This Post Is Brought To You By…People Who Can’t Write Ads.

A little while ago, I put up a compilation of stupid commercials Steve and I had noticed. Here we come with more.

Have you ever noticed in a certain commercial for Everest College, there’s a spot where the girl says “The man behind me? he taught me everything I know…” but the way she says “The man behind me?” sounds like it should be followed up by “Call security. he frightens me. I don’t know why he’s following me…” I can’t find a damn video of it. there are about six billion parodies, as well as complaints about how bad the school is. Well, um, that’s what you get for going to a school that puts ads all over TV. but I learned they used to be CDI. Interesting.

There seem to be a million yogourt companies making these probiotic drinks, and they all ream off their code name for whatever exclusive formulation of stuff they’ve decided to put in them. My question is what is that supposed to mean to us? My theory is they’re just trying to baffle brains with bullshit, but I hear that and think, “So? You have 10 billion bla bla bla probiotic cultures. what does that mean if I don’t know what bla bla bla means? And how is that different than the other company’s exclusive brand of foo shee shee shhees?” By that theory, I could decide I was going to sell a special diet pill. But I’d justmake a placebo and tell everyone it’s the only pill with 10 billion rammalammadingdongs in it, so it’s good. If you don’t know what a rammalammadingdong is, what does that mean? It could be a molecule of air for all you know.

I’m going to pick on Air Wick again because it’s fun and they make it so easy. They apparently now have some kind of air-freshener with a motion-detector on it. Why? What has motion got to do with making the air smell good? does this owl make it make any more sense to you than me?

there’s an Avon commercial for some anti-aging goop, I can’t remember its name, but at the end of it it says “Call your Avon sales person and say, ‘Hello, tomorrow.'” I wonder how many would know what you were talking about if you said that to them. I also wonder how many times they’ve been pranked because of that commercial?

Here’s another one for the I’m purposely being dopy for effect department. There was a commercial for William Mattar that told you that to get a hold of his associates, you should “keep dialing 4.” I’ve noticed I don’t see it anymore. I wonder if the William mattar folks found themselves picking up the phone and hearing people repeatedly pounding 4. Maybe somebody told them “keep dialing 4” was false advertising and they were going to go call Kenneth Hiller and sue them.

Here’s my last one from the wording department, I promise…at least for now. There’s a commercial for Fido that says “Get plans from $15 and phones and text mesages from $0.” Why are they giving away other people’s text messages? Who’s giving away their text messages? Why would anyone want to get them. If they said text messaging, I would understand.

the Pepto-Bizmol commercials have bugged me for a while, but not just since they’ve rolled out their stupidest commercial ever. It’s because of their slogan. “Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea.” Hmmm…if I’m not mistaken, aren’t nausea and upset stomach the same thing? And aren’t heartburn and indigestion the same? And they made doubles of everything except diarrhea. I guess there’s no other polite word for that affliction. I’ve thought way too much about this.

I’ve also thought way too much about this commercial for BlackBerry Curves with Direct Connect. I wouldn’t want to go to that school. I almost feel sorry for Callahan. Jesus, is it high school or…reform school?

and that’s it for now. I’m sure everyone’s looking at me like I’m nuts.

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