All I Wanna Do Is Wipe My Bum

Let me start this off by saying that if it weren’t for ideas that sounded crazy but actually worked, our world would be a much different place than it is today. But that said, not every crazy idea turns out to be a good one, and as much as some may want to argue, sometimes you can spot a bad one from miles away.

Such is the case with a recent suggestion
put forward
by Sheryl Crow, who on a recent climate change awareness tour proposed that toilet paper use be limited to 1 square per visit. No, I’m not making this up.

“I have spent the better part of this tour trying to come up with easy ways for us all to become a part of the solution to global warming. Although my ideas are in the earliest stages of development, they are, in my mind, worth investigating,” she writes.

“One of my favorites is in the area of conserving trees, which we heavily rely on for oxygen.

“I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting.… We can make it work with only one square per restroom visit.”

Crow acknowledges there could be occasions when the one-square limit might not suffice, such as “on those pesky occasions where two to three could be required.”

She writes that when she presented the idea to her younger brother, he went a step further, suggesting that people could “just wash the one square out.”

I wonder if it ever dawned on her that her brother might have been making fun of her like brothers tend to do from time to time. I get the sense that he’s not though, and if that’s so, I might have to curl up in a ball and sob until I dehydrate.

There are so many flaws in this plan that I’m not sure where to begin. Perhaps the 1-square limit would be a good place to start. Who wipes with only one square, and how? Those squares are so small and flimsy that they’re barely good enough to stand up to a single pass let alone the 3 or 4 it usually takes to sufficiently clear the debris. And what about the ladies? Isn’t wiping out 2 places with the same shit ticket a bit of an infection risk even if you do try to wash out the square? Speaking of which, is there a lot of drug use in the Crow family or am I just using the wrong kind of toilet paper? In case you haven’t noticed, liquid and butt wipe go together about as well as Sheryl Crow and a decent song after the mid 1990’s.

Not all of her ideas are bad. I kind of like the one about the detachable sleeve that you can use as a napkin when you eat so you don’t have to use paper towels. But I know dumb when I see it, and until there’s a good alternative to toilet paper, this is dumb.

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