Ask At Your Own Risk. November 7, 2003

Well, we here at the VomitComet decided that it was time for us to help out the common man with an advice column. Now, since very few of you wrote in, we simply stole questions from other websites and answered them the way they should have been answered instead of the sugar coated garbage that these so-called “qualified” experts will give you. You people need honest and this is where you’ll get it. We’ll continue to do this probably weekly. You can feel free to send us your real questions, but this is good for a laugh too. So without further delay, other people’s questions answered the way they should have been… It’s about time.

1. Dear Comet

How do I talk to my daughter, 29, about her jealousy? I recently visited
her and her new boyfriend and felt the jealousy, she didn’t treat me nicely.
We already have a tense relationship. I don’t want to distance her any
further. I love her very much. Should I talk about it or let it go? I know
she has
insecurities but I feel our relationship is drifting, it’s very painful. –
Loving mother

Dear Loving Mom

Your daughter is a jealous whore. Since her boyfriend seems like too big of a pussy to
smack her around a bit I’d say it’s up to you. Maybe cut her out of the will or something.

2. Dear Comet,

How do I put this without going into five pages of detail? I am currently dating a woman who is a liar. We have been together for under six months. I have very strong feelings for her, and I don’t know if I can leave her. The problem is, when I confront her on things, she yells at me and shuts me down. I would appreciate any comments or suggestions, as this is extremely frustrating.

– Whipped Cream

Dear Whipped Cream,

How do I put this without going into five pages of detail? Bitches get stitches. Next

3. Dear Comet,

My boyfriend of 5 years had an affair (mid-life crisis); he turned 40 last year. Of this affair came a child. All of the “I’m Sorry..” have been said. Trust is out the window, so is the belief and faith. Respect had also been lost. I’m angry yes. At him, for not being trusting and at me, for believing in our relationship. He has asked for another chance. Which I would like to give, however, I know rebuilding our relationship is going to be an ongoing job. Starting with trust. How do we begin to start anew? P.S. His extramarital affair is the PSYCHO from HELL.

– Loser

Dear Loser

Hmmm, so trust is out the window, along with belief and faith? Well, why not toss yourself out the window too, along with your cheating boyfriend and his bastard child? Hey, he’s already dating the psycho from hell so she can show you all around when you get there.

(Note: When VomitComet tells you to kill yourself, what he really means is to go rescue sick puppies from the pound.)

4. Dear Comet,

I am a single person and often have difficulty cooking healthy meals for one. I am so hungry when I get home from work that I often just throw something together quickly. Do you have any suggestions on pre-planning or making single serving portions?

– Hungry in Hamilton

Dear Hungry

Try chopping up some old hot dogs and throwing them raw into a bowl of mac and cheese. That way you’re getting three of the needed food groups in one shot: starch, dairy and horse rectum. If that isn’t quick enough for you, why not try not eating at all? It saves money in the short run AND in the long run.

5. Dear Comet,

Please help me, I have a very hard time saying “no” to my children. Actually I have a hard time saying “no” to anyone that asks anything of me. My life is way too busy and I never have time for the things that really matter to me. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

– Loser In A Parallel Dimension Where Everything Is Opposite But I’m Such A Loser That I Am Even A Loser There

Dear L.E.I.A.P.D.W.E.I.O.B.I.S.A.L.T.I.A.E.A.L.T.,

Could you do me a favor? Could you eat a bowl of broken glass? Please? Thanks. Honestly. Say No for Shit Sake.

6. Dear Comet,

A year ago, my wife of 10 years had a difference of opinion with my
mother. She’s 70, in poor health and recently moved here to be closer to her
grandchildren. My wife felt Mom should apologize. I asked my mother, she refused. My wife
says it’s too late now. She forbade the children to visit. Mom. She’s asked
me to leave, and threatened to leave with the children. They’re confused
about why they can no longer see Grandma. My wife calls her own mother
daily, takes the kids to her family gatherings, expects me go but won’t go to any
of mine if my mother attends. Our marriage had been drifting a few years,
we’re getting counseling. She won’t compromise on this issue. I should be
supportive but her vindictive decisions are making my life stressful and
depriving the children.

– Miserable

Dear Miserable,

See number 2 in regards to your wife.

What??? Oh fine, some actual advice. Alright. Real Simple. You’re mother is of poor health anyway, right? So really how the hell much longer can she bother you? 3, maybe 4 months at the most before she’s taking the eternal dirt nap. Now your wife on the other hand. Shit. She could make the rest of your life a living hell. Either by staying married to you and nagging you at every turn or divorcing you, taking your kids and making you pay out the ass in support over you sticking by your mother’s side. Use some sense man. Dump your mom in some home and keep on with the good livin’. Everybody wins. You’re not changing diapers anymore and your wife’s happy. And believe me. You want to keep your wife happy. You try and find someone else who will cook you dinner and clean those mysterious stains out of your underwear for no pension and no pay. Let’s move on.

7. Dear Comet,

I am 22 years old and have always had trouble picking up women. It’s not that they don’t talk to me cuz I have lots of female friends, but it’s like they see me as that gay friend that they can cry in when really I want to get with them. How do I find girls that aren’t looking for a long term friendship and some that are looking for just some fun every once in a while? Can you help me out, here?

– The Best Friend

Dear Best Friend,

Now, I don’t know you but is it possible that maybe your really are gay and they just figured it out before you??? No??? Okay, then. I’ve got a goldmine for you. You need to start hanging around outside abortion clinics. No, seriously. Stop looking all disgusted. It’s perfect. You’re looking for a girl that you can just fuck and move on. Well, these women wouldn’t be at abortion clinics if they didn’t like to fuck, right? It’s genius. Good luck, friend.

Well that’s probably enough for this week. You can of coarse feel free to send in your real questions to us here at the vomitcomet if you need some help… but you do now know what you’re getting yourself in to.

Steve: sendstuffhere@rogers.com
Matt: mattrobinson_gms@hotmail.com

Take Care Of Yourselves, Kids – And Each Other.

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