Writing Your Letters So You Don’t Have To

If you’re like a lot of parents, you probably can’t be assed to help your kids write their yearly letters to Santa. Well thankfully for you, help has arrived in the form of
The Santa Letter Generator.

Just click that link, select your options, hit submit, and you’ve got a nice little note to mail off to the North Pole.

Here’s an example of this excelent resource at work. This is the letter I’ll be sending off just as soon as I’m sober enough to hit the post office.

Dear Obese Trespassing Altruist,

This year, I have been a very passive aggressive little advertising tampon. I have compulsively pillaged, and I have rarely helped my mommy’s “special friend” with their pyramid schemes. And I always say thank you, which makes me seem like I care, and so I deserve lots of age-inappropriate pants this year!

Please bring all this stuff for me and the people in my life: For my mommy, please bring the onset of menopause. For my daddy, please bring a new topaz-studded ass plug. For my little brother, please bring fingernail polish. For my hampster, please bring non-surgical sterilization. Oh – and for my mail man, please bring some work ethic.

Now about me! Please bring me all of the Spongebob Squarepants beer coozies, and front row tickets to GWAR – plus backstage passes so I can get airborne Chlamydia! Oh, and please don’t forget to bring my amputee Afghan orphan. But if you can’t, just remember that more than anything Santa, what I really really want is just $1,000,000!

Anyway, I hope you like the cognac I left out for you.

Breathlessly,

Steve

PS: Please say Merry Christmas to the baby Jesus.

PPS: Oh yeah, and remember Matt? He has been a really selfish weener all year long and doesn’t deserve any Christmas presents. So please don’t forget to put ebola in their stocking. Thanks!

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