Rogers: Canada’s Most Reliable Customer Ridicule Target

The news that Rogers is looking to start its own bank has gotten the world talking. Ok, so people aren’t so much talking as they are not knowing about it, ignoring it entirely or pointing and laughing, but bringing that up would kind of ruin my bit, so for our purposes the world is a buzz.

Word is that the new financial institution would be called Rogers Bank (How many millions worth of customer money went to the consultants who thought that one up?), and would mainly focus on credit cards and cellphone payment schemes rather than being a traditional bank. Not a traditional bank? Speaking of things that would ruin my bit…geesh, cut a hack writer a break, would ya?

but hey, let’s not let the facts get in the way of a good story. If Rogers says it’s a bank now, then goddammit it’s a bank now. And if rogers is a bank now, what would it be like? I was thinking about this and dumping what I came up with on Twitter, but decided to share with the rest of you because I was having so much fun. And hey, maybe somebody’s got some ideas I didn’t think of.

I started out with the obvious.

So I hear Rogers is thinking about starting its own bank. Makes sense since the sonsofbitches already have most of our money.

Which was followed by the almost as obvious.

And for Rogers, the hard part of starting a bank is done. They already have fees and contracts nobody can fucking explain down to an art.

Which then caused our good pal James to join in the fun.

Yeah. You can only deposit $100/month on their lowest plan. They charge $10 for every dollar over.

Well done.

Those wise words got me pondering the customer experience, and the real fun was well underway.

If you call Rogers Bank because your ATM isn’t working, they’ll tell you to go to an ATM for more information about the outage.

Rogers Bank hit a wrong button and screwed up my account. I called and they told me it wasn’t an issue on their end and to fix it myself.

By default, Rogers Bank will only let you see your basic money. If you want to buy anything, you have to sign up for banking on demand.

And then James chimed in again.

But you can only call Rogers Bank by dialing 611 on your Rogers cell phone. If you don’t have a Rogers cell phone, you’ll be provided with instructions on where to go and how to get one.

Given the whole smartphone payment idea, man’s probably right.

And so far anyway, this is the last one I could come up with.

Rogers bank will consist of regional Banknet branches. There’ll be a national one called Banknet 1, but almost nobody will have access to it.

All this dumping on Rogers almost makes me feel better about paying the next bill. Who am I kidding, no it doesn’t. But for now, it’s the best I’ve got. If it’s the best you’ve got too and you think I’ve missed something, let me know.

Oh wait, I thought of one more.

Rogers Bank is open every morning at 8, but no employees show up until at least 11:30.

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