Worst Book, Best Review

Thisis without question the greatest book review I’ve ever seen. If anybody has actually read The Shadow God by Aaron Rayburn, please let me know if it’s accurate.

Here are a few snips:

Pros: I’m not even gonna dignify that with a response!

Cons: I can’t narrow it down. I’m sorry. I just can’t.

The Bottom Line: You think you’ve read some horrible books? I’ve got the champ right here.

As you can see, we’re off to a fine start.

There are so many things wrong with this book, I decided to keep notes so I could present them in an orderly fashion, with quotes to back me up. I don’t want you to take my word for this novel’s horridness, I’m going to let Rayburn speak for himself.

Speaking as somebody who has reviewed things in the past, copious notes are the kiss of death. Always. No exceptions.

Mark Twain said, “The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.”

Rayburn wasn’t even close.

Spiers’s eyes popped extraneously from their sockets, as his face turned from a deep red to a sickly purple.

“Extraneous” means “irrelevant.” I don’t think that’s what he meant. At least, I hope not.

Here’s my favorite:

The lamp’s glow was very weak compared to the blue glow emancipating from the basement.

Emanating, Rayburn, EMANATING. When will people learn never to trust their SpellCheck without verifying it’s the word they meant??? There are, in total, 11 instances of Rayburn using the wrong word, and believe me, each one is funnier than the last.

Okay, one more.

It infiltrated his lungs, filling them with a kind of innovativeness he had never felt before.

To be honest, I don’t know what word he meant, but I keep seeing Craig’s lung filing patents for a dozen new inventions, getting promotions for discovering an even newer formula for Tide laundry detergent, or finding the cure for cancer.

And not only is this the worst book ever written, it’s also the worst-written book ever.


Of all the things to think, he never thought he’d think that.


Already, he knew he wouldn’t be able to do it. In fact, he KNEW he wouldn’t


Wasn’t that already established in the previous sentence?

I could keep quoting this thing all day long (at least I could until I ran out of material), but you should really read it for yourself. it’s a fantastic dissection of what sounds like some truly shitty work, and the conclusion, to me, doesn’t just apply to people who write shitty books. It can be extended to stupid internet comments or even any one of the millions of hideously awful blogs we’re subjected to…Ok, I think I’m hitting a little too close to home here so I’m gonna shut up now. But Am I the only one with a vivid vision of Aaron Rayburn curled up in a ball crying his eyes out or pounding his fists on stuff vowing to find this guy and fuck him up?

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