Guilt Marches On?

The other day, I was complaining to Steve that I haven’t had any good dreams to blog about in a while. Well, I got a whole wack of them, and the weird thing is if the message of the dreams is what I think it is, I can only believe that part of my own brain is trying to make me feel guilty…even though most of my brain wonders why I would even remotely think of feeling that way.

Ok, so the first dream I had, I was in Ottawa, randomly walking through Ottawa with someone who seemed to be from there. The problem is in real life, this guy lives in Toronto. Oh well, he was from Ottawa in the dream. He had offered to help me get to this big building in Ottawa. Up to this point, it wasn’t clear what was there. We’re walking, looking for a bus stop. Then we find out from a bus driver that the bus stop was just gone, unexplainably gone, and we’re going to have to either walk some more or get a cab. I look at the bus driver and “Say that’s such crap! Why would they just remove a bus stop without telling anyone? People rely on the bus.” Suddenly, my companion is telling me to be quiet, and is sheepishly explaining that I’m not from here, I don’t know the rule. He thanks the woman, telling her he knows they do good work, and hurries me on.

I walk on, bewildered. Then he rather forcefully shoves me against a wall and whispers “Here, it is illegal to be mean to a bus driver, swear around them, or question them. If you do, you could get arrested.” I’m in shock. He tells me to just shut up and walk on in silence to avoid causing any more problems. I try to say this sounds like such bullshit, and he whispers “You’re swearing again. We’re too close to the bus drivers.” I walk on. I want to get to where I’m going. I don’t want to be arrested.

We walk and walk and walk, and arrive at the building. It is at this point that my companion asks me why I am here, and I start to stammer. I realize this is a bad plan. I had set out to find the offices of the place where I’d done some website-testing, but I had no plans after finding the office. I wanted to work for them again, and in my crazy plan, I thought that showing up there would make them suddenly say they had another contract for me. But I started to think what if they didn’t? How would I explain why I had randomly shown up at their offices.

Um, the company’s in Kitchener. I don’t know why they were in Ottawa in the dream, but whatever.

My companion also thought this was a foolish plan, and in the nicest way possible, told me it wasn’t going to work. He wished me luck though, and left me at the door of the building. Since the bus stop wasn’t where it was supposed to be, I was also left with the difficulty of how I would get back.

I walked in, and got escorted to the main desk where I had picked up badges when I had worked there before. By this point, my stomach was spinning. What would I say? I had hoped to randomly encounter a colleague in the hall and strike up a conversation, but this hadn’t worked. I got to the desk, and started to talk to the woman, saying I had come to visit a colleague, to find out some information. She told me she wasn’t even in the office. I was then asked if I needed help back to the door. The door! I was being shown the door! The guy who Trixie loves to death in real life appeared and told the woman at the desk that he would help me get to where I was going and told her not to worry. And the dream ended as I left the building, dejected.

What was that? I would never in my wildest dreams show up somewhere just hoping to be handed a job. What is that supposed to mean? And what’s up with the whole deal with not swearing or speaking up to bus drivers? Is that all over asking a few of them why they don’t call out stops? What a strange idea. How did bus drivers get such power?

But I wasn’t done dreaming yet. The next dream was just a small snippet. I was outside relieving Trixie and there was another woman there with a guide dog. I don’t know who she was, but for some reason she was with me. She must have had a little bit of vision because she was commenting on how the whole lawn was ruined, and it must have been my dog’s fault.

Can the guilt fest stop please? I don’t think Trixie has ruined the lawn. In fact, mom said a few months ago that the area where she pees seems to be quite lush.

Then there was the last dream. I was suddenly in the living-room of a friend of my mom’s. This woman used to babysit me when I was little, and she had a daughter that I used to play with. She was moving around the room, whistling along with the radio. It was playing a country station, just like she used to have on. As I sat there, I began to feel younger and younger, and she began to look older and older, and as if she was carrying a burden that she shouldn’t still have at her age. Then the radio began to play Time Marches On by Tracy Lawrence. Man, I hadn’t heard that song in years, but it’s depressing.

Anyway, in the dream, it had different words, relating to my own family. It talked about us being little, and our mom and dad, then us being teenagers, and now…my brother and sister had good jobs, mom and dad were nearly retired, and the implied message was where was I? Sitting in this woman’s living-room, acting as a child would.

Ok, stop! Just stop, stop, stop right now! What in the world kind of demon woke up in my brain and put together these movies? Does it have a clue? I’m running a French group, I’m involved in web accessibility projects, I’m helping out with projects for the city, what else do I have to do? What else do I have to do to settle the demon part of my brain that likes to rear up and say I’m stagnating? Just what is it?

Geesh. I don’t know how a dream manages to create such nightmarish images in such a peaceful setting, but it did. My brain is evil.

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