What am I trying to tell myself?

I’m awake very early from a strange dream I had. Wow. What a strange dream. I dreamed that I was at a family dinner of some kind. Maybe Christmas. We were all eating and everything seemed fine. My one uncle who is into gore started talking about stories about accidental deaths that involved blades. We were all grossed out, and some of us were telling him to stop, but he just kept going. This is normal for my uncle in real life, which makes the dream all the more freaky.

The next thing I know I’m outside with a bunch of us and someone’s cutting down a tree. This was a bit weird. The blade flies somehow and hits me. Somehow it slices away part of my skull and exposes all my organs. But miracle of miracles I’m still conscious. All I can say is, 911, 911! One of my uncles calls, and my gore-obsessed uncle, without apology just keeps telling horror stories. And there I am, still conscious, blood everywhere, and I can feel the blood, that’s the weird part. People are scurrying about, not sure what to do. All they can do is keep new people from getting close and sprayed with blood. Then my mom’s standing over me, completely silent. That’s when I know I’m real screwed if I didn’t know that already. She just stood there. I’m still able to talk and I’m like I hope all the king’s horses and all the king’s men can put humpty together again. She just stood there. She said in a completely calm voice, they can’t. It’s impossible. I protested, “But I’m not in pain and I’m still conscious. Wouldn’t I be dead already?” She said, “That is a surprise, but your heart is soon going to stop pumping blood to your brain and your brain can’t take the strain of being uncovered for so long. Try to be calm and relax and just let things happen as they may.” I try to take this all in. I get visions of instead of an ambulance arriving, an undertaker. I get visions of being locked in a coffin and buried alive. I get visions of being stitched together alive. Then I imagine that it’s going to be a closed casket funeral anyway, who would want to see this? I laugh and say, “Well I guess I do everything weird, even death.” Mom doesn’t laugh. Most people have left. There are just a few of us now. Mom and dad are sitting on either side of me, and the tree-cutting guy is lying in a heap in the corner sobbing. He’s just in total shock and no one’s helping him. I start to feel dizzy and my eyes start to close. I take a deep breath, smell the air, make one last attempt at a joke, touch mom and dad, try and absorb everything about the world that there is to take in. Suddenly there are too many things to appreciate…and then I wake up!

Boy I have never been so happy to be laying in my bed, not on some snow. How happy I am to see my head is whole and not in pieces. All I can say is, what the fuck? Is part of me saying I’m not appreciating things enough? I really hope this isn’t a premonition of some kind. Not that I believe in that crap, but woe. Is someone trying to tell me to live every day as if it were my last? Holy crap.

Well now that I don’t feel so frazzled, I think I’ll start getting things done. Nothing like a little death dream to get things moving.

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