I’ve Got A Bike, You Can Ride It If You Like

Robert Stewart, the man who earned himself a spot in his local sex offender registry after being caught engaging in a little…uh…um…
pedalphilia,
has been sentenced to
3 years probation.

Sheriff Colin Miller said: “In almost four decades in the law I thought I had come across every perversion known to mankind, but this is a new one on me. I have never heard of a ‘cycle-sexualist’.”

Stewart’s solicitor Gerry Tierney described the defendant as a “sad little man” who was “trying to tackle his drink problem”. He explained: “When the cleaners came in, he thought he was having fun with them. He does not think it is funny any more, and he has had to move home three times because he has been targeted because of the offence.”

Stewart was warned that “if he re-offended he would be sent to prison”.

Strange as it may sound to some of you, I actually feel bad for the guy. Not because he’s a sad little man with a drinking problem or any other such nonsense, but because he really wasn’t breaking any laws, at least not until the hotel staff broke in on him. He was doing his deed behind a locked door and wouldn’t have been caught had it not been for some anxious cleaners and a master key. The most that should have happened is the use of a few expletives and an exchange of awkward looks before everybody went back to business as usual, or at least as usual as business can go after you’ve witnessed or been witnessed fornicating with a Schwinn.

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