For Easter my girlfriend got me one of those big chocolate Easter Bunnies that you see everywhere leading up to the holiday. (and that can be purchased for 35 cents the day after Easter’s over) It was a lovely gesture and I am a fan of the abundance of candy that is readily available at this time of year… but this particular bunny packs a bit of a punch.
HE’S ONE RIPPED RABBIT!
This bunny is rock hard. It’s hard to the point where it is difficult to go about eating it. It’s like a chore just to have a piece of this great chocolate. Oh sure, at first everything is great and easy to eat just to get you hooked. I mean you can break off the ears easily enough and eat them and the head is pretty thin so with a bit more effort you can snap that off and enjoy how great this is.
Now they’ve got you. You want more. You NEED more of this particular chocolate animal. It now owns you. But you are now at the body of the rabbit and it is thick, and it is hard and it is UNBREAKABLE.
You can try biting a piece off. This was my first attempt. I clamped down on it with the left side of my jaw and immediately felt pain in the right side to the point where it hurt to close my mouth for a few moments. It was obvious that this was going to take a less direct method. This was going to take some thought, this was going to take some cunning and possibly even some scientific know-how. That’s when I had a brilliant idea…
SMASH IT AS HARD AS I CAN AGAINST MY DESK!!!
What? Not scientific and brilliant enough? What can I say, I’m a guy who gets frustrated easily.
BUT! This bunny stood up to the tremendous impact and did not even dent. This was a crushing blow for me. I set the bunny down on the desk feeling defeated. I stared down at where the head used to be and could picture the eyes staring back at me mockingly. I could just imagine the mouth laughing away screaming in a high pitch frightening voice “NOT TODAY, FRIEND!!!”
I sat for many minutes not knowing what to do. This piece of delicious chocolate was defeating me in a war of survival. I was at a loss. I felt shame. Where could I turn?
I thought that maybe the most obvious answer was the one I was ignoring. I walked in to the kitchen and grabbed a knife confident that when I returned the mocking laughter and the cold stare of a missing rabbit head would be gone and replaced with a change in momentum and he WOULD FEEL MY WRATH!
I approached the tastey animal slowly, almost menacingly brandishing a knife in my right hand with an evil smerk on my face. I sat down slowly and pressed the knife to a portion of the rodent’s body. Then more pressure… and then a bit more… and then I stood up for more pressure as there was no effect on the rabbit and before I knew it I was hacking and chopping wildly at this cute piece of candy just looking for a weakness. My rage was increasing as I could imagine his evil laughter again. I continued looking for a chip in his armour…. There was none.
So here I sit with a delicious piece of chocolate in front of me and no way of enjoying it. I have been defeated by a candy animal. I come to you, the Vomiteers, hoping that someone, anyone, will know how I can have my revenge and devour this evil creature before he is able to devour my entire being with his taunting nature. Please. I beg of you. Help me.
I’ll be sure to thank my girlfriend for this gift. It has brought me so much joy. It’s the thought that counts… Bull! Sometimes I wonder if this is some kinda of conspiracey between this evil creature and my girlfriend. They’re plotting against me to get me out of the way so they can be together and live happy headless lives with each other. Well, I won’t let that happen. I WON’T!
I think this thing is starting to make me crazy…