Sheesh! Just when I start to get the hang of when things are supposed to happen, things change and I don’t know why. Carin is getting up and doing everything an hour later. What a lazy bum! Is she trying to get some extra sleep? She says something about a time-change. Who does she think she’s fooling? Time doesn’t change! But no matter what I do, she won’t budge. I wish I could control when stuff happens. the only time I can do that is when I really really have to poop, and I convince her of this. Then, we get out there in no time flat. I can’t do that with food. Oh no no nooo! She even knows I want food, because she comments about how much I want my food now, but I can’t get it. Hmmm. Maybe if I just try harder, I’ll get my way. maybe if I start whining for food, she’ll give in. I know how much she hates it when I whine.
Ug! Ever since I got that last ear infection, getting my ears cleaned is less than pleasant. She got these new wipe things from that guy who has it in for me…what’s he called again? the vet? yeah. He is an evil, evil man, whatever you call him. He is, and so are his minions at that place that smells like every animal under the sun. He loves to pet me and rub my belly and give me treats, but that’s just to try and lull me into having a false sense of security. He’s also poked me and prodded me and given Carin nasty things that she gives to me because he tells her to. Anyway, the last thing he gave her are these ear wipes. They smell horrible, and she wipes my ears with them! Hellooo! My ears are connected to my nose, and you know how good my nose is. So now, after she cleans my ears, I have to roll around and try and shake it off. Shuhkh! That’s all I can say. Shuhkh shuhkh shuhkh!
Another trend I’m not liking is the shrinking number of toys I have! I used to have so many bones! But they all eventually get thrown into that can that she doesn’t like me going near. She says the bones go there because they’ve gotten dangerous. Dangerous? Bones get dangerous? I can still hold them down and chew them and they don’t bite back. Why are they dangerous? I never get to completely destroy a bone. it always just disappears, and I never see it again.
Man these humans are really really stupid. We’ll be playing with a cong, they’ll throw it, it will bounce and sort of get wedged under the couch. I can see it. I can smell it. I can almost get at it. But I don’t have long human arms with those hand things at the end that can grab it. If I could just grow a hand, I’d be able to get it my goddamn self. They have the hand things, but can they find the cong? No no no! They shove their feet under the couch and look for it. They ask me what I did with it. Me? They threw it! God! They should know what they did with it. Sometimes, they find it, but sometimes, I have to figure out how I can get it out of there. I do, because I’m just that good. Well, you know what they say. If you want something done right, do it yourself. How true, how true!
What does Carin want from me? I wish she’d make up her mind. She likes that guy with the table in the parking lot of that cool store with the dog who likes me. She hands him paper things and he gives her metal things back and then this basket of really yummy-smelling stuff. Sniff sniff sniff. I think they call it fruit. She puts it in her backpack so I can’t sniff it and then we go home. She goes there a lot. She has trouble finding it. Sometimes we have to pass it a few times before she figures out where we should turn. I’ve figured this out, so now when we get to that spot, I make it really obvious. I don’t just sort of slow down, I stop! I stand there. I turn a bit so if she’d just follow me, we’d get right to the spot where he is. But now, she doesn’t like him anymore. She says things like “I don’t want fruit today!” Well, why the hell not? You’ve wanted fruit almost every other day. Come on! Maybe if you just talk to him, you’ll change your mind. It’s good. Sniff sniff. Plus, there’s things for me in there. Me me me me me! I’ve already gone to places for you you you you you, it’s my turn for a little fun. But she makes me sit, jerks the leash away from there, and then drags me past it saying “I could really use your help right now!” That’s what I’m doing. I’m helping you find the good sniff sniff fruit stuff! That’s my job, isn’t it?
I went to this really cool store. At first, it was really a drag because there was so much to sniff, but I had to work work work. But then, it all paid off. She took my harness off, and people who usually couldn’t pet me got to pet me! I gave one of them a big kiss! They tried this thing on me called a coat. Hello. I already have a coat. It’s made of fur. Why do I need fur on my fur? How goddamn cold is it going to get up here? I know it’s gotten colder. Good lord, I don’t waste time pooping in the morning and at night. The trees don’t even like it and parts of them die off and land on the grass. That’s not good! Are parts of me going to fall off on the grass? What did I sign up for? This wasn’t in the plan. I swear it. They never told me I was moving to some kind of freezer.
Ah, it can’t be that bad. Carin wouldn’t do that to me. She just wouldn’t. She likes me. She feeds me. I just have to keep hoping she wouldn’t do that to me. I’ll try and keep you all up to date on all of this…if there’s enough of me left that hasn’t fallen off on the grass with the tree parts, that is.