The Samoan English Major?

I read a report the other day that WWE has plans to reveal that Umaga can speak English so that they can have him start cutting promos.

My reaction to this news then is exactly the same as it is now.

Why! The! Fuck! Would! You! Do! Something! So! Goddamn! Stupid!?

Seriously, Umaga is one of the few truly unique and over people in the entire company. Why would you want to risk pissing all of that away just so he can talk? Does the world really need to know what he has to say that badly? No. the guy comes out, beats ass, scares people and leaves. He does his talking through his act, he doesn’t need horribly written dialogue to make his point. This, I should note for the benefit of the imbeciles on the creative team, is why his character succeeds where so many others fail. It’s something different. Having him give the same interviews as everybody else does will accomplish nothing other than killing the gimmick. If anybody feels like arguing that point with me, I’ve got one word for you. Sabu. But as I was saying, a savage wild man that is perfectly articulate might be funny for about 10 seconds, but long term it isn’t something with legs even if written by people who are at least competent.

And speaking of how things are written, how are they going to explain his sudden education? Is he just going to come out and start talking or are they going to try to make sense out of it? Neither option would surprise me, and given the company’s track record over the past several years, it’ll probably be stupid no matter what.

The best I think they could do if they’re going to go ahead with it is what they should have done with Eugene. Have somebody lay a beating on him and make sure he takes a few good shots to the head. The announcers can play up the possibility of some kind of serious brain injury as he’s helped to the back. A few weeks later he could come out and start acting like a normal person. Not the greatest idea, but I doubt creative could come up with a better one.

I really hope they don’t go through with this. It has bad idea written all over it and I’d hate to see yet another talented person’s career ruined by a stupid booking idea.

One last thing. If they’re hell bent on changing somebody’s character, why not this? Instead of revealing that Umaga can speak English, why not reveal that Mike Adamle *can’t*? Then again, the 27 people who still watch ECW every week already know that, so why bother?

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