>This Is So Wacky

>Apparently this is a real guide to overcoming the problem of masturbation that was put out by Mormons in the 1970’s. It is, as you would probably expect, completely ridiculous and quite amusing.

3. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don’t suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things.

5. When in bed, if that is where you have your problem for the most part, dress yourself for the night so securely that you cannot easily touch your vital parts, and so that it would be difficult and time consuming for you to remove those clothes. By the time you started to remove protective clothing you would have sufficiently controlled your thinking that the temptation would leave you.

12. During your toileting and shower activities leave the bathroom door or shower curtain partly open, to discourage being alone in total privacy. Take cool brief showers.

18. It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object to use in overcoming this problem. A Book of Mormon, firmly held in hand, even in bed at night has proven helpful in extreme cases.

19. In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken. This can also be accomplished by wearing several layers of clothing which would be difficult to remove while half asleep.

I noticed something while I was reading this. There sure are a lot of mixed messages here if you read between the lines a little. You probably won’t get that sense from the little bit I’ve quoted here, but if you red the whole thing you’ll see what I’m talking about. What the hell, I’ll start you off with a few examples.

  • For starters, the name of the guy who wrote this thing has the word peter in it. How are we supposed to stop thinking about our problem if the object of our desire’s name is on the front cover?
  • For somebody who wants us to stop beating off, he sure mentions coming a lot.
  • There’s a line in one of these tips that suggests making a pocket calendar, but I thought that the point of this whole thing was to get men to keep their hands out of their pockets.
  • One of the tips includes the words “arise immediately in the mornings.” Isn’t that part of the problem?

I’m sure you can find more, and if you feel like trying, or just feel like having a good laugh at the expense of people different from us, you can read the whole thing by clicking
here.
Just remember to keep your hands off your mouse while you’re there.

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