Ok boys and girls, it’s time to play a nice game of how much innuendo can the newspaper cram into one story? Heh heh heh, I said cram…

Our subject today is46-year-old Keith Roy Weatherley, who was stopped by police and observed with his noodle in a pasta sauce jar.This should be easy.

A MAN caught near Nobbys Beach with his penis in a pasta sauce jar led police on a 20 kmh car chase, Newcastle Local Court heard yesterday.

And we’re off to a flying start. Nobbys beach?

Police drew their weapons when they suspected Keith Roy Weatherley, 46, was armed.

Instead, they found him partially clothed with his genitals in a jar, a police statement said.

Sounds more like some kind of creepy circle jerk than a stop and arrest.

Weatherley, of Promontory Way, North Arm Cove, attracted attention parked in a no-stopping zone before noon on October 26.

It’s pushing it a bit, but I’ll count North Arm because it’s a masturbation story. the part about a no stopping zone…well…it sure was that day.

Police believed Weatherley was doing something with his hands in his lap and thought that he might have a weapon.

Well, yes and no.

Weatherley saw the police and drove away, despite them flashing their lights.

I’ve never heard those things called lights before, but we’ve got some flashing.

The chase lasted five to 10 minutes, with a top speed of just 20 kmh, before Weatherley was stopped at Centenary Drive, Newcastle. He refused to leave the car.

Four officers used batons and capsicum spray to remove him.

Batons, spray…somebody’s getting way too into his assignment.

They found a 750-millilitre jar around his penis and noted that Weatherley attempted to continue “pleasuring himself in between bouts of wrestling”.

Which should come as no surprise since a guy like this is exactly the type of person who would get into rough stuff with somebody dressed like a policeman.

Here’s where things really get interesting.

A search of his car uncovered pornography, a home-made sex aid, women’s stockings and a Jack Russell terrier.


I can’t be the only one singing the one of these things is not like the other song right now…

Weatherley pleaded guilty to offensive behaviour, resisting police and disobeying a police direction.

Magistrate Elaine Truscott asked Weatherley, who represented himself, why he behaved the way he did.

He represented himself. Seems fitting under the circumstances.

He said he resisted police because he was trying to make himself “decent”.

Nobody has time to wait that long, my friend.

He was fined $600 for offensive behaviour and convicted of the other two offences without further action taken.

Oh just wait, I’m sure more action will be taken soon enough.

that was fun. I’d say it stimulated the brain, but somebody might take that the wrong way.

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