Return to Sender

Here’s a tip to criminals already in jail. If you’re pretty much nailed to the wall on charges of first-degree murder, and you decide to write a letter complaining about how things are going, basically confessing to the crime, and urging the recipient to do what he can to keep witnesses from testifying, check and recheck the address to make sure it’s right. Otherwise, it will be returned to sender, and although the jail doesn’t check outgoing mail, they do check incoming mail, at which point you can kiss your ass goodbye.

You have to give this guy credit for being determined, though, although I’m not sure if the bigger thing is determination or stupidity. After being segregated from fellow inmates and having his mail privileges revoked, he was caught trying to slip notes to other prisoners and have them mail them for him. After that one incriminating letter was intercepted, they searched his girlfriend’s house and found that he was quite the prolific writer, telling her to lie and say that he was with her the morning the victim in his case was killed.

I love all the slang in the letters. It would be hillarious to watch people read that in court. And remember what I said about him kissing his ass goodbye? Yep, seven hours of deliberation later, Quinton Thomas, our author of many damning pieces of prose, was convicted of one count of solicitation to commit murder, two of witness intimidation, one of first-degree murder, one of attempted armed robbery and one of conspiracy to commit armed robbery. I just can’t believe it took them that long.

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