I Thought I Could Do Better Than Calling This Suck Plaza Central, But I Was Wrong. Oh Well, It’s Still Better Than Christ This Is Awful, Just Kill Me

If I didn’t tell you thatthis clunky, squeaky-voiced garbageis supposed to be a cover of Van halen’s Panama, would you have been able to figure it out on your own? To be honest, I’m not sure I would have.

Note to Rock Plaza Central, the relentless jerks responsible for this hideous mess: When you record a cover in a totally different style, the aim is usually to either make people chuckle at the idea of taking a song out of its element and putting it into a whole new one or make them say wow, that sounds pretty cool, I never would have thought it would work, but they sure proved me wrong. The aim should not be to make people think boy, how sad…what the fuck were they covering again?

And while we’re talking aims, might I humbly suggest aiming yourselves in the direction of some musical ability? Skills like rhythm and tune carrying have taken people pretty far in this business, you should look into them.

Just to be fair, I checked out another song since the only thing I’ve heard from you before today is your name. I was hoping that maybe this whole Panama thing was some kind of misunderstanding, a drunken mistake captured on tape during the most depressing party ever thrown. Sadly, after hearing something you callI Am an Excellent Steel Horse,everything I said stands, and I’m starting to wonder if I haven’t been hard enough on you. I’ll give credit where it’s due, it’s better than Panama, but I can’t stand the thought of listening to anything more to figure out whether that’s just a fluke or if there might be a glimmer of hope in there somewhere. I’m not the type to crush somebody’s dreams, but you guys might want to consider giving up as an act of public service.

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