>Swimmin’ Around The Christmas Tank

>A group of Scottish researchers may have just won the most pointless experiment ever award, and if there’s any justice in this world, they’ll be earning some animal cruelty charges as well.

Sharks and Rays at the Loch Lomond Sea Life Centre in Balloch, Dunbartonshire will suffer immeasurable agony in the coming days and weeks as the “scientists” set about finding out whether or not they enjoy listening to Christmas music. Why is this important you ask? I don’t know. Then why are they doing it? The obvious answer of course is that they have a hate on for fish, but according tothis report,the idea came from American research that found that fish were able to recognize melodies.

Chris Brown, senior marine biologist at the Loch Lomond aquarium, said seasonal chartbusters would be piped through walkthrough underwater tunnels where they can be heard by dozens of nurse sharks, black-tip reef sharks, and ray species.

Experts will then monitor the sharks’ reactions to different hits.

Wait a minute…there are experts on this sort of thing?

Mr Brown said outward signs such as them lowering their fin tips, swimming faster and making sudden tight turns would indicate excitement or aggression.

He mentioned nothing about having his fucking arm bitten off, which would represent an entirely logical reaction to being trapped in an enclosed space, unable to escape the unwanted exposure to holiday favourites. Wait a minute, enclosed spaces…unwanted exposure to holiday favourites…I think I might have just figured out why people get so violent at the malls this time of year. Maybe these guys should study that instead.

He said: “We’ll play everything from Kim Wilde and Mel Smith’s Rocking Around the Christmas Tree and Merry Christmas Everybody by Slade to Wham’s Last Christmas.

“We may find they prefer something softer like White Christmas by Bing Crosby.

We may also find they prefer hanging themselves.

“But we will be answering the question – do rays know it’s Christmas?”

Hopefully we can also answer the question – has anybody ever asked that question?

Mr Brown said nurse sharks and other species of carpet shark which spend most of their time lying on the bed of the tanks, could be the best barometers for the impact of those pop tunes. Their reactions will tell the researchers whether the sharks are enjoying the music or whether it turns them off.

I’m not sure if it’s poor reporting or what, but I can’t be the only one who noticed no mention of what they plan to do with this information. Maybe it really is just disdain for fish.

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