I’m Sure The Opossum Wishes It Was Dead

I came across this video on how to give an opossum a proper pedicure and so many questions flood through my head.

Let’s just watch the video, so then I can remember all the questions.

Ok, so she starts off by saying today we will learn how to give your opossum a proper pedicure! My opossum? How many of us are running around with pet opossums? She talks about the feet and the hoary face…that’s h o a r y. After all, she would never cast a moral judgment on an opossum, and neither should you. Wow! I’m sorry, I will cast a different kind of judgment on this woman. She is either a. nuts, b. seriously deprived of social contact, or a little of a and a little of b.

She talks about checking for broken or overgrown nails, cuts, calluses, fungus, and all kinds of stuff that might be on an opossum’s feet. Then she goes into this little bit about “do not put false nails on an opossum. No! No!” Ok, who is doing this? Is this common?

She next says she has a shallow pan of water in which she puts 2 tablespoons of Epsom salts, we must be very precise about our measurements, you know. She swishes it around, and then places the poor unfortunate opossum in the water.

While the poor thing is soaking its feet, she tells everyone watching that opossums belong outside, if you see one, you should leave it there, and if you spot an orphaned or injured opossum, you should call in the professionals. So…why does she have one? She never explains that.

Next, something happens that I’m not sure about. Maybe she just dumps the pan of water down the sink. But it sounds like something tips it over. I guess not, since she goes on like nothing’s wrong. She puts the little furry guy, oh wait I think she said this one was female, up on the table and dries her feet, going into a rendition of “this little piggy”. How many times has she put this opossum through this? The thing takes it like nothing’s wrong.

Next, she clipped its nails and smoothed and buffed the area, finally pushing back the cuticles. She said that most people use their own clippers to clip the nails. Again with the most people. I don’t think most people keep an opossum, do they?

And the final touch was when she polished the opossum’s nails. She went into this big deal about picking a colour that would suit the opossum’s personality, and she preferred natural colours for wildlife, which brought the question back to the front of my mind. What is she doing with this opossum?

This killed me. She next said “I know what you’re thinking. What if your opossum is a nail-biter?” Hmmm. That wasn’t what I was thinking, I was thinking “Why bother polishing an opossum’s nails, even if you did manage to get it as a pet?”

After telling us about hypoalergenic nail polish, and warning us not to use products that have been tested on animals, she tells us to consider wee booties for our opossum to keep it from chipping its nails. Good god! If Trix’s reaction to booties is any indication, I’m sure an opossum won’t take to them well. Can you imagine trying to buy such a thing?

She talked about her next program, which was apparently gourmet opossum cooking. For a second, I thought she was talking about cooking opossums, but then I realized she was talking about cooking *for* her opossum. Ok then. Phew! I was just about convinced she was evil, and if she was next going to talk about cooking her captured wildlife, that would have sealed it for me.

I wonder if she ever did a lecture on resuscitating an opossum, and I wonder if Donald Wolfe should watch it. And I would recommend not letting Kevin Temple near her poor little opossum volunteer. It wouldn’t stand a chance.

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