Before I start, a couple quick things.
We had a complaint on the boards earlier about our choice of topic for the week, so I want to quickly address that. Will the topics always be negative? I have no idea. Planning ahead has never been one of those things that we’re overly good at. But it’s worth pointing out that none of us are forcing you to read anything we write. If you don’t like a post, feel free to stop reading it and skip ahead to the next one. And if ever there comes a time when you find yourself skipping more stuff than you actually read, by all means, feel free to stop coming here. If you went to a restaurant 3 times and got shitty service and bad food during every visit, I’m sure you probably wouldn’t be in any sort of huge hurry to go back. So why should this, or any other website, be any different? People have stopped reading us before, but we’re still here. It happens. People change, and their ideas about what’s funny or interesting or worthwhile change right along with them. Sometimes that means that we just don’t fit into their plans anymore, and that’s ok with us. We don’t spend a whole lot of time getting broken up over it. Bottom line: If you find yourself disagreeing with something that one of us has said and you’ve got a good reason for it, please, let us know. Constructive debate is fun, and it’s lead to a lot of interesting discussions and posts here over the years. But if you outright hate something that we’re probably not going to change any time soon and don’t have any sort of reasoning for your feelings beyond “eeewww, I don’t like it, you guys smell,” use some of that free will stuff and move along to something that’s more your style.
I’d also like to take a second to thank Matt for all the love. And by the way dude, I’m still waiting for you to show your face at one of these infights. If you had any sack, we would have settled this by now.
And speaking of sack…
13 PEOPLE WHO NEED A GOOD KICK IN THE NUTS
Just like when Matt and Carin did it, these are in no particular order.
1. Drivers who decide that even though the right of way is mine and I’ve started walking that they’re just gonna head on through anyway and I guess hope for the best.
2. Chatty assholes who feel the need to distract me while I’m trying to work. I
covered this a long time ago,
go read it, it’s fun.
3. People in broadcasting who can’t read or talk. Anybody who’s ever listened to any of my shows knows that sometimes I have trouble with both, but who doesn’t? I’m not talking about me though, I’m talking about serious chronic repeat offenders here. People like the woman who anchors my local news on the weekends a lot of the time. She sucks. I remember a time when she was reading a story on the dangers of certain types of insulation and she came out with this gem. “To ensure that there is no danger in your home, be sure to check your addict for ass-pest-tose.” Ok, so for the sake of my safety, I need to be on the lookout for a guy sucking on a crack pipe who’s got a needle in his arm and insulation falling out his ass. got it…I think, at least I do if ever I learn what ass-pest-tose is. It probably wouldn’t have pissed me off nearly so much if I hadn’t have sat there listening to her over-annunciate and mispronounce everything for a good 20 minutes before that, but then again maybe it would have, who’s to say? Well ok, I am, because it probably would have. These words aren’t all that hard. At least when I trip up, it’s usually on somebody’s long ass foreign name that there’s no way anybody other than him has any chance of getting even half way right. We’re talking about attic and asbestos here. They’re common words, and it’s not unthinkable to expect somebody who talks for a living to know them and get them right.
4. News reporters who stand next to somebody who’s home has just been destroyed by a fire or something and feel it necessary to ask a question along the lines of “so, your house and everything in it has been taken away from you and your lives are obviously in turmoil. How are you folks feeling right about now?” That’s just cruel. It’s kind of like asking a homeless guy out on a date and saying “so, your place or…oh yeah, never mind.”
5. TV evangelists, for no other reason than that they are TV evangelists. Come on, what more reason do you need?
6. Some of those religious people who try to hand you books and talk to you about Christ while you’re trying to get somewhere. I remember years ago when I lived in Brantford, I actually had one of these guys step in my way on the street after I said I didn’t want to talk and tried to keep walking. That by itself is bad enough, but then he looked me dead in the face and said “you know, if you and your parents had accepted the lord and saviour Jesus Christ into your lives, maybe you wouldn’t be where you are right now,” obviously a shot at the fact that I was blind. The best response I could manage short of knocking him the fuck out or maybe kicking him in the nuts was simply “fuck off,” after which I stepped around him and kept walking. But I never forgot about that guy, and he’s one of the reasons why I have such a low opinion of organized religion.
7. Music fans who suddenly start to hate their favourite band as soon as that band gets even a tiny bit famous. If they get famous by changing their style to something totally different and completely crappy, then go ahead, hate them until you run out of hate, you’ll hear no complaints from me. But if they’ve managed to get famous through hard work while staying true to what they are, why hate them unless you’re not really a music fan at all, but more a fan of looking like you know something that a lot of people don’t? Newsflash: it doesn’t make you cool, and nobody cares. Lighten up, and be sure to enjoy the music.
8. Simon Cowell. He’s not constructive, he’s not intimidating, he’s not even funny. All he is is a gimmick, and not even a good one. whenever I see an Idol commercial or happen upon a conversation during which somebody says “what will Simon think?” it’s more than enough to make me not only want to kick the man in the nuts, but then proceed to stomp them into scrotum jello.
9. PC douche nozels who get offended on behalf of other people. Seriously, cut that shit out. Everybody has their own set of standards, and all of us are more than capable of figuring out when we should be upset. We don’t need you to help us out, so feel free to go do something useful with your time, like maybe run in front of a bus.
10. Those flaming ass magnets who have it in their heads that I have nothing better to do than take their phone calls at 2 in the morning on a week night, or even on a weekend for that matter. I have trouble sleeping sometimes, but that doesn’t mean I don’t need to or never try.
11. People who ask a question and then pay no attention to the answer. I can’t count the number of times that somebody has sent me an email in the morning that includes something like “so, what have you got going on today,” to which I’ll reply and list a half million different things I need or want to do. I send it off, and not 5 minutes later, the phone will ring, and 9 times out of 10 it’ll be the same person I just sent the email to, calling for no better reason than because they just wanna chat. Then to top it all off, these stupid imbeciles have the nerve to act hurt when I say I don’t have time to talk right now because I’m busy. I should mention that every time this happens, and I’m talking without fucking fail here, when I ask, every single one of them says that yes, they got my message a minute ago. Sorry partner, but if you don’t respect me enough to listen to what it is I’m actually saying, then I give less than a fuck that I made you feel bad. It wasn’t even me who made you feel bad, you did it, and it’s not my problem. Now get off my phone, I’ve got shit to do. If you don’t’ believe me, go check your goddamn email. And here’s an idea, maybe try actually reading the shit for once. Ok, that one kinda got away from me there, let’s move on.
12. Everyone who thinks that if they call me as many times as they can in as short a timeframe as possible, that I’ll suddenly materialize and pick up the phone. Or as I like to call them, many of the people I know.
We’ve been down this road before, but I think it’s worth going down again.
13. People who buy things from spam. Stop that! You’re ruining the internet for all of us, you pricks.
13 and a half. Lou Dobbs. He kinda bugs me and
says she hates him, so he’s in.
That was fun, and I’m much happier than I was when I woke up this morning.
I’ll be back later, but I’m not sure if it’ll be with something positive or negative. So stay tuned unless uncertainty frightens you.