Why I’m Glad Christmas Is Over

It’s not the religion. It’s not those annoying songs. It’s not even that people become more fake than usual at this time of year because “it’s the holidays so we should all love one another.” No, my reason for being glad the holiday season is finally at it’s end is much worse than the horror that is any of those. Quite simply, now that Christmas is over, they’ll finally stop shoing that stupid Canadian Tire commercial on TV. Anybody who knows what I’m talking about is probably wondering which one I mean since they’re all stupid, but to me, this one takes the cake. I’m talking about the Christmas themed one that didn’t feature the regular plot of man advertising to the guy next door or marketing to his family gushing about the new Mastercraft toilet paper that he found only at Canadian Tire. No, I mean the other Christmas one, the one that started showing up sometime around November or so.

There’s a family getting ready for Christmas. They’re happy, they’re shopping, they’re finding great deals at Canadian Tire, things couldn’t be better. But wait, something is wrong. The cute little kid, or at least what they’d like us to believe is a cute little kid is not happy and doesn’t think that Christmas is coming. And why? Because as he puts it in that little voice of his that makes me want to kick him down 17 flights of stairs every time I hear it, “Santa isn’t coming because we don’t have a fireplace!” Sorry, let me try that again. “Thanta ithn’t coming becauthe we don’t have a fiow-plathe!” There, that’s more like it.

So time passes, the family is still happy, and the lisping little bastard is getting more and more upset because “Chrithtmath” can’t possibly come due to his family’s lack of a fireplace and Santa’s inability to find his way in without it. It’s around this time when I start wondering if he’s got any friends in apartment buildings who could set him straight, but that’s neither here nor there so we’ll move on.

Ok, it’s Christmas and the moment of truth has arrived for our little friend. Did “Thanta” make it to his “houthe?” Is there going to be a “Chrithmath?” Well of course there is, it’s a commercial, and commercials always have happy endings at Christmas when you’re supposed to part with your money. The kid gets his “fiow-plathe,” everybody else gets their stuff, all is merry and bright for all…accept me, because it’s at this point that the logical part of my brain kicks in and this commercial goes from being simply annoying to being complete nonsense.

Follow me here:
Kid doesn’t think that Santa is coming because his family doesn’t have a fireplace so he can’t get in.
Christmas comes and the family has a fireplace.
Kid freaks out because Santa brought the fireplace for them.

Are you seeing my point yet? If Santa can’t get into the house, how the hell did he get that fireplace in there without using a little technique that most of us might call a break and enter? And if the kid is smart enough to figure out that Santa Claus doesn’t have an entrance, how did he miss that? I mean for God sakes, who do they have writing this stuff, the people who write for Smackdown? It makes about as much sense and it’s just about as frustrating to watch.

Oh well, at least that horrible piece of advertising is gone for the year, and hopefully for good. If not, I guess I can just put it down as one more reason why we’re all supposed to drink so much at Christmas time.

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