Have you ever sat there doing what you think is a step in the direction where you want to take your life and then you suddenly wonder if you’ve made the biggest mistake possible and is this really what you want the rest of your life to contain?
I’m sitting here answering phones at a distress line. one of the people who phones a lot calls and talks. The same shit that has happened to her before is happening and she’s sad because of her predicament. I used to care. I used to empathize. I used to try and genuinely listen. But today, I could have given two shits. I just wanted to be off the phone. I am so frustrated, burned out, pissed off. What is the point of giving your heart and soul if it doesn’t do any good? More often than not, I see the same thing in every volunteer job I do. I see women going back to their abusers, callers going through the same things, people I help just pulling bullshit. My mind says it’s a tough road and there are always going to be setbacks, you cannot judge, you just have to do your part. It also tries to remind me of all the positives. Then an evil part of my mind blames me for feeling this way. it knows I probably invest way too much in everything I do, and if I’d just behaved with some level of sanity, I wouldn’t be feeling this. But I don’t know how else to be! I’m trying to stop myself from getting so deeply involved in everything, but I’ve always felt I had to go the extra mile. now I have to untrain myself, and I don’t know where to begin.
But my heart just screams! It wants to shut down! it wants to stop trying, and it doesn’t know where this rush of complete and utter apathy is coming from. I left this morning tired because my body decided I wasn’t getting more than about 2 hours’ sleep, but that was it. I hoped I’d have a good shift. That was all I thought. There was no dread, there was nothing telling me this was coming. Now, it’s hit me like a ton of bricks, and the suddenness of it is shocking!
So…it’s probably nothing. And many have seen worse than I have and they keep on truckin’, so what is my problem? My worst thought is if this isn’t what I’m supposed to do, what am I supposed to do? Will I find something satisfying ever?
And then another thought yells from inside my head. “Stop being such a baby. Probably everybody has had these thoughts, and there are bigger problems to worry about than whether or not you’re happy in whatever job you end up doing. Shut up and wait for the next call.”
It’s probably true. I’m sure after a good night’s sleep, I won’t feel this overwhelming need to forget about everything in the social work field and run madly in another direction. I just had to write it down to stop it from eating away at me all shift. Hopefully I’ll have something happier to write later.