United States Of Whatever

I noticed something during the press conference earlier today featuring President Bush and Prime Minister Martin that up to now I haven’t heard anybody else mention. It upsets me that I have to be the first to point this out since we should be able to leave it up to our news organizations to at least somewhat inform us of major events, but here goes anyway.

The most significant development today had nothing to do with any of the hot button issues that the experts predicted would dominate the day. Nothing to do with the economy, border security or anything else. No, it’s much more urgent than any of that and something needs to be done before it’s too late.

Ladies and gentlemen, George W Bush is a contagious disease, at least his language is. I had to step out of the room during the moment in question but if my hearing is accurate, and it usually is, then I heard Paul Martin say the word “nucular.” Not only did he say it, he said it twice, and I don’t remember ever hearing him say it before.

Some of you may think that I’m being alarmist and write this incident off as simply more of the pathetic ass kissing to which we have grown accustomed during the weeks and months leading up to the President’s visit, but I think that there’s something more sinister at work here. If you don’t believe me, maybe you’ll believe
CNN,
which reports that he’s already gotten to Tony Blair. The Blair infection is much more advanced however, having gone beyond language to extend into attitudinal similarities.

So the question now becomes not what’s going on here, but how do we stop it? Maybe the answer is medical, but until a cure is found there’s only one way to prevent Martin from suffering the same fate as Blair. Someone needs to create an international incident harmless enough that nobody is injured or killed but at the same time severe enough that President Bush and Prime Minister Martin don’t want to talk with each other unless they absolutely have to do so, and that person has to do it fast. And the way I see it, Martin has to go to bat for himself this time.

For the sake of his health, Paul Martin needs to sleep with Laura Bush, and he needs to do it soon. Maybe some of you reading this might have better ideas but the way I look at it, I can’t think of many other things that would piss old George off sufficiently enough to cause him to adopt a strictly business because it has to be for political reasons relationship with Martin.

Sure, it would probably piss him off so much that he’d mess with trade relations more than he already has, but come on, a man’s life is hanging in the balance, I think we can all make a sacrifice here. Who’s with me? Nobody? That’s what I figured, you terrorists.

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