You Win!

One thing that’s always gotten on my nerves is the practise of giving things to celebrities for doing their job. Anybody who has ever watched or listened to any sort of sporting event or seen Mike Bullard on TV more than once should know what I’m talking about. Things like, “for being our guest on the post-game show, Frank will receive a combination can opener and alarm clock courtesy of WalMart.”

First of all, why can’t Frank buy his own combination can opener and alarm clock at his own local WalMart, I’m sure he’s got the money. And secondly, he doesn’t need one, and not just because can opening time pieces are a stupid idea either. Fact is that Frank probably has about 372 of the damn things kicking around his house from all his other guest spots on all the other post-game shows in every other city in the known world. I think it would make Frank much happier if WalMart just gave him 30 bucks so he could go out for a beer and a cheap lap dance at the club later on instead of yet another self-propelled personal video organizer.

I’m convinced that that’s why famous people live in such big houses. It’s not because they’re self-absorbed egomaniacs who need everything to be a status symbol that will prove their own worth to humanity, it’s because they need a place to put all the solar-powered night goggles and digital forks that people keep giving them. Seriously, cut that shit out.

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