Hallowe’en Countdown

Well X-Entertainment has got a Hallowe’en countdown on that I’ve decided to bring her because it is funny funny stuff. They are short little blurbs on different Hallowe’en novelty items that are sure to get a chuckle. Funny stuff. Here’s the first one for ya, more to come.

Don’t forget you can go to X-E yourself because there is all kinds of great stuff over there, but be sure to come back here or I will hunt you down like the dog your are! The X-E link is over on the right isde of the page.


Hand Shaped Treat Kits
It’s September 19th, 2003. Hurricane Isabel is making her presence known, and for all I know, this may be my last night alive. In these potentially final hours, I could find no better climax moment than filling plastic gloves up with popcorn. The “Hand Shaped Treat Kit,” one of this year’s hottest Halloween offerings, takes a page from those classic “popcorn balls” and spooks the formula up to the ultimate Scary Holiday Standard. Best of all, they’re fun party favors!!!

Each kit includes twelve hand-shaped treat bags with the kind of twist ties usually reserved for those really big Hefty bags — the ones so incredibly large that we must wonder if Hefty macabrely caters to the small yet profitable market of those who need to transport their hacked up victims as inconspicuously as possible. Sorry that I’m going on and on about these ties, but really, the hand-bags aren’t all that interesting. They’re just plain dye gloves with screenprinted green hands covered in assorted bat & ghost novelty rings on ’em. I guess I could talk about the exceedingly pointy orange fingernails for a while, but who’d pick that over a paragraph about twist ties?

Before you can fill the hands with popcorn, you’ve got to — surprise — make popcorn. If you’ve got raw, noncommercialized kernels on hand, it’s preferable to use those. The mass-produced & souped-up varieties like the one shown above lack the old world charm of the nude versions, and if there’s one thing you want to avoid while making god damned popcorn hands, it’s robbing yourself the chance to feel 0ld sk00l.

Okay, now we’re up to the fun part. The step that every would-be “treat hand” maker dreams about. It’s time to fill those gloves. Crack your knuckles and prepare for an experience…

Here’s the cool thing about making Halloween-themed treat hands — in all likelihood, at the moment you put the popcorn inside the gloves, you’re the only person in the whole entire world who’s doing that. You’ve achieved a level of uniquity on par with the duckbilled platypus and the guy who hosted those old Micro Machines commercials. If you’re watching a rerun of All In The Family, there’s probably several thousand other people doing the exact same thing at any given time. Same goes for taking Tylenol, pissing on the side of the road, and yes — even if you’re choking out your grandmother with the very yarn she was crafting you a new winter scarf with, there’s a good chance someone else is doing the same thing out there somewhere. Treat hands? No way. Unless you synchronize the activity with some friends in an effort to break universal law, you’re that particular minute’s only Treat Hand maker in history, sweet forever etched history. Be proud. Celebrate with a popcorn snack.

If you hate popcorn and the idea of sticking popcorn into hands, you could always use the gloves to achieve a perfectly borderline pensive/goofy fucking shithead aura. Few kits to arrive this Halloween season will pack such an impressive dichotomy. Even fewer will let you shove popcorn into plastic gloves. Treat hands are a true original.

Upon completion, that’s what the treat hands look like. Overstuffed popcorn paws. The package claims that you could fill these bitches with something other than popcorn, but I can’t picture the flimsy bags surviving sharp pretzels or potato chips. Considering them as “party favors,” you gotta figure that nobody’s gonna give out the 7,000 Reese’s Pieces it’d take to fill a single glove, either. These are for popcorn only, so don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I’m serious — don’t let anyone do it. Don’t ruin your Halloween with false truths. Don’t swap the pop.

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