>Imagine A War Where Nobody On Either Side Quite Understands How Weapons Work

>Wow, that sucked.

I guess every war has to start somewhere, but I was hoping for better, at least from the TNA side. I didn’t expect WWE to go any more all out than they would have anyway just because it’s Wrestlemania season, but TNA had a statement to make and while they did make one, it wasn’t we’re the alternative you’ve been waiting for, it was closer to hey everybody, we have no idea what on God’s green earth we’re doing. You know, the same statement they’ve been making for most of the last 8 years.

And who are all of these people voting in website polls that Impact was the better show? What were you watching? To me making the choice between which show was better is kind of like deciding whether you’d rather spend the evening projectile vomiting through your nose or having the type of raging shits that feel like you’re expelling pure battery acid.

There was exactly one segment on Raw worth watching and they got it out of the way right off the bat. Undertaker vs. Michaels is such a simple storyline and I’m genuinely looking forward to seeing the match. The rest of the show was devoted to criss angel and his lame magic tricks, matches that I had to look up a report to remember at all and whatever the hell that main event was supposed to be.

Speaking of criss Angel, did Michael Cole seriously say that he had been named magician of the decade the last 5 years in a row or am I imagining that? He also said something about him being magician of the century, but he didn’t mention which one. I guess if it’s this century that accounts for at least one magician of the decade award. But enough about him, his few short segments made me never want to see magic again. I’ll give him credit for his energy during the main event ring introductions, though.

Let’s talk about that stupid main event. What a dumb ass idea that was. Vince McMahon vs. John Cena makes sense. Batista saying that he’s not going to get involved to help Vince like everybody expected the moment it was announced adds a nice extra layer to things. Boy, how’s that son of a bitch McMahon going to get himself out of this one? I’m interested. so what do they do? They have Cena run a gauntlet. Ok, fine, whatever works. but this isn’t just your average make everybody look like geeks when the main event star kills them in a few seconds each gauntlet, this is a handicap gauntlet. McMahon calls out a series of partners. Each one beats up Cena for a few seconds, then tags Vince in to make the cover. Cena kicks out every time, and whenever he does, a new guy comes out. So I guess in order to fail you don’t have to be pinned, you just have to not help your partner win quickly enough. this match happened a week ago and I’m still not sure what the rules are, and I bet you neither is the writing team. This mess goes on until…wait for it…you know where this is going…Batista comes out, Batista Bombs Cena and McMahon gets the cover and wins. So much for not getting involved. I know you’re heels, but even the kids you’re trying to market this stuff to would watch that and go Jesus Christ, what was that and why did I waste my time?

Wasting my time…that leads us nicely into Impact.

What a completely retarded television program.

Sting is a heel again, because that’s worked out so well every other time you idiots have tried it dating back to WCW. Hmm, most of the same idiots making decisions back then too, funny how that works. It was even the classic Vince Russo swerve that you’re not supposed to see coming but can smell from miles away. Sting returns, stares down the guys you think he’s going to hit and then attacks the other guy. He does it the same way every fucking time!

And while we’re on the subject of idiotic Russovian booking, how many authority figures does one company need? Hulk Hogan is in charge accept when he’s not, then it’s Eric Bischoff. but then above both of them is Dixie Carter, because we need the real life boss on TV because it makes things seem more like a shoot. And if we can get the real life boss to use the guys’ real names, that’s even better! Have I mentioned lately that Vincent Russo is an utter fucking moron? If not, Vincent Russo is an utter fucking moron. Here’s more proof. what ever happened to Mick Foley investing his own money into TNA? Is he not supposed to be the executive shareholder? How did that all fall by the wayside when Hogan and Bischoff showed up, and why is Foley content to play games with the new crew instead of suing them back to the fucking dark ages because he’s now out millions of dollars and can’t determine the future of something he’s a majority partner in? And if he does still have decision making power, why isn’t he using it? Now seems like it’d be a good time.

Back to nonsensical heel turns, why are Beer Money heels now? They have literally no reason to want or need to take out Jeff Jarrett. Plus in a few days at the pay-per-view they’re fighting for the tag titles against a team that looks to be splitting up with at least one member turning heel. Are their going to be any babyfaces left in this company? Actually never mind, there will be, because I’m sure Beer Money will be babyfaces again within 2 weeks just because. And if you want to give me some argument about how the characters aren’t black and white but are rather showing shades of grey, don’t waste your time. There’s a way to do shades of grey, but what I’m watching here is shades of brown because it’s total shit. god I hate this show.

Ok, had to stop and breathe for a minute there…where was I? Oh yeah, total shit.

Total shit like bringing in Rob Van Dam and making him look useless within 5 minutes. Yes I know he ran in and got a quick win over Sting or Steve or whatever you want to call him at this exact second, but then he gets beaten up for what had to be no less than 4 hours before Hulk Hogan can finally be arsed to hobble in and make the save. And why did it take 4 hours for Hogan to do his hobble in? Well, if the report I read is true it’s because TNA is such a goddamn clusterfuck that they’re doing their pre-tapes as the show is going on and just happened to need Hogan to be in a completely different part of the building at the same time as he’s supposed to be in the fucking ring! My head is going to explode.

This show was so bad that not even Ric Flair coming out of retirement and wrestling his first match in the United States in a couple of years against Hulk Hogan no less could save it. By the time it was over I didn’t even care that Jeff Hardy showed up.

I’m sure I missed even more stupidity, but honestly I can’t talk about this show anymore. All I can do is hope things get better.

So now here’s the million dollar question. who won week one of the new Monday Night Wars? That’s easy. ring Of Honor. I haven’t even watched their show yet but I know for certain it won’t be worse than anything I’ve just talked about. and you know what’s really sad? It’s the show that nobody is going to see. Life just isn’t fair.

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