I received this on a list, and I’ve seen portions of it in other places, so I thought it was pretty safe to put up. I especially wanted to put it up because of example no. 2. Story time.
I guess I should have known I would be on advocacy committees speaking out about stuff. It started when I was 5 or so. Do you remember those floride rinses they would give kids? I guess kids weren’t drinking enough milk, so to help their teeth from rotting out of their heads, they would come around once or twice a year and make you swoosh this horrible-tasting crap around in your mouth. I hated the stuff, hate hate hated it. The other kids did too, and they would often whine and cry about it.
The teacher came to me with the cup full of eeewww and before I swooshed it around, I looked my poor old kindergarten teacher right in the face and said, “Are you forcing those kids to take this stuff?” She responded with “No, I’m not forcing, I’m encouraging,” to which I shot back, “They’re crying, you’re forcing!” I don’t remember doing any of this, but I have been told this story many times.
the next day, mom and pop got called into a meeting with the teacher, where the teacher asked them if they disapproved of the floride rinse, and they were told what I said. Mom looked at her and said “Nope, I didn’t tell her to say that, she did that all on her own.” So yeah, I was a mouthy little outspoken brat even at the age of 5.
No. 7 also made me chuckle because of one very confusing night. Mom and dad were talking about older folks, and how many had false teeth versus how many still had their teeth. But she kept saying “Grandpa has his own teeth, Uncle Howard has his own teeth…” I finally couldn’t take this anymore, and I looked at her and said, “Who else’s teeth would they have?”
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!’
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.’
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.’
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room… When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, ‘What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?’
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, ‘Are you a cop? Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?’ ‘Yes, that’s right,’ I told her. ‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. ‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked.. ‘It sure is,’ I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, ‘What’d he do?’
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ‘Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.’
‘And why not, darling?’
‘You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning…’
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with
sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ‘Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.’ (I want this line used at my funeral!)
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ‘I’m just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible… He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
‘Mama, look what I found,’ the boy called out.
‘What have you got there, dear?’
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, ‘I think it’s Adam’s underwear!’