Well, excuse me for being a supreme asshole. Come listen to my story about a neighbour named let’s call her…Stupidhead. At first I noticed that she liked to smoke a lot. So much that it seeped into my house. Then I noticed that she had a lot of loud friends. I started to learn that these friends were…well..members of the more unsavory crowd. Some had just gotten out of jail, others were not below pulling a knife on Stupidhead, others liked to threaten to beat up her friends, and others were just plain crackheads! This parade of slime has been going in and out of her house for months now.
Now, yesterday, I hear, knock knock knock. it’s a distraught Stupidhead. She’s been robbed…again. This is the third time she’s been robbed in two months. She claims that the other two times she’s been robbed, they’ve climbed through her window, but she has not tried to lock all her windows. This time, the thieves meant business. Along with taking all of Stupidhead’s food, they also took all of Stupidhead’s money, which includes a couple months’ worth of rent…just before her eviction hearing. Hey Stupidhead, maybe instead of holding onto your rent money, maybe you should, um, pay the rent. Or at the very least, maybe you should put it in the bank. Oh yeah, despite the fact you’ve been robbed twice before, you still don’t have a bank account, and you put all your money in a hole in your mattress! Do you see, boys and girls, why Stupidhead is an apt name?
So, it’s very hard to have sympathy for her. She claims it’s all because she lives downtown in an apartment building with no surveillance. I have a better theory, chief. I think it’s caused by associating with slime! I have lived here much longer than her, and I’ve never had random thieves slipping through my window and stripping my house bare. The tenant she replaced, sob sob, lived here for upwards of ten years, and nothing happened to him. And I am to believe this load of crap? I don’t think so. Sure I think it sucks that all of Stupidhead’s food is gone. I think it’s a horrible lesson…oh wait, it’s not a lesson because she’ll never learn. She’s Stupidhead, remember?