Ask At Your Own Risk. (November 19, 2003)

Hello and welcome back all you little Vomiteers. It’s time for the 2nd edition of “Ask At Own Risk.” There was mixed reaction to the first installment but we will continue with this until the feedback is all negative…. and probably even then carry it a little longer. We start off this time with a real question.

Dear Comet

So I got this girlfriend, and her mother and sister do not approve of me highly. WHO KNOWS WHY? Wink wink. Anywho, I was wondering how to get those 2 monkeys off my back, because, well, they’re very protective of her and…y’know. And as for her mother and sister, they’re even more protective. They worry I may treat her poorly and such and such. Okay guys, fire at will!

– Signed Wikkid Awesome

Dear Wikkid Awesome

I suppose you could kill the two monkeys…. think it over.
If for some odd reason you decide that you’d like a less bloody solution try bein’ what they like when you’re around them. Sure, you’re compromising everything that you like about you – but it’s all worth it later on when you’re gettin’ your mack on. Or ditch the momma’s girl with her babysitter and go find a woman that would hand out the lovin’ at her own parents funeral. Do what you gotta do, man.

Now back to the usual.

Dear Comet

My daughter met her boyfriend at 16. They dated seven years, he was like
a family member. Everything went fine until he was laid off last year.

He became depressed and emotional. He decided to separate to focus on
“searching for his goal.” She was devastated.

A week later he came back and asked for forgiveness. But he’s still unhappy.
He searched for jobs with little success. He put away my daughter’s
pictures.
He didn’t wear their relationship ring anymore.

Recently, he said he finds no challenge or motivation in their relationship.
He even indicated another girl was interested in him. He said he knew my
daughter
was the best for him. However, he wanted to split up to prove he could be
successful doing things on his own. If he comes back, he’ll marry her.

She’s upset. I advised she stay calm and not respond to his e-mails. Am I
right?

– Confused mother

Dear Retarded Mother

What the fuck is your problem? Your daughter is absoultely devastated at what’s going on and your advice is for her to cut him out of the picture? I’m glad I’m sure glad you don’t write these columns. You are what I like to call an unrelenting idiot. The stupidity that you unleash unto this world comes in waves, over and over, never ceasing, just continuing to pour more and more stupidity in to this world screwing all of us UNRELENTINGLY!
Do I know how to fix your daughter’s problem? No? But you didn’t ask that? You asked if you were riht and the answer is a resounding “Fuck No, Bitch!”. They’re having a tough time and clearly love each other. His idea is a stupid one but what do you think he will do if the love of his life stops answering his e-mails? For the love of Bunt Cake, lady. Think. No. Don’t think. Stay out of their lives. I’m sure you’re more responsible for this than you’d like to admit as it is.

Dear Comet

I’ve been dating a wonderful person for two years, we’ve known each other
for eight. I’m in my late 30s, he’s early 40s.

I was married before and have two young teens who get along extremely well
with my boyfriend as if they were his own. At our age, I feel our
relationship
should have progressed into something more by now, other than still dating.
Should I be concerned?

– On the fence

Dear Fence

The only thing you should be ooncerned about is having your head examined. Let me make this clear to you. YOU… HAVE… BAGGAGE! Ya, things are cool now while it’s all casual dating and stuff and the guy knows the little shits won’t be coming home with him but he wants no part of that. You’re an idiot for thinking he does. Those kids are a constant reminder that the “territory has been flagged” if you know what I mean and it will taunt him forever. Move on, or lose your kids somewhere. Maybe it’s time they had a lesson in “self reliance.” and shipped them off to the streets. If Junior can program has damn VCR, there’s no reason he can’t scrounge for food behind a Wendy’s.

Dear Comet

This girl that I really like has just gone through a tough break up. I was there for her the hole time. I’ve liked this girl for a very long time and while I was supportive to her during the break up, I was kinda hoping that they would break up as he treated her poorly and I believed that her and I would be a good fit for each other. I know it’s kinda low, but that’s what happened. Now I wanna know how long I should wait before maybe making a move, or if I should at all. We’ve been very close for a long time but never talked about being more than friends. A little help would be great.

– Looking For A Chance

Dear Looking For A Kick To The Skull

There are two very important thngs to note here. First of all, you’re an asshole. You sat there with a close friend with her crying on your shoulder and still hoped for what was making her so upset to continue. That’s classy. You’re Satan and you should rot. Now, the more important part.
You have taken the bus strait in to THE FRIEND ZONE! You were close before all this happend and probably borderline on the Friend Zone. Even if she ever even slightly considered you as a possible boyfriend before, she sure as hell doesn’t now… and I’ll tell you why.
You helped her through a break up. That’s it. You’re linked. Good friends forever. Enjoy it douchebag becuase you deserve this after what you did. Helping a girl through a break will link you forever as a closer personal friend. You got a better chance of getting some action in chasing her X-boyfriend than you do trying to score with her.
To her, right now, you are nothing more than sperm in a glass case. If things don’t work out down the road and she wnats a kid, she’ll come to you with one of those “when we’re 40 if neither of us are married” deals but that just means you’re her last option. Enjoy the late night phone calls over the fact that “Janet called me fat” and “wanna come pick out a top with me?”. For your sinful hoping for her break-up, you have been sentenced to a life in the Friend Zone.

That’s it for this week everyone. If you wanna write in with your own real questions, you can do so at…

mattrobinson_gms@hotmail.com
or
sendstuffhere@rogers.com

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