Before I get to how myTNA picksturned out, a few general wrestling thoughts…
I’m thinking about suing Cedric The Entertainer for false advertising because I was not at all entertained by his Raw appearance. There’s no way this guy is a comedian in real life, it’s impossible! To be fair, it’s impossible based on the material he was using on Monday. If he wrote his own jokes he fucking sucks, but if that garbage was written for him he should have refused to do it for the sake of whatever credibility he has in the entertainment world unless he owes somebody a gigantic pile of money and needs every payday he can get. Seriously, what the hell was even remotely funny about that opening bit with the limo?
Can we please stop with this WWE universe crap? It’s amazingly lame and there’s no way to make it sound otherwise. Not even the biggest stars in the company can say it without sounding like enormous geeks. I shouldn’t have to point this out, but if you’re trying to make your characters and wrestling as a whole seem cool, scripting everybody’s interviews to sound exactly the same and on top of that making them say things that no human being would ever say is not how it’s done. And besides making everybody sound stupid, it doesn’t even make any sense. If the WWE universe means all of the fans, what do they call one fan? A planet? A star? A universelet? If I want to throw a pay-per-view party do I have to tell people I’m forming a constellation rather than say I’m getting a few friends together?
While I’m bagging on stupid things WWE does, what’s with the names they’re giving these guys now? If you’ve ever seen anyFCWyou’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. Fred Rosser? Donny Marlow? Jon Cutler? Vance Archer? I can’t tell if I’m supposed to be watching a wrestling match or the board of directors meeting at Average Guy LTD. Names like those are fine if you’re a jobber from the 80’s or if they fit a gimmick, but when nobody has any personality it’s just ridiculous. They all come out to similar music and wrestle the same style. There’s nothing for any fans…sorry, universelets to get behind unless they know you personally and want to see you do well, and once you’ve accounted for those 7 to 10 people, what’s left? A generic wrestler, and most of those can’t get full time work.
And if they’re not turning guys into the man on the street, they’re turning them into man on the street with a kind of familiar TV/movie-based name. troy Jackman? Alberto Banderas? Bo and Duke Rotundo? Ok, that one would almost be worth it if they let them come out tothe right song,but that’s not what happens.
Believe it or not, I’m going to calm myself down by talking about TNA, perhaps the first and only time those words will ever be written by anyone on earth.
I’m not suggesting that this show was any good, it wasn’t. It also wasn’t bad. It merely existed, and in the world of TNA that’s a compliment especially withthe booking anti-dream teamon the job.
Let’s quickly run things down and see how I did.
Sarita & Taylor Wilde beat the Beautiful People to become the first Knockout tag champs and get me off to a fine 0-1 start. Sarita and Wilde look like they’ll be a pretty good team, but I still say it would have made more sense for the Beautiful people to win and give other less experienced teams time to establish themselves. I was right about one thing though. the Beautiful People were Velvet and Madison. TNA actually acknowledged at the start of the match that Angelina had left the company. They even wished her the best in her future endeavours, I guess to make sure that we know they haven’t gotten over their WWE envy.
Hernandez squashed Eric Young in less than a minute to make me 1-1. The reason the match was so short is that Eric had promised not to fight back to show Hernandez that they wanted him in World Elite. Yes, they’re doing TV angles on pay-per-view.
Samoa Joe over Daniels to retain the X Title and move my record to 2-1. Best match of the night this was. It wasn’t anything like the kind of match these 2 would have had 4 or 5 years ago, but still really good…and probably quite a bit safer.
Pope D’Angelo Dinero vs. Suicide was added as a bonus match because of “the outcry from the TNA fans.” Outcry? Fans? Wrestling promotion 101 says that if you’re going to lie about things, make those lies believable. Still, match wasn’t bad. It was falls count anywhere and they spent a good part of it brawling backstage. Had I known about this match when I was making my picks I would have bet on Dinero and I would have been right, but it doesn’t count.
I improved to 3-1 when ODB pinned Cody Deaner to win the Knockouts championship. I had fun watching this even though I can’t stand ODB.
Kevin Nash beat Abyss to keep the Legends title. This was no good, and it was made even worse by Mick Foley and Taz on commentary talking about how when they were announcers in WWE they used to get yelled at on the headsets. If you want to talk about that in media interviews that’s fine, but when your job is to focus on what’s happening in the ring at an event put on by the company you work for now, that’s what you should be doing. the highlight of this was my prediction record for the evening going to 4-1.
Beer Money and Team 3-D won the Lethal Lockdown that isn’t at Lockdown for some dumb reason match. Quite average. That should have been the name of the PPV. TNA Quite Average. The only thing I remember about this is Brother Ray crushing poor Rob Terry with a chair. That was either safer than it looked or Big Rob had a bad night. Oh yeah, I also remember that I’m now 5-1.
In the least surprising result of the evening, Bobby Lashley defeated Rhino. 6-1, Bitches! How is this happening? If the idea was for Lashley to come off as some kind of huge star or unstoppable monster, then I can tell you all with absolute certainty that this failed. Not that I would want to see this happen to Rhino because he deserves better, but he should have been playing the Eric Young to Lashley’s Hernandez, not almost pinning the company’s next great hope. Right now Lashley needs to be tossing around guys with names like Fred Rosser and Vance Archer, not going toe to toe with a former world champ. And by the way, calling Lashley perhaps the greatest MMA fighter in the world was hilarious. Remember guys, believable things. Lashley has had 4 fights. three were against nobodys and the 4th was against a Bob Sapp that has seen better days.
“You may have suspected this based on the way Impact has been building of late, but we’ve confirmed the plan is for AJ Styles to win the TNA championship tonight.”
“AJ could win, but something tells me he won’t. No good reason why, just a hunch.”
Well, now we know why Mike gets paid the big dollars to cover this stuff and why I’m given substantially smaller ones.
Yes, AJ won, and they had a nice celebration for him afterwards. The match ended up being a 5-way for a couple minutes when Hernandez came out to cash in the title shot he won at Feast Or Fired. If you don’t know what feast or fired is, think Money In The Bank if Money In The Bank was stupid and completely bereft of logic. I do have to give TNA credit for not doing the dumbest thing they could have done in this situation. As soon as Hernandez entered the match I thought oh Christ, here we go, he’s turning heel. A reasonable thought since that happens about every other week it seems. but instead Eric Young came out and touched Hernandez with a club and a piledriver, taking him out of the match and furthering their storyline. Match was ok, but I was ready for the show to be over by this point. Not sure where they go with Matt Morgan now, but they were playing up that he didn’t go for the cover when he had the chance, so I’m ever so slightly interested in what happens next. good job, TNA. AJ’s win puts another in my loss column, finishing me up with a very impressive 6-2 that would have been a 7 had I known about the extra match.
I have no idea how I did this well. In 1 night of TNA I equaled 2 shows worth of WWE. Maybe I need to talk to the PWInsider guys and see about a TNA Pick ‘Em after all.