Man, did Raw suck last night or what? As shows on an average week go it was pretty bad, but the fact that whatever the hell we were subjected to last night was the go home show for Cyber Sunday made it even worse. Much like most weeks watching Impact, all I could do was sit there and try to imagine who could possibly be sitting in a similar position to the one I’m in and be thinking “boy oh boy, I can’t wait to spend $40 on this show, it looks freakin amazing!” The idea is to use the TV show not only to make us aware that there is a pay-per-view coming up, but also to make us care enough that there is a pay-per-view coming up to get us to pay to view it. I mention this because people who run wrestling companies forget this more often than they remember it anymore.
There were exactly 3 things of any value on the entire show last night. Stone Cold Charlie Haastin was entertaining, but had nothing to do with the PPV. It would be great if they’d put him in a match and let people choose which character he would play. That’s money right there. Santino’s promo was good, but that generally goes without saying. If I were around this weekend and thinking about ordering the show, he’s pretty much the only reason why I would at this point. Instead I shall watch it for free a few days later and know in my heart and my wallet that I made the right decision. There was also the John Morrison and The Miz vs. Kofi Kingston and CM Punk tag match. I don’t have much to say about it, it was fine and didn’t put me to sleep or make me angry. On this show, that’s a win.
I won’t bother going over everything that stunk, we’d be here all day if I did. But I do need to touch on that Russorrific illogical clusterfuck of a main event.
Jericho is whining about not being respected. Batista comes out and tells him that respect is earned, not demanded. This is all fine in large part because of Jericho’s greatness. So then Mike Adamle makes a gauntlet main event in which Batista and Jericho will take on the same 3 opponents separately, one after the other. Somehow the performances of each guy will determine who gets respect. Don’t ask me, I don’t write the stuff, I just watch it…for some reason.
So on to the match we go. The first man out is William Regal. He is quickly killed by both men. Michael Cole, who has to be the stupidest announcer this side of Don West, actually asked Jerry Lawler “so King, do you think it’s an advantage or a disadvantage to go first against an opponent in a match like this?” If I were smart I would have done what Matt did a few minutes earlier and switch to The Daily Show. But since I am a fool, on I pressed. The next man out was Mark Henry. Jericho, raw’s champion, can’t pin him, opting to get himself disqualified instead. I guess that’s ok because Jericho is a heel and Henry is a top contender for the title on ECW and should be protected. But if that’s the case, why is he in the damn match? So then it’s Batista’s turn with Henry. So much for protecting him. Batista squashes him in less than 20 seconds. Last guy out is Kane who…proceeds to pin Chris Jericho. Yes, that’s what happened. Seriously. So then it’s Batista’s turn. I think he pinned Kane even quicker than he pinned Mark Henry. One spear and it’s over.
Let’s recap what this segment established. William Regal should under no circumstances be taken seriously. Chris Jericho sucks. Batista does not. Mark Henry sucks, but only on Raw. Kane sucks, but only when somebody needs to be put over. Jericho, who sucks, will win on Sunday. He will win not only because Batista’s gimmick for the last 2 years is that he sucks in title matches, but also because nobody looks as bad as Jericho did here without getting his win back unless he failed a drug test or did something else to get himself heat backstage. All of this, for lack of a better word, sucked. And if there’s any justice in this world, the buyrate for Cyber Sunday will suck too. Maybe it isn’t entirely fair to say that WWE didn’t sell any pay-per-views with this stuff. They did. Thing is, most of them were probably buys for the UFC show the night before. Nice work, guys.
Speaking of things that suck, can we fuck off with the WWE universe thing? Please? It would be fine if they A. used it sparingly and B. used it to refer to the 3 brands that make up the company, but that’s not how it works. Not only does everybody use it to a ridiculous degree in their interviews and commentary now, but they use it in reference to the fans. Yes, we’re not fans anymore, we’re stars or planets or space junk or whatever else makes up a universe. In a way I suppose it’s fair since the wrestlers aren’t allowed to be wrestlers anymore and are forced to be superstars, but that’s just me stretching for something positive to say about it. In reality it’s a horribly stupid and meaningless bit of marketing tripe that’s being pushed down our throats and won’t make anybody a dime. Here’s an idea. Instead of spending your time on slogans, try spending it on the product for a change. That’s where the real money is, plus it will have the added benefit of increasing the likelihood that we won’t have to sit through shitfests the likes of which anybody who stuck it out endured last night.