Oh I wish I Had A River, I Could Dog-Paddle Away In

You know a story’s going to be good when it has the headline of Des Moines Man Jumps Into River Again. Again? Yes, James Randolph apparently likes to jump into the river to get attention, so much so that nobody’s phased by it anymore, not even him.

I guess randolph went to the police station to report that drug dealers had taken his money, something that I doubt happened judging by everything else this goofball decided to do. After asking to speak to an officer, he asked for a pen and paper. He wrote the word “river” on the paper and handed it back to an employee, and then left the station. This made them head out to the river just in time to watch him kersploosh into it and dog-paddle around. When asked to get out of the river, he did, and then just started gathering shells like this was nothing. but when he found out noone had collected up his coat and glasses he’d left on the bank, that was maddening.

Things didn’t end at the ER, where he spit on an officer, threatened her and said “I thought you were my friend.” Now he’s in jail. I wonder if he thinks the guards are his friends too. I also wonder when the next headline will read that he jumped in the river…again.

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