argument, he said.
The village’s canine led officers to a yellow-handled screwdriver near the railroad tracks behind the house, Osborn said.
Officer Laila Bratton, working the communications desk, then called to say she saw a man fitting the description going into the public bathroom at headquarters, Osborn said. Detectives Craig Long and Ann Cawley took Hudson into custody.

He was charged with second-degree assault and criminal possession of a weapon. Bail was set at $250. Dad was taken to hospital for treatment and later released.

Goodbye Strange One

Now and then I’ll come across something in the news that pretty much defies explanation. And if Christian Radecki is being honest about his lack of substance ingestion or a mental health condition (there’s nothing official so far to indicate that he isn’t), I’m pretty certain this is one of those times.

The 44-year-old Floridian (of course he is) came to the attention of police because that’s what happens when you’re caught on surveillance video plowing your car into the back of a marked Sheriff’s Office vehicle, dancing on top of said vehicle while songs by Hall & Oates and Supertramp play on your own car’s radio and then breaking the windshield wipers and steeling some guy’s American flag when dance time is over.

And if that’s not weird enough for you, get a load of why he says he did it.

According to a Cape Coral Police report, Radecki said it all began when a “woman with fangs” came to his door, threatening that a human sacrifice was about to occur involving vampires.  “Therefore, Radecki made the conscious decision to get the Sheriff of Nottingham to help him stop the slaughter of small children,” the report states.

Just in case you’re thinking that maybe this could somehow still make sense, the answer to your question is no, it was not Halloween. It was April.

After being taken to a local hospital for a mental evaluation, Redecki, already a convicted sex offender, was jailed on charges of disturbing the peace and criminal mischief.

Baseball, Books And More Music Than I Could Possibly Listen To? Please Take My Money, TuneIn

Often when I open the TuneIn Radio app, I’m greeted with a pitch for the premium service. Now and then I’ve thought about trying it out since what it offers sounds pretty decent, but I’ve never bothered to give it a go. But it seems I may have to get off my arse and just do it now that they’ve apparently relaunched the hell out of it.

The load of commercial free music streams and the collection of audio books almost put me over the top as it was, but now those areas have been expanded and possibly even more interestingly at least for some of us, there’s a new partnership between TuneIn and Major League Baseball that will bring what is essentially Gameday Audio to the TuneIn app. Gameday Audio is literally the only reason I pay for MLB At Bat, so considering that I can now get its main draw, plus music, plus audio books, plus whatever else they might add in the future plus the mountains of free radio stations and Podcasts TuneIn already offers all for $9 a month, I’ve got some decisions to make. And unless they go and fuck up the accessibility of the thing, I don’t see them being difficult ones.

TuneIn, the world’s largest audio network with over 60M monthly users, today announced a new subscription service – TuneIn Premium. With TuneIn Premium, subscribers will be able to listen to live play-by-play coverage of all Major League Baseball games, Barclays Premier League and Bundesliga matches, over 600 commercial-free music stations, and have unlimited access to over 40,000 audiobooks.
“With the introduction of TuneIn Premium we are taking the world’s best audio content and putting it all in one place,” said John Donham, Chief Executive Officer of TuneIn. “MLB is the gold standard in professional sports and its mobile availability on TuneIn will anchor our new subscription service for years to come. In today’s crowded audio landscape, our focus on exclusive news, talk, sports, and music allows us to deliver an unparalleled listening experience to our users.”
“We’re excited to partner with TuneIn and bring our live radio broadcasts to another distribution platform for baseball fans all over the world,” said Kenny Gersh, Executive Vice President, Business, MLBAM. “TuneIn gives fans multiple baseball channels so they can listen to every live game as well as a variety of MLB.com and MLB Network programming, including fantasy baseball, talk shows and baseball-themed entertainment, and individual stations devoted to their favorite teams.”
Starting today, TuneIn Premium is available in the US ($7.99 USD/month), Canada ($8.99 CAD/month) and the UK (£5.99/month) with future plans to roll out to additional countries. Users will be able to access TuneIn Premium within the existing TuneIn Radio app, which will remain free and continues to offer over 100,000 streaming radio stations and 5.7 million on-demand programs and podcasts.
TuneIn Premium Features:
Major League Baseball – TuneIn Premium subscribers can listen to home and away feeds for every game, from Spring Training to the World Series. All TuneIn users, including those not subscribed to TuneIn Premium, will have access to programs like MLB Fantasy 411, MLB Network Intentional Talk, The Vault, Express Written Consent, and official MLB podcasts. All TuneIn users can follow their favorite MLB teams on team-specific radio stations to hear daily recaps, press conferences, and more.
600 Commercial-Free Music Stations: Partnerships with the largest radio broadcasters around the world make commercial-free radio a reality. Subscribers can listen to over 600 music stations, without commercials. These new stations are programmed by leaders in the industry including Digitally Imported, 977 Music, and JazzRadio.com. Combined, these partners have garnered more than 30 million listening hours in 2015.
40,000+ Audiobooks: Subscribers have unlimited access to a library of more than 40,000 audiobook titles from publishers like Penguin Random House, HarperCollins and Scholastic. Subscribers will also have access to 16 different language learning programs.
Barclays Premier League: TuneIn Premium subscribers in the U.S. and Canada have access to over 1,000 play-by-play events per season in English, Spanish, and Mandarin, with select coverage in Malay. Live, play-by-play coverage will be provided every week from talkSPORT.
Bundesliga: TuneIn is the only global destination for comprehensive play-by-play coverage of Bundesliga, the best attended soccer league in the world. TuneIn Premium subscribers have access to English commentary for select Bundesliga matches for every time slot (Friday 2:00pm EST, Saturday 9:30am and 12:30pm, Sunday 9:30am and 11:30pm EST) as well as midweek fixtures throughout the season, (over 160 live matches). TuneIn Premium subscribers also have access to live play-by play-coverage for all Bundesliga matches in German.
Content from TuneIn’s Free Service: TuneIn Premium subscribers can enjoy everything TuneIn’s free service has to offer too – 100,000 real radio stations plus more than 5.7 million podcasts from around the world.
Listeners can subscribe to TuneIn Premium or sign up for a free trial starting today via TuneIn.com and TuneIn’s mobile apps for iOS and Android.

Purina Diet

A joke written like a true story that I can actually picture happening. Kind of makes me want to be the one to pick up Tansy’s next bag of dog food just to have the chance to mess with somebody.

A friend of mine has a huge Labrador Retriever. It eats a lot, and we went to the store to buy a large bag of dog food. We were in line to check out and a woman behind him asked if he had a dog.

The “what a moron!” look on my buddy’s face was priceless, and I knew what it meant: he was going to toy with her. He told her that no, he was starting The Purina Diet again although he probably shouldn’t — he said he had ended up in the hospital last time, but that he’d lost 50 pounds before he awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of his orifices and IVs in both arms.
He told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. He said that the food is nutritionally complete so he was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with his story, particularly a big tall guy who was behind the woman.
Horrified, she asked why he ended up in the hospital — had the Purina made him sick? He told her no; he’d been sitting in the middle of the street licking his balls and a car hit him.
The woman turned fire-engine red, and I helped the tall guy up off the floor.

Call The Cops And I’ll Kill You! No Way. You’ll Just Back Out Like You Always Do, You Jerk

I’ve lost count of how many times some fool has called the cops to straighten out a less than desirable drug transaction and I can even recall a prostitution deal or two going wrong over the years with similar results. But a customer and his hired hitman both calling the police to settle the monetary dispute sparked by the hitman not killing his customer’s daughter’s boyfriend as he was damn well paid to do? That’s different. It’s also a thing that really did occur a couple of months ago, it says here.

Joseph Larry Lopez, 59, allegedly paid David Allen Northcutt, 40, several thousand dollars to kill his adult daughter’s boyfriend, police said.
Warren did not disclose Friday why Lopez wanted the boyfriend dead or how long the two had been dating.
But when Northcutt didn’t follow through with the killing, Lopez demanded his money back, Warren said. The men got into a verbal argument and then called police, each claiming a money dispute. Warren said it was because of the good questioning from officers that they learned of the alleged murder-for-hire plot.

Colour me slightly skeptical of the level of interrogation it took to unravel a scheme concocted by Mensans of such high degree, but hey, at least no one was killed.

Both were taken into custody while formal charges were sorted out.

If You’re Wanting To Try To Sell Hot Pizza Pies, Just Forget It

Good: Making money.
Bad: By steeling 5 cases of frozen pizza from a local warehouse and attempting to sell them.
Worse: To the town’s police department.

Troopers in Nome received reports of a burglary at the Gambell Native Store warehouse at around 10:00 a.m. Sunday in the village of Gambell.
Investigations revealed that 29-year-old John Koozaata and 21-year-old Lewis Oozeva of Gambell broke into to the warehouse early in the morning and stole five cases of frozen pizzas which amounted to 80 pizzas valued at about $1,100.
“Village police officers received their strongest investigative lead when Koozaata and Oozeva called the Gambell Police Department, attempting to sell the pizzas to the on-duty police officers,” troopers wrote.

Our wood-be entrepreneurs were both charged with second degree theft and  second degree burglary, and all but 5 of the pizzas were recovered. I bet I know where the other five went, and I’m glad recovering them isn’t my job.

Ducks In A Bar

Three little ducks waddle into a bar.
“Good afternoon!” the bartender says to the first duck. “What’s your name?”

“Huey,” the duck says.
“How’s your day been, Huey?”
“Great. Lovely day. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?” said Huey.
“That’s nice,” said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, “And what’s your name?”
“Dewey,” came the answer from duck number two.
“So how’s your day been, Dewey?” he asked.
“Great. Lovely day. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?”
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, “So, you must be Louie?”
“No,” she said, batting her eyelashes. “My name is Puddles.”

Shoot Me Once, Shame On You. Shoot Me Twice, Shame ON Me. Shoot Me 3 Times…?

File this one under some folks never learn.

A man shot and wounded Sunday night near 18th and Emmet was shot and wounded in the same neighborhood last September.

Omaha police Monday said Ran’dell Busch, 27, was in critical, but stable condition following the shooting late Sunday night. 
Police found him wounded after responding to a Shotspotter call at 10:38 p.m.
Last September, Busch was shot at that same address at 12:45 in the afternoon.  He went to the hospital in a private vehicle and did not cooperate with police.

And speaking of the police…

Busch was shot by Omaha police in 2012, when investigators say he ran from officers. This, too, took place at 18th and Emmet.

The article also notes that Busch has a habit of getting shot that dates all the way back to age 15, though it unhelpfully leaves out how many bullets he’s taken or if any of them met him at the same intersection.

Currently Popping Raft?

I’m long past the point of being way overdue to update my CPR certifications, but one of the things I do remember from the long forgotten classes I took is the part where they tell you to assess the situation as carefully as you can in the short amount of time you have to react. What sort of help does this person need? Is there anyone else nearby who can assist? Is the person I’m saving even a person at all? Ok so that last one never came up, but perhaps the training people might want to think about adding it to the book juuuuuuuust in case.

French police officers found the 22-year-old behaving strangely in the early hours of Sunday in the shipyard in Vannes in Brittany, near an area which houses several nightclubs and late-night bars.
“He was underneath a boat, on his knees, trying to resuscitate a rubber dinghy,” police told Le Télégramme de Brest newspaper.
The would-be hero had called emergency services and told them to rush an ambulance to the site before he set about his own rescue attempt.
He told the officers that the “victim” was not responding and needed to be saved. He had been carrying out cardio pulmonary resuscitation (CPR) to revive him.

Police told the ambulance to return to base while our drunken friend, who to his credit was at least trying to be helpful, was taken to whatever the french equivalent of the drunk tank is (Le dégrisement?) until he could remember what a human being looked like.