A while ago over on The Devil You Don’t Know, there was a link to a page all about the evils of masturbation. After I recovered from spasms of laughter from reading these ridiculous claims, I decided to dissect this disgusting passage over here because I just couldn’t resist. Anything this outlandish is just asking to be ripped to shreds. My comments will be in italics.
This page is dedicated to exposing the REAL Number One Public Health Problem in America today: Masturbation. If you have come here looking for Jokes or
Humour about Masturbation, then you have come to the wrong place! But if you have come to be Educated on the Straight Facts about the EVILS of Masturbation,
Is there a link between Masturbation and the Assault on America?
for the shocking answer!
Unable to resist clicking there for the shocking answer, I received this line of drivel.
Is Masturbation Behind the Assault on America?
My friend, if you ever had any doubt that Masturbation, Violence and Liberalism are the inseparable causes of the current Assault on America!
Hey dude, where did the end of that sentence go? Did it unite with logic and find its way far from the rest of your writing? Get a proofreader.
MASTURBATION EQUALS VIOLENCE! How can any honest person believe otherwise in the face of the overwhelming evidence presented here?
As of yet, you have produced 0 evidence. Prove, and then talk about evidence.
The one thing that the authors of these messages
What messages? Your messages? Hmmm. Perhaps you’re just exposing your own guilty secrets.
have in common, other than the fact that they are all seething powderkegs of homicidal fury, is that they all MASTURBATE!
And how would you know this? Were you in all of their bathrooms and bedrooms? that would imply that you’re, um, sleeping with the enemy. >
LIBERALISM EQUALS VIOLENCE! Note well the Liberal political philosophies parroted by so many of these diatribes!
What diatribes? Show me!
This proves more than ever that ALL Liberal
political movements, including Feminism, Communism, Kalistaism, Vegetarianism, the Democratic Party and the current “Peace” movement, are nothing but violent
death cults fueled by the evil hatred that comes from Chronic Masturbation!
No bud, it just proves that you are a paranoid, stereotyping, closed-minded, empty-headed wacko with an overactive imagination and an aversion to thinking logically. Nothing you’ve said has come anywhere close to making sense.
Can anything be more chilling than a warning that you are on a list of victims
to be “killed by people with open minds and accepting personalities?”
I am? Where is this list and how did you find it? Snooping through their dresser drawers again while joining in on their jacking off sessions I see?? And it wouldn’t be very chilling if the warning came from you, since it would be as full of bullshit as the rest of this page.
There is nothing further on that page. That was an answer? That sounded more like pointless rhetoric. Back to the original page that I read the first time.
Masturbation is more dangerous than smoking. Doctors of a generation ago knew this, but since the Sexual Revolution of the 1960’s, this fact has been lost
in the “if it feels good, do it” mentality.
How about it getting proven incorrect by scientific study? I can’t find a journal article, but this article makes a hell of a lot more logical sense than what follows.
Myth: Masturbation is harmless.
Reality: Christianity proves that chronic Masturbation causes weakness, depression, forgetfulness and nearsightedness.
and since when did all Christians get to become doctors?
Myth: There are bigger problems than Masturbation, like drugs and AIDS.
Reality: Experts estimate that there are at least 150,000 Americans masturbating RIGHT NOW!
And this is a problem because…? I’m sure there are more sleeping, eating, driving cars, and doing who knows what else.
Masturbation costs American businesses at least $3.14 billion
in lost productivity every month!
Through what survey? Since when did the boss know his/her employees were masturbating and that’s why they were late for work? That boss is a little too acquainted with his/her employees.
Myth: Masturbation is not immoral.
Reality: Read your Bible. God was so offended when Onan spilled his seed upon the ground that God struck Onan dead! It is true that Onan wasn’t Masturbating,
but the point is that God hates it when men waste sperm, no matter what the reason.
So you’ve basically defeated your own case because you couldn’t find evidence to back it up. And isn’t killing immoral too? Looks like god did worse than the guy he killed. But we tend to forget this.
Myth: Masturbation is a “Victimless Crime.”
Reality: Theological experts on Masturbation have come to the conclusion that Masturbation is what is known as a “gateway” sin. This means that Masturbation
leads to more serious offenses. In fact, practically all rapists, Sodomites, child molesters and pornography addicts started out as Masturbators.
This will become ridiculous shortly.
Myth: Americans value their “Freedom” and will never stand for Masturbation being outlawed.
Reality: Oral and anal sex are already illegal in several States, and people like it that way! Masturbatory devices are already
illegal in Texas,
and the Police in San Antonio and Austin have aggressively enforced this law, even going as far as to torture clerks that worked in stores that sold indecently-shaped
soap and candles, and there has been no public outcry.
And this is good? Lots of things happen that are less than decent and people don’t say anything. If anything this just shows apathy, not agreement. I’m sure we don’t like what happens in Guantanamo Bay, but we feel there’s nothing we can do. That is such bullshit. “He’s not saying anything. He mustn’t mind.” It’s enough to make your head spin.
Myth: But everyone’s doing it!
Reality: Surveys have repeatedly shown that up to 5% of Americans don’t Masturbate.
Stop! right! there! If 95% of us are masturbating, then of course rapists and pedophiles and…what did it say? rapists, Sodomites, child molesters and pornography addicts…started off as masturbators! But that tells us nothing. That’s like saying that eating vegetables is bad because all criminals admitted to eating vegetables and then saying that most of us eat vegetables. Awfully large gateway there. And if masturbation was such a problem, and 95% of us do it, then wouldn’t society be in complete shambles? I know things are kind of messed up, but our whole system would be caving in. Chaos would reign. It’s not, thus, this is pure bullshit.
How to stop the current epidemic of Self-Abuse in America? We need the same tactics and the same kind of get-tough attitude that has been so successful
in the War On Drugs!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! On what planet has the war on drugs succeeded? Please show me the success. I see the number of drug arrests increasing, the number of drug-related deaths increasing despite the war on drugs, and people thinking it would just be easier to legalize some drugs. Wow, what a successful venture you have there.
Control of Paraphernalia: Drug abuse has been slashed by the outlawing of drug accessories such as syringes and marijuana pipes.
Syringes have been outlawed?
If we are to get tough on Masturbation, we must eliminate Masturbatory paraphernalia. This means outlawing such things as:
1. “Personal Vibrators” and other Masturbatory devices such as dildos and blow-up dolls.
no matter what their shape, must be banned.
I don’t know about you, but when I see a candle, my first thought is not “Ooo, great sex toy!” It makes me wonder about the author of this crap.
2. ALL indecent art. This includes paintings, sculptures and photographs. We don’t need the Victoria’s Secret catalog! Simple, modest underwear would sell
itself and minimize unGodly temptations.
All I can say about this is, loosen up, dude.
3. Certain food. If we outlaw dildos and require that all sausages, cucumbers and carrots be sold pre-sliced, we will make it much easier for the women
among us to resist the temptation to Masturbate.
Yeah, because seeing a sausage makes me horny.
Intensive urine testing: Christians have discovered that men produce sperm cells constantly. All that sperm has to go somewhere! If an unmarried man doesn’t
masturbate, all the sperm cells he produces end up in his urine. It would be very simple to require unmarried men to submit frequent urine samples, which
could then be examined under a microscope. If an unmarried man has a low concentration of sperm cells in his urine, it means he has been having orgasms
one way or another! Therefore he is guilty of either Masturbation or Fornication and should be imprisoned!
And we have room for all these men whose sole crime is masturbation where? If you think masturbation is causing drops in productivity, imagine what imprisonment because of it will do? And research shows that if you don’t masturbate, and you are a man, you will have wet dreams. So one way or another, it will find its way out. And who’s to say that married men aren’t masturbating? How come they get off, so to speak, so easy?
Random urine testing in the War On Drugs has
been a very powerful weapon! We should not hesitate to harness it for use in the War On Masturbation!
And we know how well that war’s going.
Zero Tolerance! Zero Tolerance has been a rallying cry in the War On Drugs, and is a policy that should be enacted immediately in the War On Masturbation!
Any amount of Masturbation is too much! Any person caught touching his or her genitals without a solid, medically-approved reason should be imprisoned
in a boot camp. We will teach our children that God did not give us genitals for entertainment.
And how many people will be caught touching themselves? Unless you’re going to invade people’s bathrooms and take away the last shred of privacy?
Property Seizure: Many police departments will seize the cars and homes of people who are caught with drugs. Americans For Purity has called for the homes
and cars of people who are caught Masturbating to be taken away without due process and auctioned off, with the money going to anti-Masturbation law enforcement.
Because we need our justice system to become more arbitrary than it already is.
Surgery: Certain supposedly “primitive” tribes in Africa have completely eliminated Masturbation among their women! How was this amazing feat accomplished?
Through a very simple operation called a Clitoridectomy, which is analogous to circumcision in the male. (Clitoridectomy has gotten a bad reputation in
the West, but only because in Africa it is often done with crude instruments, without anaesthesia, and under unsanitary conditions. When it is mandated
in America it will, of course, be done in a sterile, modern operating room with anaesthesia.) A woman who has had a Clitoridectomy is permanently cured
of Masturbation and other lascivious behaviour, but the Godless bureaucrats in Washington, D.C. have had the audacity to OUTLAW this operation! One of the
main goals of Americans For Purity is to not only repeal the laws against Clitoridectomy, but to make it mandatory for female children (who will never
miss the part that is removed if it is done early enough). And surgery isn’t just for Females! Many have suggested Castration or Clitoridectomy for adult
Males or Females that are repeat Masturbatory offenders.
They miss the point that not only does that “cure” them of masturbation, but it makes sex miserable too. If nature put it there, leave it the fuck alone! And if we have to castrate every repeat masturbator, didn’t they say that 95% of us do it? Well I guess there goes our population.
Chemotherapy: In the last few years, Doctors have begun to use a class of drugs known as Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs such as Prozac and
Celexa) to combat the Depression that accompanies Chronic Masturbation.
Nope, try again. They use those to combat *depression*.
The primary Therapeutic benefit of SSRIs is achieved by enhancing the action of
Serotonergic neurons in the Raphe Nucleus of the midbrain that inhibit the Orgasm reflex. A patient who takes an SSRI is cured of Masturbation because
he or she finds that it takes an hour of intensive effort to achieve a disappointingly anti-climactic Orgasm. After the patient gives up on Masturbating,
his or her Depression improves dramatically.
That is a side-effect!
Officials are studying a plan to routinely add SSRIs to soft drinks and school meals.
Is everyone else’s stomach turning? Who are these officials, and let’s get them out of office! I hope that along with the rest of the crap on this page, they are fictitious.
And that is all they had to say, except for a graphic labelled “scientific proof” and a link to where to buy anti-masturbation equipment, frightening as it is that it still exists. All I can say is I hope this leader is very unconvincing. We don’t need him/her leading anyone.