I wish I knew who wrote this, it’s hilarious.
Common sense horoscope
ARIES (March 21-April 19) Paying more than $700 for a lollipop could be financially unsound. Opt for a mundane evening at home over a three-state crime spree. Avoid fire.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Using words may help you communicate your thoughts. Reconsider plans to have your eyelids sewn shut. Keep sulfuric acid away from children.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20) Don’t leave your money lying out where bad people can steal it. Eating food may supply much-needed nutrients. Resist an urge to defecate on your evening meal.
CANCER (June 21-July 22) Unprotected sex with people who have AIDS could have unhealthy consequences. You may regret incinerating your prize possessions. Don’t wink at psycopaths.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) A loved one advises you to wear protective eyegear while brandishing an acetylene torch. Emitting socially unacceptable noises could spoil an intimate moment.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) A job could provide a useful source of income. Resist an impulse to curse out your employer. Cooperation on a key project is more effective than backstabbing.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Avoid pointing a loaded weapon at your head while cleaning it this evening. Loved ones may not appreciate suggestions that they are stupid.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Don’t trust strangers who offer to take your money and double it. Regular breathing may help provide oxygen to the brain. Consider sleeping tonight.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) You are wise not to taunt a surly motorcycle gang. Consuming a fifth of Jack Daniels could lead to trouble. Refrain from peeing in public today.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Avoid smashing other vehicles when driving today. An authority figure prohibits you from going 145 mph. Using the steering wheel will help get you where you want to go.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) A puppy may make a better pet than even the most amiable scorpion. Reaching into boiling water could be painful. Kindness is preferable to manslaughter.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) Apply sunscreen when lying motionless on the beach for more than 8 hours. Too much liposuction may lead to complications. Going to the bathroom may aid your digestion.