If He Should Ever Leave You, Thank Your Lucky Stars Immediately

You know, thatnew Waking Eyes song I don’t really like,it isn’t so bad. And as much as it pains me to say this, neither isAll Summer Longnow that I think about it.

Why the sudden change of heart? Well, it’s quite simple really. You see, last nightthisentered my life, setting new standards for awful in the process.

The this in question is If He Should Ever Leave You, the first single from the new Tom Jones album. Yes, that Tom Jones. The It’s Not Unusual Tom Jones. The Tom Jones that in spite of ourselves, most of us can’t help but like. Well…I think I can help it now.

I honestly cannot find adequate words in any thesaurus to describe the utter horror you’re listening to at this moment. It’s just…just…it’s bad. Imagine what it would be like if Tom Jones was trying really hard to sound like Tom Jones but couldn’t quite pull it off because he sounded like a crackly-voiced old guy. Wouldn’t that be sad? I’ll answer that for you. Yes, it is.

And the lyrics…oh sweet lord the lyrics.

Careful what you do
He’s so in love with you
You might tear him apart.
To watch the way you move
It’s obvious that you
were made for breaking hearts.

the pout of your lips
Those soft fingertips
The curve of your waist
your perfectly made.

And it only gets worse from there, believe it or not.

By the way, the last line I’m guessing at because I had to write that out by hand. I hope you all realize what that means. I put myself through this atrocity again just so I could do that. The things I do for you people.

I don’t know what else I can say here. My will to exist has been taken away from me. Callously snatched by a horrible song and the nimrods all over the internet who seem to like it for God knows what reason. That reason has to be pity, it’s the only thing that makes sense. Unless the sound of 3 minutes and 32 seconds of the mighty falling to earth with a resoundingly shitty thump is something you genuinely enjoy, you’re lying to yourself and the world by claiming you like it. That is a fact, I am not wrong.

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