Well, I made it through my cousin’s service yesterday…although I can’t say the same for several kleenexes. Poor dad, I blew through his entire stash, and he had to get more! Poor, poor dad.
The church was jam packed full of people, so much so that the minister had to go get more chairs. There were cars filling the parking lot, down the street, and by the time my brother and sister arrived, they had to park two or so blocks away. He had a lot of friends.
I think the most painful parts were watching his brother do a eulogy, complete with heaps of self-blame, at least that’s the way it felt to me. I wanted to tell him to stop blaming himself, it wasn’t necessary. The poor guy would just have to stop and cry every so often, which would cause me to start crying.
The next worst was when we got to a part of the service dedicated to people sharing memories about the guy. Oh dear. Can you tell where this is going? Some people mentioned things about him that they will always remember. Most just sobbed inconsolably. And so I cried some more. It would take a lot of courage to get up and talk at a funeral. I don’t think I’d have it, not in a million years, so I give everybody credit who had the guts to stand there, even if they ended up crying their hearts out. I think they deserve even more credit for just letting it out without shame.
Then they did a slide show. Apparently there were some pretty cool pictures of him. I’m amazed they got a slide show together so fast. He only died Thursday.
Two things that made me angry: 1. To the dork with the cell phone whose battery was low, turn the damn thing off! I found it disrespectful to hear fifteen minutes of beeboop, beeboop, beeboop. I turned my phone off as soon as I got in the church in case I got a text or something.
2. Is it wrong that I’m angry that the minister whipped out “the lord is my shepherd”? Is this really the place for that? I understand why it comes out at most funerals, but this sheep didn’t end up by quiet waters, wouldn’t you say? That’s why we’re here, no? Oh boy, I always get angry when I think about that. Then I get angry at myself for being angry because I’m sure he was only trying to help.
All in all, it was a good service, and I think I learned a lot about his last few years. I know for sure he touched a lot of lives. I hope his family gets whatever help they need. They have lost too many recently to lose any more people. And I hope that if anyone in that crowd was feeling as desperate as he did, that this church filled with weaping people would make them think about some other solution other than suicide. Not that I want guilt to be their reason to live, but I hope they realized people cared about them, and maybe reached out instead of thinking they were so alone that there was no alternative.