How Did He Fail thee? Let Us Count TheWays.

I think I agree with chuck Shepherd of News of the Weird’s assessment that Hell’s totally waiting for Aurelio Vallerillo-Sanchez. Uh-huh, and I think there’s also a place for him if there ever is a fail hall of fame. Should we create it in honour of William Topaz McGonagall? Anyway, I digress. Let us place his fails in a great big list of infinite…failure?

  • He raped under-age girls, which makes him a failure at dating, and also at life.
  • One of these rapes caused the girl to get pregnant, so he’s a failure at safety.
  • So, he decided the only thing he could do was pay for her abortion, but he didn’t have the money for it…so he’s a failure at budgeting.
  • So how would he pay for this abortion? Why, by stealing paintings from churches of course. this makes him a failure at…oh maybe not. Lots of people steal from churches. I’d say he was a failure at following the ten commandments, but there are a lot of those, even within the church’s ranks. Hell, they have courses designed to prevent just such a thing.
  • Not only did he steal paintings from churches, but he brought some smaller accomplices with him, AKA his teenaged children. How did he acquire these if he was such a dating fail? Are these other abortions he couldn’t pay for? anyway,this makes him a failure at parenting.
  • He did manage to snatch the paintings, so I guess he didn’t fail at robbing the churches. But when he tried to sell them, he only got a tenth of what he asked for, which was a third of the value of the paintings, which makes him a failure at salesmanship and perhaps appraisal.
  • When he finally got the girl to Mexico for the abortion, how he did this I don’t know, the doctor said the pregnancy was too far along and he could not safely perform the abortion. So now he is a failure at timing, and perhaps bribery.
  • When he could not make this problem go away, he told the girl to tell her mom the dad was a boy from school, and said if she revealed who did it, he would kill her and her family…but as soon as the baby was born and he was gone to Mexico again, she told the whole story, making him a failure at intimidation.
  • Now that the story came out, things really started to unravel for this fellow. While investigating the case, they spoke to his kidlet accomplices who promptly ratted him out in great detail, even revealing thefts of other paintings which the police hadn’t discovered yet. What exactly does that make him a failure at? (My red pen is tweaking. I know I ended a sentence with “at”. Forgive me.) I’m not sure, but it makes him fail at something. Perhaps his whole plan just…failed.
  • Finally, he *returned* from Mexico, he was out of the country and chose to come back, and he was promptly caught. This brings our story to a close, and makes him a failure at running.

It also makes him a sick freak.

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