Disney Will Screw You Up

This run-down of the worst lessons taught by Disney movies is funny. I’ve watched all of those movies, or at least parts of them, and yeah, I can totally see the authhor’s point in some cases. Others…I dunno, maybe if I really stretch my brain. all of them are funny though. Let’s run down the list.

No. 7. The Lion King. In order to be successful, somebody’s gotta die.

I guess if you really think about it, you’ll get that message, but I kinda had to strain. Maybe I’m dumb.

No. 6. Cinderella: just sit around long enough and your dreams will be handed to you on a silver platter.

Ok, I get that one, but um, aren’t most fairytales like that? Is it fair to blame Disney for that? I think this woman’s spent a little too long fighting for stuff. I could see her being a bit of a killjoy at movies. fuck suspending disbelief, She would want reality, only reality! Yes, I get that girls should be taught to advocate for what they want and need, and that giving that message early is a good thing, but…but…but…these fairytales are old as the hills, and were written before that attitude was all over the place. Yes, Disney could have modernized them I guess, but then someone would be bitching that that’s not how the story goes. I dunno.

No. 5. The Little Mermaid: It’s ok to make deals with the devil.

I never really thought about it, but I can see her point. She did sorta get off easy didn’t she? I didn’t realize how big Ariel’s boobs were. Well now I know.

No. 4. Beauty and the Beast: ah let him slap ya around, he’s got a good heart.

Yeah, I totally saw that. the whole time I was watching the movie, at about age 12 or so, when he started getting nice, all I kept thinking was “He’s a prick! he’s just tricking you to get what he wants! You can’t leave, so what kind of person would do that to you? He’s just a manipulative prick!” I remember when the movie made a big deal about how hard it was for him to let her go see her sick dad, such a sacrifice for him. I was like what? Letting her leave her home is a sacrifice for him? What about the fact that she was forced to stay in exchange for her dad’s freedom? That wasn’t a sacrifice for her at all? Now I feel like the killjoy.

No. 3. the Hunchback of Notre Dame: Ugly guys never get the girl.

Ok, I need to watch that movie again. I remember it being depressing, and I remember the ending sucking, but I can’t remember it at all. this one I have to blame on Victor Hugo. Everything he wrote was so painfully depressing. Now I feel like a hippocrit. Beauty and the Beast sucked but this one isn’t Disney’s fault? Maybe I would be kinder to disney in the case of Beauty and the Beast if I’d read the original before seeing the movie. Maybe that’s the key.

No. 2. Sleeping Beauty: If a guy gets you out of a tough spot, marry him right there.

I’m completely torn on this one. Part of me wants to be the killjoy because the whole story always disturbed me. I wouldn’t want to wake up from a nap and find a dude giving me a big old smoocheroo and doing who knows what else to me, even if I knew it was his sloppy lips that just saved my life, so why should this be a good thing for her? But it’s the old thing of an old fairytale, and why should Disney be crucified for just animating the characters?

No. 1. The Fox and the Hound: Separate but equal, got it?

Yup, I heard this one loud and clear and it always broke my heart as a kid and as I got older. I don’t even know if this existed in pre-disney form, so if it didn’t, then Disney gets the blame for this one for sure. I always thought it was a pretty twisted story.

So there are the lessons as she sees them, but you should still go read her version, it’s way funnier.

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