Some Weird Ads For Ya

It’s time once again for an episode of what the hell is up with these commercials? This one took us a while to put together, and it has less in it.

There’s been this ad campaign pushing Ontario as the place to be. I think it started when we moved into this apartment, because I thought it was kind of weird that once I moved, the TV started singing “there’s no place like this where I’ve been” as if it liked my new digs too. I had no idea what it was for until I googled it.

Anyway, in the old song, it used to sing “There’s no other place like this for me,” but in the newer versions, it seriously sounds like it’s saying “There’s no place like this for me.” So let me get this straight. This person is singing this song about how glorious Ontario is…but they can’t live here? Why not? Did they get kicked out?

Am I the only one who thinks that ads for FruitSimple make us sound like a pack of lazy slugs? “It’s like drinking a serving of fruit through a straw!” And I should be thrilled about this? Why wouldn’t I just eat my fruit? Can I no longer chew? Is my jaw wired shut after a horribly-disfiguring accident?

You know, last year, we wanted to murder the talking Super 8 sign. Well, this year, it has a new voice, and I can’t decide if he’s better or worse. At least last year’s sign had personality, even if that personality was annoying. This one just sounds, um, kinda creepy, and kinda like he’s reading as fast as he can. I hate the way he chuckles when he says “I got low rates.” Is that the place to chuckle? And don’t you think the guy working on his car sounds really, really, really dumb? Yup, sweet-cheeks loves his pie, and loves to say ummm. I wish I could find a link to some audio, but I can’t.

During the news, there’s always a spot where it says “brought to you by Arvanitis and Associates, dentistry by design.” I know they’re into cosmetic dentistry, but that slogan always makes our heads spin. What other dentistry is there, dentistry by accident? I would hope you’re in dentistry by design, as opposed to “hmmm…what kind of sign shall I slap on my office door here?” But I guess, judging by the contents of our dentists tag, dentistry by accident is pretty common.

There’s something about this Marineland Arctic Cove song that has always bothered the hell out of me. It starts off with “They come from a land of ice and snow,” and I always sub in, “Now we threw them in a tank at Arctic cove.” I don’t know, mentioning Belugas’ natural habitat just before talking about seeing them in a glorified aquarium has always kinda bugged me. Now, I have come up with a longer version of the Arctic Cove song.

“They come from a land of ice and snow,
now belugas have a tank at Arctic Cove.
Reach out, touch, give them a smile,
they haven’t killed a trainer in a long while.
You never know when, they’re gonna kill again,
so come on, kids, jump in!
Arctic Cove, Marineland.”

Yes, we’re evil. And yes, I know it wasn’t at marineland where that trainer became a meal.

Every time we see the Oil of Olay Regenerist commercial that brags about how their product does better than the $700 cream, we say the same thing. What? There’s a $700 cream out there, and people are buying it? What kind of fools can spend $700 on something to make their face look less wrinkly? Rich ones, I guess. But how do fools become rich?

Whenever we see this Febreeze Fabric-Refresher commercial, We have to wonder what is wrong with this woman, or what is wrong with the person who did the splice job, or maybe a little of both. Listen to how she says “It removes odours of…sports, teenagers, orcooking!” I took the space out on purpose because those words are all squished together. Who talks like that? And who can’t live a week without Febreeze Fabric-Refresher? Seriously.

When we first talked about that Charmin Ambassador job, we thought the slogan “enjoy the go” was odd. It hasn’t gotten any better now that the commercial has hit the TV. And since this is an ad for toilet paper, shouldn’t it be “enjoy the cleanup? And incidentally, does this ad actually show a dog using TP? If not, who goes around inspecting people’s butts? Ug. That’s almost as bad as “enjoy the go.”

And that does it for this round of ads. I said it would be smaller.

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