I’m going to try something that I’ve never tried before because I need to take my mind off of a few things and making fun of people I’ve never met before and venting my anger on them seems like a good way to accomplish that. So with the snappy little introduction complete with reasoning out of the way I present to you…
THE ANGRY BLIND MAN’S 6 O’CLOCK NEWS RECAP
CKCO News At 6, here we go!
*Our top story tonight is the crazy high gas prices that just keep going higher. I personally can only give half a fuck about this because I don’t drive, but it does hurt the people who have to drive me around, which explains where the half of the fuck I do give comes from.
This story gets a full report complete with outraged area residents, Shocked Man and Woman Who “Doesn’t Like It.”
Wow, there’s people dying all over the world but we get to see people getting pissed off about spending $73 to fill up their vehicles in 2 different cities. Simple answer to the problem, sell the SUV, ya jerkoff.
*Ok, moving right along, talk turns to tonight’s Toronto hockey game, complete with jubilant area residents who probably drove to the sight of the party they’re at in their cars, using up more of their gas so that tomorrow they can become outraged area residents again. “Go Leafs Go” seems to be the prevailing sentiment of the moment. This will be followed closely by “go fuck yourself, you oil company owning sonofabitch.”
*An early morning truck fire made a mess of an area road…and it’s in my city, that’s pretty sweet. Flaming dirty hospital bedding backing up traffic for about 10 kilometres, gotta respect that, not sure why, but you just do.
*Moving away from my current city to another that I used to live in, a big load of tires went up in flames in the Brantford area. Homes were evacuated because of smoke and because tires burn like a mofo. Wait, I missed something here, this happened a while back and now there’s some legal rangling over who’s going to be responsible for paying to clean it up. Outraged area residents, you know the drill, let’s move on.
*A car accident near Kitchener didn’t kill some people that I don’t know and nothing funny happened. Why would they even report on it at that point?
*Now we’re talking about the funeral of a University of Waterloo professor who was killed in trinidad where he was vacationing, and who is almost worth a post of his own. He was held up by some locals who wanted his money. He tried to get away by flagging down a passing car…which turned out to be driven by the robber’s accomplice who promptly shot him in the fucking head. You ever get the feeling that somebody’s trying to tell you something? I guess it’s true what they say, when it’s your time it’s your time. By the way, for those who are wondering about the reaction of area residents, they’re sad this time.
*Big pot bust in my city, over 175 marijuana plants were discovered in the grow opperation. It’s just a tragedy that all that stuff will never get to be enjoyed, most tragic thing on the news so far. Colour me an outraged area resident.
*Keeping with the marijuana theme, a Vancouver day care centre has been shut down after it was discovered that the facility was doubling as a home grow opperation.
“No wonder those kids always wanted so many fucking cookies all the time,” an outraged area parent said when reached for comment.
*Moving on, we have a story about the rash of vandalism at Jewish cemeteries that has been taking place in recent months. I can’t think of a really good Jew joke on the fly, oh wait, I can but it’s way too mean, even for me.
*Gang members turned informants who were involved in a Quebec biker trial are upset at the police for not providing them with the new identities they were promised when they ratted out their friends with guns who said they would kill them if they ever turned informer and ratted them out.
Gang member Bob Johnson, who asked not to be identified said that he was disappointed at the situati…then the connection suddenly went silent after a loud pop.
*Woe, a big giant bear up a tree in a residential neighbourhood. Unfortunately for local media who could have a field day with this sort of thing, nobody was hurt and the bear was dealt with by area animal control officials.
*Now comes our first look at the weather that really says not much and serves little more purpose than giving the weather guy some camera time.
*Oh boy, here comes street talk, my favourite part of the news.
Today’s question: With the increasing gas prices, how will your driving habbits change?
Steve answers: Well I’ll just have to figure out which of my friends and family have the most money and kiss up to them so that when I need them to, they’ll be happy to drive my blind ass around. I don’t really care if they raise bus fair since I don’t have to pay for it but if they raise cab prices I’ll be even more pissed off than I am right now.
You know, that was more thoughtful than any of the answers that were actually given on TV but most of the time that’s the case anyway. I’m reminded of my favourite answer to any street talk question.
Question: Who would you most like to see in a celebrity boxing match?
Steve’s answer: Crhistopher Reeve and Steven Hawking.
Come on, tell me you wouldn’t pay good money to watch that.
*Some bad ass stuff happened to a baby, she was abused by nurses who were hired to help care for her. She was caught on hidden camera beating the shit out of this kid, she’s on trial now. I’m not sure how to feel about things like that. On the one hand I’m not a big fan of the idea of being filmed everywhere I go but on the other hand, she shouldn’t have been abusing the kid and she deserved to get caught.
*The Agriculture Ministry has announced some sort of plan to help tobacco growers hurt by recent cutbacks in their industry. My attention was diverted at this point so I’m not really sure what the details are but I did turn back in time to catch a glimpse of an outraged area tobacco farmer.
*the province is trying to crack down on drivers who don’t stop for school busses. There is talk of hefty fines and all the usual things that are talked about when new laws are proposed.
I say just build some bigger and stronger school busses and let a few of these arseholes who think that their time is more valuable than everyone else’s get hit by one every now and then. If that won’t learn ya, nothing will.
*The Canadian Cancer Society has given out grants to 35 organizations who are doing research. Even I’m not heartless enough to make fun of that, nor am I in the mood to think of a way to do it. Actually that’s more the reason than the heartless bit.
*A local college is teaching a group of students how to build a drag racing car. I don’t see what could possibly go wrong there.
*Moving right along, people are building things for some sort of skills competition that I don’t quite understand. I’m not sure what they’re building, but it’s some sort of happy fun competition for young people hoping to get construction jobs. That’s right kids, aim high.
*Our Lady Of Grace Catholic School presented a production of A Mid Summer Night’s Dream today. The play was said to have gone off without any problems although many spectators said that they didn’t remember the part where the priest molested all of the child actors.
*I think our Government is a little nervous about the election and their chances of winning it. They haven’t even called the thing but they’ve already got their commercials all planned and produced, complete with attack ads aimed at the guy who’s in second place. That’s sort of funny because they’re in the middle of trying to make a big advertising scandal go away right now so you’d figure they wouldn’t be all that eager to get on the commercial production. Oh irony, how I love thee.
*The people responsible for kidnapping a Canadian man and holding him hostage in Iraq are asking for 50000 dollars to buy his release. Gees, I can think of a few people who need to watch a few more action movies. Everybody knows that the evil Arab guys never get what they want and that their plans for world domination are always foiled by a day saving martial arts expert. Come on guys, do a little research next time.
*Staying with hostages in Iraq we come to the guy who’s name eludes me right now, the one from the States who escaped and ended up getting rescued. It turns out that he actually escaped twice but he couldn’t get in contact with anybody from the US to help him get away so he ended up getting recaptured. Am I the only one who thinks that there’s more to that story than we’re getting?
I missed the rest of this story because the speech this dude gave was cracking me up. Not what he was saying, but the way he was saying it. I wish I could do voices in writing, it really needs to be heard. He sounded more scripted and wooden than most politicians if that helps.
But on a happy note, he is recovering in Germany and is looking forward to going home where he will resume his life as a local area resident with about 6 of his 15 minutes of fame left.
*Israel’s military fired a missile into a refugee camp in retaliation for an attack that took place over the weekend. I guess if you have to look on the bright side though it should be noted that nobody’s home was destroyed since well, everybody there was pretty much homeless anyway.
*More coverage of the return of SARS to China. But since SARS already gets way too much attention I’m not even going to bother joking about it right now. I’ll just mention that more people die every year from the flu and other illnesses and move on.
*Wild fires are continuing to burn in California.
In a related story, we have a new most tragic news item of the night, tragic because they’re eventually going to put those fires out, rendering my area residents were said to be crispy joke almost entirely unuseable.
*And at this point the recap is cut short since I was forced to run for my life when the fire alarm went off again. It turned out to be nothing more than somebody not knowing how to cook and burning something really bad so it wasn’t as much of an ordeal as last time. It did cause me to miss a bunch of the newscast however so I’m just cutting it here.
I hope that at least some of you enjoyed this. Maybe I’ll do it again some day, it was kind of fun. I guess only time will tell.
All I need now is one of those sign off things like newscasters use, one of those things like “that’s the way it is” or “that’s the kind of day it’s been,” something like that.
Wait, I’ve got it, check this out.
Yeah, that’s awesome, I think I’ll stick with it.