He Is Incapable Of Being An Asshole

Yikes! I knew you could be born with lots of abnormalities and organs that didn’t work the way they should. But I never imagined that you could be born without an anus. Um, eek. But this condition has a name, congenital anal atresia. Let’s google that, because I need more proof that this is possible.

Oh my good god, the condition is real.

Anal Atresia 


The anus is either not present or it is in the wrong place.


There are basically two kinds of anal atresia. In boys with high anal atresia, there may be a channel (fistula) connecting the large intestine to either the urethra (which delivers urine from the bladder) or the bladder itself. In girls, the channel may connect with the vagina. Sixty percent of children with high anal atresia have other defects, including problems with the esophagus, urinary tract, and bones. In low anal atresia, the channel may open in front of the circular mass of muscles that constrict to close the anal opening (anal sphincter) or, in boys, below the scrotum. Occasionally, the intestine ends just under the skin. It is estimated that overall abnormalities of the anus and rectum occur in about one in every 5,000 births and are slightly more common among boys. A mother who has one child with these kind of conditions has a 1% chance of having another child who suffers from this ailment.

So, back to our unfortunate friend who they only call Wu, because honestly, who would want his whole name broadcast in the context of “Looky here! A dude born without an anus!” Wu has had to live with a surgical hole near his urethra, out which he had to squeeze his um excrament. Until now. Doctors have built him an artificial anus! At long last, 55 years of squeezing crap out of a hole by hand is over!

Ugugugugugug! I can’t imagine. I never thought I’d be thankful for taking a crap the normal way, but boy am I ever.

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