Putting The Ass In Gold Class

We established long ago that
movies and the theatre experience are for shit,
but that’s not stopping a group of investors from pouring $200 million into something called
Village Roadshow Gold Class Cinemas.

What exactly is a Village Roadshow Gold Class Cinema, you ask. Well for starters, it’s a place where a movie ticket will cost you $35. Yes, $35. My goodness you say. What grand luxuries am I afforded for this king’s ransom? Well, my good friend, I’m glad you asked, but I must warn you that upon finding the answer, you might just find yourself with shit in your pants.

Each complex will sport theaters featuring 40 reclining armchair seats with footrests, digital projection and the capability to screen 2-D and 3-D movies, as well as a lounge and bar serving cocktails and appetizers, a concierge service and valet parking.

But the circuit will especially push its culinary offerings — made-to-order meals like sushi and other theater-friendly foods from on-site chefs (a service button at each seat calls a waiter). Moviegoers will have to pay extra for any food they order, however.

Indeed, you again read that correctly. For your $35, you get to watch the same dreck as the common folk who paid $10, only you get to do so from the comfort of a nicer chair. You also receive the added benefit of having to tip a valet and a concierge, as well as the perks that come with ordering fancy snacks and drinks at what is sure to be a stunningly absurd mark-up. Oh to live the life of privilege.

So to answer your first question, a Village Roadshow Gold Class Cinema is what is sometimes known as a lesson in scale. You can pay $30 for a film and some snakcs, or you can pay $82,419 to watch that same film with others who have little respect for their money. But in the end, no matter which option you choose you’re stuck watching modern cinematic efforts, so it’s a no win at any price.

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