I know it’s not Christmas but this was emailed to me a little while ago and I thought I’d post it because it’s funny and because I have the ability to post things here.
Santa is GAY! I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth,
but I believe Santa’s gay. Christmas is a big, organized,
warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time
believing a straight man could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, think about the planning that goes into an
event like Christmas. Even Martha Stewart is envious.
Straight men have day jobs, so they wouldn’t have time to
stand at the local shopping malls and ring a bell all day.
But if you’re a gay, out-of-work Actor/Dancer/Waiter it’s
the perfect gig until you get your big break. Also, if he
were straight he would have picked a more masculine animal
than the reindeer to get him around, like horses or oxen,
but the reindeer just happens to appeal to Santa’s inherent
sense of grace and beauty. And those names: Dasher, Dancer,
Prancer, Vixen? Fill in the blanks.
Mrs. Claus has been married to him for eons and he’s never
fathered a child with her, she’s over-weight and still
content… Can you say “Fag-hag”?
Ever thought about the Rudolph story? He’s gay too! “All of
the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. They
never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games.” (as if
he wanted to). Isn’t Rudolph really a metaphor for the gay
child in a straight society anyway?
Ever ask yourself why fruitcake is the traditional dessert
at Christmas time? Well, now you know. And stop pretending
you don’t like it. Deep down inside, you’ve always liked
Other reasons why Santa can’t possibly be a straight man:
* Look at the size of the bag he packs for a one night trip!
* Red velvet, fur collar, black engineer boots… think people!
* Physically he’s a wet dream for the Girth and Mirth club
and the perfect poster model for GMSMA.
* Gay men have long been using stockings to hide their candy.
* Ho Ho / Homo… a little too similar if you ask me.
* That long over-night flight around the world taps into the
flight attendant gene. And one more thing, did you ever
know a straight man named Nicholas? Oh, straight society
has tried to butch up his image by calling him St. Nick,
but we know better. It’s Nicholas, damn it! Ms. Claus if
you’re nasty. Merry Christmas!