Me Talk Good, For Serious

First off I want to apologize for my lack of posts over the last few weeks. I can’t promise that things are going to get much better over the next little while because of Summer and circumstances, but come on, at least I’m being honest with you and making an attempt to appear as though I feel bad about it. I deserve credit for that, right? Right? Somebody? Anybody? Ok, whatever. Ingrates, every last one of you. But you’re our ingrates, and we love you all.

Speaking of which, a huge thank you to everyone who has been checking out the ads and clicking on them. It’s much appreciated.

And while I’m thanking people, indulge me for just a few more seconds while I make myself sound like a total fag.

Thank you,
Derek Edwards.
You made me laugh yesterday at a time when nothing in the world seemed funny. I’ve always been a huge fan of your work, but last night you made me into an even bigger one. I’ve known for years that comedy can be a very powerful thing, but not many people out there could have done what you did for me.

Now I’ll take the penis out of my ass and we’ll move along. But hey, every now and then it doesn’t hurt to be a little bit serious.

Something struck me last night while I was watching a bit of TV. Yeah, something fell off a shelf and hit me. Ok, that was stupid, I’m sorry. It won’t happen again, at least not until next time.

Let’s try that again.

I realized yesterday while watching TV that people have no idea how to properly use words anymore. Ok, maybe I didn’t actually realize it yesterday since I’m pretty sure I’ve complained about this once or twice before, but I saw 2 examples within about 30 minutes of each other that really drove the point home.

During the news there was a report about the ongoing investigation into last week’s bombings in London. It said that police had learned more about the timing of the blasts. According to the reporter, who’s name I can’t think of, a few of the bombs “were detonated simultaneously, all within less than a minute of each other.> That confused me, and I couldn’t pay attention to the rest of the story because I was trying to decide whether the explosions had in fact happened simultaneously or if, as also stated in the same sentence, they had taken place a few seconds apart. The thought of starting my own investigation even crossed my mind at one point, but thankfully reason was able to trump curiosity and I realized that I’m far too lazy to complete such an undertaking. I did however find the energy to
look up the word simultaneously,
which our reporter friend probably should have done before voice went to tape and tape went to air.

Then, just a few minutes later while I was flipping back and forth between a documentary and a football game, I saw a commercial for a special deal that Dish Network was offering. It said that for a limited time, I could get free installation and one of those DVR things for one low price if I ordered satellite service through them. “Not a bad deal” I thought to myself as the nice man kept talking. But then I heard this:

“If you act now, you can get 60 great channels as well as HBO and ShowTime for just $19.99 a month for 3 months.”

I don’t know about the rest of you, but when I heard that, all I could think was are HBO and ShowTime really that bad? And if they are, why would Dish be using that as a selling point? You’d think they’d want to keep it quiet, you know, just sneak those 2 in there and hope nobody finds out. Honestly, would saying something along the lines of “if you act now you can get 62 great channels including HBO and ShowTime for just $19.99 per month for 3 months” have been that hard? It doesn’t ruin the flow of things at all and it prevents you from insulting 2 very popular TV networks and from making your company look stupid.

I can’t figure out how it is that nobody noticed that throughout the entire process. Somebody had to write it, a room full of people would have had to approve it, another person would have had to say it while other people listened to him and another guy recorded it. Oh, and then they would have had to screen it to make sure that everything was perfect before they sent it off to all of the TV stations that were going to play it. The fact that nobody along the way stopped and said “hey, we might want to do something about this” frightens me just a little. Did they not notice, or worse yet, did they simply think we wouldn’t? That would certainly speak volumes about what Dish Network thinks of it’s customers but whatever the case, somebody should have caught it. I guess that’s what I’m here for, but I bet I’ll never see a dime for my consulting services, those greedy pricks.

Now let’s finish this up with something I found in the old
inbox
this morning. People’s timing is really good sometimes.

HOW TO WRITE GOOD
by Frank L. Visco

My several years in the word game have learnt me several rules:

1… Avoid alliteration. Always.

2… Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3… Avoid cliches like the plague. (They’re old hat.)

4… Employ the vernacular.

5… Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

6… Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

7… It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

8… Contractions aren’t necessary

9… Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

10.. One should never generalize.

11.. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”

12.. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

13.. Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.

14.. Profanity sucks.

15.. Be more or less specific.

16.. Understatement is always best.

17.. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

18.. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19.. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

20.. The passive voice is to be avoided.

21.. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

22.. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

23.. Who needs rhetorical questions?

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