If I ever meet the guy who invented bubble gum flavoured toothpaste I’m gonna hoof him square in the sack. And before you ask, yes, I am in a good mood today. The fact that I’m going to limit myself to a single kick to the nuts on a guy who had the nerve to unleash something so horrid on all of humanity should tell you that I’m feeling rather jovial at this time. Seriously, this stuff is some of the worst tasting shit that you could ever hope to inflict on yourself. There really needs to be a warning label on tubes of the stuff that says “NOT FOR USE BY ANYONE OVER THE AGE OF 7,” or perhaps one that says “WARNING: PRODUCT TASTES LIKE ASS”
It’s not even just that it tastes bad, but it’s for how long it tastes bad, an well, pretty much the whole experience of using it now that I stop and think about it. The first thing you’ll notice when you realize that you’re using bubble gum toothpaste is the flavour which as we’ve already covered here isn’t what any sane person would call good. This is followed closely by the realization that your mouth, rather than feeling clean and fresh as you would expect when brushing your teeth, actually is developing a nice healthy coating of dirty feeling film. And try as you might, nothing you can do is going to get that taste out of your mouth for a good half an hour or more. I’m about 27 minutes and 3 glasses of water removed from my last cleaning and every sip of water still tastes like gum, each one more than the last. I just stopped and ate a little bag of those fruit snack things and a couple of peanut butter cookies and I think the gum taste is almost gone though I’m not entirely sure and I don’t want to declare victory too early. And I just realized something else. Now that I’ve eaten all that candy, I should probably brush my teeth again. God damnit! I just can’t win.
And to make matters worse, I have to use bubble gum toothpaste every day until next Friday afternoon. It’s all they have at the place where I’m staying right now. There’s nothing I can do about it. It’s all they have, it’s free and I’m getting paid to be here. So kind of like trying to figure out Matt’s spelling and back translate it into English, the torture continues.