Here’s Another neat little Hallowe’en Treat for y’all.
The cereal aisles have been positively assaulted by the Halloween spirit, with virtually every brand except for those fibrous ones meant to help old people shit getting the spooky treatment. While Count Chocula and pals lead the pack, some of the more iconic bad boys of the breakfast table are donning fake fangs in a massive effort to cash in on the horror fest — not even your fabled Froot Loops are safe.
Yep, it’s Kellogg’s Freaky Froot Loops, the sweetened multigrain cereal that lets you follow Toucan Sam’s nose straight to Hell. The bird’s even dolled himself up with a vampire cowl, while keeping his trademark smile just to let the kiddies know that, despite the outfit, he hasn’t transformed into a hideous murdering monster. You know, from what I’ve heard, that’s pretty debatable. The box marks the cereal as being a “limited edition” offering, in case there’s a few collectible dealers out there who see a potential future selling off old boxes of Halloween Froot Loops. I don’t, but it’s still nice to know that I’m buying food that will simply cease to exist come November of this year. Though, if Freaky Froot Loops returns in 2004, the edition really wouldn’t have been all that “limited.” I’m not saying that Toucan Sam is a liar, but there’s room for doubt.
Wow, that’s the first time I’ve doubted a toucan like…ever. Halloween is so full of surprises.
To make the cereal more seasonal, some of those more SHOCKING and NEON colors have been excluded — there’s no blue or red loops in Freaky Froot Loops, and while that’s reason to cry, the bird compensates with the addition of fa-reeeeky marshmallows! Yep, you get marshmallow bones, ghosts, and masks! The bones look more like broken off pieces of other marshmallows, the ghosts look like sperm, and they call the masks “masks” so they won’t have to scare children by naming what’s obviously meant to be “skull” marshmallows. All of ’em arrive in a base color of white with orange swirls abounding, and you can almost hear Dracula golf clapping off in the distance with horrific approval.
In any case, it still tastes as fantastic as ever, and the Froot Loops haven’t lost their trademark of smelling exactly like those moist towelettes Chinese restaurants hand you when you’re finished fondling all of those dead pig bones. Say what you will about these companies doing all this Halloween stuff just to spark sales, but it’s still nice to see. In a world where holiday television specials are increasingly tossed aside from their usual prime time spots, and where my very own neighborhood seems to have lost its trick-or-treater count over the years by 90%, it’s great to see someone, even Toucan Sam, get into the spirit of things. He’s no Boo Berry, but hey, he’s predominately blue just the same.
The back of the box features all sorts of Halloween-themed game, ranging from Toucan Sam’s “Creepy Crossword” to Toucan Sam’s “Freaky Riddles,” and even Toucan Sam’s “Wispy Word Hunt.” The side panel has a recipe for “Crunchy Caramel Apples” using Apple Jacks as a primary ingredient, which is interesting since I bought Froot Loops, not Apple Jacks. Couldn’t they name me one special food to make with the cereal in hand? I dunno, “Toucan Sam’s Criminal Crispies” or something? Oh well, beggars can’t be choosers, and if there’s anything I am, it’s a beggar. A beggar with Froot Loops cereal dust all over his crotch. I think I found my Halloween costume.
More later, Kids.