You Wanna Go Where Everybody Knows Your…Initials?

Until today, I thought that I had either experienced or heard about every kind of telemarketing stupidity there was. But as it turns out, I was wrong, very very wrong.

Let me set the scene for you. I’m sitting at the computer, trying to get a little work done, when suddenly the phone rings. I know it’s a telemarketer because I have Caller ID, but I also know that it’s best to answer the phone and get talking to them over with otherwise they’ll start calling my house every damn day until I do.

So I pick up the phone, hoping that it’s my phone company because they’re pretty awesome and most of the time when they call I end up saving myself a little money, but no, it’s not them. It’s the ITC Group calling on behalf of Capital One, and they’re looking to speak with S MyLastNameGoesHere. Completely taken aback by this, I say “who?” And the woman comes back with “I’m looking for a person with the first initial S and the last name” she says my last name again. Partly because I’m not thinking quickly enough due to not being fully awake even though I’ve been up for 2 hours by this point and partly because I can’t believe what I’m hearing, the best thing I can come up with in response is “I don’t know who that is, my name is Frank Johnson.” The woman apologizes for the mistake, even calling me Frank as she does so, and then hangs up.

Folks, this marks a new low in telemarketing history, I’m not kidding. I honestly wonder what they must be thinking when they make up these lists.

Marketing Genius Number 1: “Oh, we don’t know this guy’s name, but I’m sure he won’t notice, let’s call him anyway.”

Marketing Genius Number 2: “But won’t it make our drones look like idiots when they have to ask if Some Guy is around?”

Marketing Genius Number 1: “Who cares, we don’t have to do it.”

Marketing Genius Number 2: “Good point, write him in.”

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I don’t do business with these people when they do know who they’re looking for, so what makes them think that anybody is going to want whatever their service is when they don’t even know who they want to talk to? In fact, what they’re really doing is turning away a potential customer by not only invading the person’s home uninvited and unwanted, but then further insulting that person by not even having the common courtesy to know who he or she is once they get there.

Guys, it’s simple. If you don’t know who I am, don’t call my house unless it’s an accident or a prank phone call. And if you’re going with the prank phone call, please, for the love of God make it a good one. A lot of you really suck at it, but that’s another post for another time.

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