I’m Ready For My Close-up

Ewan Brandneeds to decide if he’d rather be a model or a flasher, because trying to be both at once seems to have landed him in quite a pickle.

Fiscal depute Janine Bates said: “One of the girls was hoping to do a photography course.

“As part of the entrance requirements she had to complete a portfolio of images.

“She decided to take some pictures at the quarry.

“They were approached by the accused who demanded they take a picture of him.

“He asked initially but when they refused he became more aggressive until she took his photograph. He then asked her to take a picture of him naked which she refused.

“They made their way to the exit of the quarry.

“They consciously walked away from the accused as they noticed he was removing his belt.”

The court heard Brand stripped off his jeans and underpants to expose himself and shouted to the teenagers:  “How about this then?”

The girls started to run off but were chased by Brand, who caught up with one of them when she stopped to collect her shoe which had fallen off. She called her brother and was “screaming hysterically” as Brand tried to rip the mobile phone from her grasp and switch it off.

“He then tried to take hold of the camera which was round the other girl’s neck and began pulling at it in an attempt to remove the film,” Miss Bates said.

“During the struggle a pair of binoculars fell from inside the accused’s jacket and this distracted him enough for both witnesses to run off again.”

When the police were contacted the memory card from the digital camera was used to print out pictures – and Brand was quickly identified by local residents.

During a police interview, Brand admitted that his photo would be on the camera and that he had dropped his trousers out of “total stupidity.”

He added: “It’s usually a bit of fun. They were wearing next to nothing. Why do women go like that?

“It was not sexually motivated. I didn’t have my trousers down when I was running after them.”

There’s some logic for ya. No officer, I could not have had ill intentions while running after those people…I kept my pants on the whole time!

Brand is now a registered sex offender and on probation for 3 years. He was also ordered to pay £250 to each of his victims. In addition there is the unofficial punishment to consider as he will forever suffer the embarrassment of his flashing escapade having been reported in the Wee County News. Right now he’s probably kicking himself and thinking Christ, if only I’d made the move to Dildo when I had the chance.

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