If there’s anything that’ll make me break the I’m not going to post for a little while so I can rest my brain promise I made to myself earlier this week, it’s the annual Darwin Awards. I got the release this morning, so here they are for your enjoyment.
// 2009 Darwin Award WINNERS Announced //
The Darwin Awards team is prouud to announce the late, the great, the 2009 Darwin Award Winners!
Named in honor of Charles Darwin, father of evolution, the Darwin Awards commemorate those who improve our gene pool… by removing themselves from it. This award is generally bestowed posthumously.
Darwin Awards: “The shallow end of the gene pool.”
2nd Runner Up: It’s very exciting, for the first time ever, a woman–yes, a member of the safer sex–has made it into the year’s top Darwin Awards contenders!
“DOUBLE DIPPING” — Darwin Award Runner-Up 2009
3 June 2009, North Carolina | Greensboro was innundated with four inches of rain in two hours, stranding several cars on flooded roads. Rosanne T., 50, was not deterred. She hopped on her moped and drove to a convenience store where she “possibly had a beer,” according to her mother, before deciding to blunder home through the storm. She phoned home to say, “My moped has two rubber wheels, Mom, I’ll be fine.”
North Carolina does not require a license to own a moped. Ms. T. had acquired hers two years previously after a DUI conviction.
The Highway Patrol had blocked off several roads that were inundated with water, including Rosanne’s path home. But she rode right past the officer and the barriers, lost control of her vehicle, and fell into the swollen creek below. The officer retrieved rope from his vehicle and proceeded to haul her from the water.
He then interviewed the woman, probably inquiring about her motivation for speeding through a roadblock during a flash flood. When the officer returned to his patrol car to call for assistance, Rosanne took the opportunity to escape–by jumping back into the creek!
The officer attempted to rescue her again, but alas, it was too late.
The victim’s mother speculated that her daughter’s motivation for jumping into a flooded creek was to rescue her drowning moped. “She loved that thing.”
Darwin Awards: “I think not, therefore I am not.”
First Runner Up: We’ve all been in this man’s shoes, taking that fateful whiz at the side of the road. The 2009 penultimate winner is:
“Dying To Go” — 2009 Darwin Award, 1st Runner Up.
12 April 2009, Florida | Traffic was moving slowly on southbound I-95. Shawn M. had recently left a Pompano Beach bar, and now he was stuck in traffic. As the saying goes, you don’t buy beer–you just rent it, and Shawn couldn’t wait another moment to relieve himself. “I need to take a leak,” he told his friends.
Traffic was deadlocked, so the waterlogged man climbed out of the car, put his hand on the divider, and jumped over the low concrete wall…only to fall 65 feet to his death. “He probably thought there was a road, but there wasn’t,” said a Fort Lauderdale police spokesman. The car was idling on an overpass above the railroad lines.
His mother shared her thoughts. “Shawn didn’t do a whole lot for a living. He got along on his charm, just like his father.”
Though his death was tragic, Shawn’s downfall proves the old adage: “Look before you leak.”
“Guess he was dying to go.”
“He shoulda peed in a bottle.”
“Apparently it was just his time to go.”
References: South Florida Sun Sentinel, Miami Herald
‘Stupidity has a knack of getting its way.’ –Albert Camus
And the 2009 DARWIN AWARD WINNER, or rather winners, are…
“Crushing Debt” — 2009 Darwin Award Winner
26 September 2009, Belgium | The city of Dinant is the backdrop for this rare Double Darwin Award. Two bankrobbers attempting to make a sizeable withdrawal from an ATM machine died when they overestimated the quantity of dynamite needed for the explosion. The blast demolished the building the bank was housed in. Nobody else was in the building at the time of the attack.
Robber One was rushed to the hospital with severe head trauma; he died shortly after arrival. Investigators initially assumed that his accomplice had managed a getway, but the second bungler’s body was excavated from the debris twelve hours later. Would-be Robbers One and Two weren’t exactly impoverished–their getaway car was a BMW.
Debit Cards are Safer
Dynamite: Not For Everything
They Really Blew It
References: Le Soir
‘Man is the only animal that blushes–or has reason to.’ -Twain
Finally, we gladly announce a Darwin Award Winner that was posted too late in 2008 to earn that year’s top spot. The most popular story of the year, beloved by millions of fans, presenting the one, the only, the ludicrous:
“Priest Visits Boss” — 2008 Darwin Award WINNER! (retroactive)
(The Balloon Priest)
20 April 2008, Atlantic Ocean | A Catholic priest recently ascended to heaven on a helium host of party balloons, paying homage to Lawn Chair Larry’s aerial adventure. In 1982, Larry attached 45 helium weather balloons to his lawnchair, packed a picnic lunch, and cut the tether–but instead of drifting above Los Angeles as planned, he was rocketed into LAX air traffic lanes by the lift of the balloons. Astoundingly, Lawnchair Larry survived the flight. Adelir Antonio, 51, was not so lucky…
Note: The Darwin Awards are true tales of misadventure. Please visit the URL if you wish to verify the references.