Watching your weight? Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place, you fat bastard. And Matt, don’t even think about it, asshole. You know what I’m talking about, friend.
Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a friend’s ass, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off
smoking any of them.
If you encounter someone choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Re-create the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, and then urinating into it, before jumping in.